Workshop Your Suicide Note

[cu1len]

Yeah! What service do you use? If you use Live mail (formerly Hotmail) or Gmail, you can send a delayed email through Boomerang. It's an add-on you can download.

Thank you! I'll be posting updates on my note

 

[TheCrow]

My rough draft of my note is as follows:

I'm so very, very sorry.

Before I say anything else , pease believe that I did not seek to cause anyone pain... Only to ease my own. I feel great grief and guilt that I must leave you all this way, and many times before my guilt has caused me not to act on my desire to end my life. However, guilt is not enough to live on. I cannot live only to avoid hurting others.

Though I have been planning this attempt for months, and have had the means for weeks, this is something I have desperately wished for for years. When I was young and first stopped caring about my life, first started trying to take it, I was told life would get better. But for the past 15 years, my life has only gotten worse. I am not smart, or clever, or pretty. Not intelligent or interesting or driven. I have no purpose, no passion, nothing to live for. I love (my dog), but I cannot live only for her. I cannot take care of her, when I cannot even care for myself.

In the past eight years especially, I have lost all will and reason to live. I cared not for the consequences of my actions, because I did not care for my life. I cared only about distracting myself from my pain, so I wouldn't have to think or feel. I was raped, when I was 18. I started smoking, drinking, and cutting. I've burned myself with cigarettes. I've made so many terrible mistakes and horrible decisions that I can never forgive myself for or live with. My mental and physical health has deteriorated drastically. My hearing and eyesight are going, my teeth crumble in my mouth, my body is always in pain from migraines, eye aches, nerve pain and more. I struggle with basic comprehension, memory and retention of knowledge. I cannot sleep and I'm always exhausted. I've been trying to hide my anxieties, but I'm always afraid, and the panic attacks are getting more frequent.

The truth is, I hate myself so very, very much. I have for a very long time. Even if suddenly everything went right in my life (I won the lottery, found the love of my life, got therapy and medications to ease my hurts, whatever), I would still hate myself, and I would not be able to cope with my past and who I've become. This was no spur of the moment attempt, no desperate plea for attention or manic act. I genuinely do not want to live on this Earth any longer, and if I somehow survive this (which I pray I do not), I will still have no fight left, no will to continue living. I will not bother to lie my way out of the hospital again. For all I care, I can rot there.

My main point is - do not blame yourselves for this. My reasons for ending my life have nothing to do with anyone but myself. You have kept me alive this long, and that is a miracle in and of itself. I love you all, and I'm sorry I had to hurt you this way. Im glad I got to have one last Christmas with everyone, and I tried very hard to make it a Merry one, and to say goodbye, in the only way I could. I hope that you will not dwell on me - that you will love your lives and be happy. Maybe one day you can accept my choice, and believe that I am at peace now. Goodbye.

... And that's pretty much it.... I will be also leave instructions for my body (cheap cremation), my dog (going to my mom) and my bird (going to a friend). I have nothing else I'm leaving behind, so it won't be a bother.

So, so relatable. Tears. I'm sorry for all that you have been through. I hope that we find peace on the other side.

 

[TAW122]

@Lunaemoth Really deep, emotional note that you've written and I like how you have explained your reasoning very thoroughly.

 

[TAW122]

Anyways, since I'm in that state of mood of sadness recently, here is a fragment of my note (at least to family).

Note: My note is tentative and will likely change depending on life circumstances and other factors, so it is not necessarily set in stone.

To Mom - I'm sorry that I have to go through with this. I know it is painful to lose a son and I know mothers just want the best for their kids, but I have suffered very long and given my circumstances, I have no assurance that things will be better for me. Even if they are better, which is subjective, it is not what I have wanted or the way I wish my life to be. I know you will miss me, and as a child, I was always the black sheep of the family. It may be devastating for you now and no matter what I do, it is inevitable that my life will suck. I hope you will find some comfort that I will no longer be suffering and will be at peace as well as no longer bringing others down. I know it may be difficult for you to see things rationally or think critically, but all I ask is for you to respect my decision and understand that I will be at peace and my decision isn't something that I have done without thorough consideration of all circumstances and situations.

To Dad - I hate to put you through this, but if I want to be brutally honest, you and I know that at some point that you and mom will retire, run out of money, be unable to support me even out of pity. Even you yourself have told me and voiced concerns over 'my future.' Me and you understand that after you and mom retire, you will need the remainder of your savings just to survive and that eventually you and mom will reach a point where both of you will be in assisted living or dependent on others to take care of. I'm sure you would rather that I succeed, have a bright future, live a healthy and fulfilling life, but that is not the case and certainly not reality. Remember all the countless years of disagreement and arguments between ideologies, ideas, differences of opinions, it is prominent that I will not have a bright future, successful life, but instead die suffering through homelessness, poverty, destitution, and other horrible fates. Therefore, suicide would save me the all the trouble, the agony, your suffering, your finances and well being. Don't waste time and energy over a lost cause. You will sad regardless, but less sad knowing that I will be at peace and that I am not dragging the family down further with my failures and problems. Please understand that while you may be sad if I die of other causes versus suicide, I am taking the path of least resistance, the lesser of many evils. I have arrived at my decision based on the my circumstances in life and given that I would rather not slave away to support an evil, corrupt society for decades to come, but the only thing that results in is homelessness, poverty, and eventual death (after immense pain and suffering). I am simply avoiding all of the unnecessary pain and suffering by dying on my own terms.

To Sister - I'm sorry I'm the failed brother that I am. I wished I was never born and while you may not admit it, I know that if I wasn't your brother or even related to you, you would have given up on me. I know that you don't want to admit it even if you rationally and intellectually know the 'truth' that your brother is the black sheep of the family. I wished that you would just put aside your rosy-tinted glasses and preconceived notions based on societal and stereotypical views for a minute and just think logically, critically, and rationally. Please don't give me your parroted bullshit about mental health, mentally ill spiel, psychiatric stuff. I detest that and that only does more harm than good. I am not here to argue about the efficacy of it, in fact I am against coercive treatment and I have my own beliefs about it and will not waste time and energy arguing about this. If you can just take emotion, cognitive dissonance, and confirmation bias out of the equation, even for a moment, you should be able to understand that my choice is based on my circumstances as well as the visible, observable, testable, and provable evidence in which I have gathered over the years. The only thing I ask is for you to respect my decision and while it may be painful to lose your brother, please don't delude yourself to think that I can be saved let alone wanting to be saved. In fact, doing so will not change me or the inevitable, I will still die regardless, just in a worse way, possibly causing more damage in the grand scheme of things. I know my circumstances and I am doing what is best for it along with the rest of the family. It will suck and be painful, but it will be less painful than to have me fail, drag you and the family down (as well as others) and still end up dying.

To my family (a summary) - this is my decision and mine alone. I have made this decision not just based on impulse, but over many years of suffering, careful consideration of my circumstances for the present and future, weighed the costs of benefits of continuing to live versus dying, and I have come to the decision that death is the right choice. Don't waste your time or energy trying to change my mind, or trying to save me. I do not want to be saved, I just want to be at peace. Regardless of when, where, or how I go, you will grieve, but I am taking the path of least resistance so you will all be hurt a bit less.

 

[okyeah]

here's mine:

Dear mom and dad,

fuck you

 

[QuickandPainless]

here's mine:

Dear mom and dad,

fuck you

Lol

 

[ausboy96]

I'm so sorry to do this. I know this will cause you a world of pain. But my anxiety and depression is torturing me. I had to find a way to escape my pain, and this is it.

Please don't think I don't love you for doing this. You mean the world to me. And I know I mean the world to you. Maybe we'll see each other on the other side, but until then I'm sorry to do this to you.

This is the real reason I've been crying so much recently. I've planned this for a while now. Please stay strong for me, because I couldn't. I'm sorry to give up on life like I give up on everything.

I love you forever and always mum.

 

[Dog Food]

I don't have anything written yet but I've thought a lot about how I'll distribute the letters. Right now my plan is to write individual notes to a handful of people and then a general note that I'll attach to each one and leave near my body. The general note would probably just have my requests for cremation/burial, my memorial service (I don't want one), and how to deal with my belongings. I've thought about actually mailing out everything before I CTB so I have motivation to follow through, but I'm worried about what might happen if my method doesn't work.

You could always send a delayed email, there are places that do that for free online.

 

[antivita]

You could always send a delayed email, there are places that do that for free online.

Good thinking! I hadn't thought of that. That would probably be better because I could theoretically cancel the email if my plan goes wrong.

 

[Death.]

Only "Sorry, I am" I'm write on my note.

Too many words, people will misconstrue and not understand.

Hope I make sense and reason.

 

[throwaway123]

I have nobody so I won't be writing a note

Same here. :(

 

[crova]

here's mine:

Dear mom and dad,

fuck you

I hope can imagine how you feel about them. I was there once.
Please dont do it. You can leave a empty page and they will understand...

 

[Batstern]

Sorry to bring this thread back to life again, but here's my current note.

So it happened. I'm dead.


First off, I want to apologise to everyone. I know many of you will be shocked and upset at this, and I just want you all to know that I wanted to do this for myself, and not because of any of you. I was not in pain, I was not struggling. My life was comfortable by every standard. I would argue that I was not mentally sick either, but I know others will disagree. Either way, it's not important. What is important is that it's happened. So we'll go from there.


I ended my life because I don't see much point in it. I am aware there are everyday pleasures like good food, exercising, nice conversations etc. and also long tong things too, like building relationships, finding fulfilment from a career, hobbies and everything else. However, these to me are not enough of a reason. A common argument would be to say that I'm missing out on so much life has to offer by committing suicide. My response is that I'm dead, so I don't care. I can't care. Once that decision was made every possible argument became irrelevant.


Being dead, I'm not at peace. I'm not regretful. I'm not in pain. Because I'm dead. This isn't for attention, because, once again, I'm dead. I can't receive attention. I could be on every news station on the planet, or just in the minds of my family. I don't know. I can't know. I'm not sure what my point is here. I think I'm just trying to get across how strongly I believe in the finality of death. If it isn't already apparent this is mostly a stream of consciousness.


Mum, I love you. You have done an immense amount of work for me, and everything you've ever done has been appreciated more than words can explain. I'm sorry to have done this to you, but I hope that someday you can come to peace with this. Thank you for being you. I love you.

 

[EmotionlessWanderer]

I'm not bothering to write a note. No point to it in my case.

Same. It's not worth the pain to do so.

 

[Redt2go]

Sorry to bring this thread back to life again, but here's my current note.

So it happened. I'm dead.


First off, I want to apologise to everyone. I know many of you will be shocked and upset at this, and I just want you all to know that I wanted to do this for myself, and not because of any of you. I was not in pain, I was not struggling. My life was comfortable by every standard. I would argue that I was not mentally sick either, but I know others will disagree. Either way, it's not important. What is important is that it's happened. So we'll go from there.


I ended my life because I don't see much point in it. I am aware there are everyday pleasures like good food, exercising, nice conversations etc. and also long tong things too, like building relationships, finding fulfilment from a career, hobbies and everything else. However, these to me are not enough of a reason. A common argument would be to say that I'm missing out on so much life has to offer by committing suicide. My response is that I'm dead, so I don't care. I can't care. Once that decision was made every possible argument became irrelevant.


Being dead, I'm not at peace. I'm not regretful. I'm not in pain. Because I'm dead. This isn't for attention, because, once again, I'm dead. I can't receive attention. I could be on every news station on the planet, or just in the minds of my family. I don't know. I can't know. I'm not sure what my point is here. I think I'm just trying to get across how strongly I believe in the finality of death. If it isn't already apparent this is mostly a stream of consciousness.


Mum, I love you. You have done an immense amount of work for me, and everything you've ever done has been appreciated more than words can explain. I'm sorry to have done this to you, but I hope that someday you can come to peace with this. Thank you for being you. I love you.

No worries we love thread gold

I think the I ended my life because and being dead paragraphs are kind of cold and unnecessary. They are you more for you than for them. If they want to believe that your soul goes to heaven and they can still talk to you after death let them.

I think the last paragraph is gold. Imo letters should only be aimed at comforting those who survive you.

 

[Redt2go]

I just don't see the point in arguing the validity of your suicide they may never understand.

 

[Batstern]

I think the I ended my life because and being dead paragraphs are kind of cold and unnecessary

That seems fair, thanks for your input!

 

[MiserableBastard1995]

I don't have much written yet, but I do know I'll have several letters to several people, in sealed envelopes and stamped ready to post. I'll drop them in a post box the night I ctb. They'll reach their recipients in a couple of days. I think I'll start them with some sort of "oooh, scary" piss-take about letters from the grave.

 

[HobgoblinV]

Hi guys, I signed up just because I am having trouble writing a note to my on again off again girlfriend. She did some pretty terrible things to me, but that's not why I want to die. However, she's way too close to me for it not to affect her somehow, and I know she already carries a lot of guilt over what happened between us.

I'm really having trouble deciding what to leave in and what to take out. I want her to know she made me really happy, but I don't want her thinking the loss of that happiness caused me to kill myself. It's such a complicated situation, so I'll just post what I have now and hopefully you guys can give me a hand. I've got about a week to work on it. Note begins below, and yes, it's more of a novel.

Hey you,

You were right. You would find out, even if I tried to hide it from you. Even if nobody sought you out and told you, you would eventually wonder where the fuck I went. I didn't realize that before. I wish I could hide this from you forever. I think you have felt the same way about certain things.

I'm sorry babe, for everything. For any harsh words, for never letting go, for making you feel bad about dancing, and for anything I ever did to hurt you. For all the stress you've gone through worrying about me, and all the times expressing my feelings made you uncomfortable. I always meant well, but that's what terrifies me. This whole relationship between us was me doing my very best.

Anggi, I'm so sorry I came into your life. You don't deserve this. I really hope everything is going well for you.

I'm particularly sorry for this because I am denying you any sort of say, any sort of closure in the matter. You see, I sent this late so you wouldn't see it until morning, so it's already done. I can't imagine how that must feel. I'm so sorry, Anggi. I'm so fucking sorry to do this to you. I'm so sorry I can't do a damn thing to make it better, but I will try.

Please know none of this is your fault. I made my own decisions every step of the way. I recently had to accept that I can't change people, no matter how hard I try. It's important that you remember that too. I walked my own path of self destruction. If you played a role, it was a positive one.

I found this website that has a lot of helpful stuff for people who lost someone. I hope it helps. https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/

You inspired me to be a better person. That sounds like nonsense, but it's a fact. For over a year now, I have constantly been working on what kind of person I am. I have made some pretty good progress. You have seen a lot of it for yourself. I didn't talk about it much, but I was able to help a few other people who were really struggling. That only occurred because of you.

Remember the pills? Well here I am again without them, so I guess it wasn't them. Which means I got out of that on a combination of willpower, and your support. Trust me, it was mainly your support. I know, it seemed more like I was helping you. Well, that helped me.

Anggi, I had a lot of happiness these past few months, and I owe it to you in more ways than one. Thank you so much. Every moment we were together was a moment I was at peace. That is the greatest gift that can be given to someone like me.

I know you will have things you wish you'd said to me. It's ok though. I know you care for me. I know you're going to miss me, and I know you're sorry for hurting me. I know, babe. It's ok. I'm sorry and will miss you too.

So I sent you some money. You will be able to guess the password. Please accept it. It's not because I think money makes any sort of difference. It's for therapy, in case you need it after this.

I have instructed Khobi to waive all confidentiality regarding my therapy if you decide to go to her. She may be able to answer questions I wasn't able to.

I hope someday you can understand why I didn't reach out for help. There was nothing you could do, and anything you tried would have just made things harder on us both. It's the same for everyone. Police get called, embarrassment ensues, and it changes nothing. There was no need for us to go through that. You shouldn't have to feel responsible for me. You can't babysit me. That's not what I want for you. I don't want anybody being fucking worried or sad because of me. I'm not your problem.

Speaking of police, don't worry about calling them, or doing anything really. Dealing with this mess is not your responsibility in any way, and other people have been informed and will handle it. Don't worry, I haven't burdened you with being the only one who knows. You just take care of you. Please.

I didn't know whether to have a funeral or not. It's kind of embarassing? Then I realized I am dead and there are people I left behind who may need it for closure. So I've asked that it be held in Calgary, as the vast majority of the people affected are here.

Look, I didn't tell anyone else I don't give a fuck about a funeral, in case they denied themselves one as my final wish or some shit. I'm telling you, because I don't want you to feel obligated to go. I know how fucked up this all is, and how that might feel for you. You do what is right for you. Again, I am sorry.

I'm sorry we couldn't be friends. I miss it a lot now, but I just wasn't able to handle it. That's on me. I'm happy you were willing to try.

Am I making too big a deal out of this whole thing? Whatever, better safe than sorry. Everything I read about suicide says loved ones are tormented by questions and what ifs and guilt, so I'm trying to cover so many bases in one go. I wish I could give everyone a face to face conversation, or have a Q&A Seminar, but that's not how this works.

Truly, I hope this has zero effect on you and you don't wonder a goddamn thing. Perhaps you feel relief. It's ok, I understand. You feel however you need to feel.

I will attempt to explain myself, but it won't make a lot of sense. My mind is broken, so my thinking doesn't follow the same logic as everyone else.

I want you to picture the most stressed out and anxious and sad you have ever been. Then imagine feeling that all the time. The second you wake up, it's that feeling. Your chest is tight, you're desperate but you don't even know what for, and day to day tasks feel almost impossible. So you start bargaining with yourself. "Ok I won't put too much pressure on myself today. I will take it easy, and tomorrow will be a better day". Then tomorrow comes and it's the same thing. Then you start feeling bad for not living up to your responsibilities. You're letting people down, you're letting yourself down. So you feel ashamed. Except you can't reach out for help because that will make you feel more ashamed.

This just continues day after day, until you lose sight of what you even want out of life. What are you suffering for? By now you're completely isolated, stuck with your shame and anxiety, and too fucked up to even interact with others. You're too embarrassed about your situation to talk to anyone, but it's so all consuming you can't hide it. So you just stay the hell away from everyone.

Sometimes I do try to talk to people about what's going on, but that usually ends up making me feel worse. The responses range from unhelpful ("you just need to stay positive" "you just need to help yourself" "why does it even matter?") to outright hurtful ("you did this to yourself" "I can't believe we're talking about this still"). I don't know why things matter, and I try to fucking help myself. Sometimes I just need to talk though, and I just don't have anybody who will listen. I don't know if it would even help.

There's a lot of specifics I could get into, but I don't think that would be helpful for you.

That's what I meant when I said you brought me peace. I feel none of these things when I am with you. It's such a fucking relief. I can relax and have fun. When you are in my life I can focus, and do things right. I don't avoid responsibilities, and I feel good about myself for being successful. You really did make me happy. I know you could see it. You made me proud to be myself.

I debated whether to include that paragraph. I want you to know how much you improved my life, but I know exactly what a double edged sword that is. In the end I chose to include it because I trust you not to dwell on the negative side, because it is fucking ridiculous. You're smarter than that.

I know what my potential is, and I know I will never be able to live up to it thanks to these feelings. Eventually, it always gets me. When I was younger I would blame others. I can't do that anymore. I know it's me, and it will always be me. I just want to be at peace. I hope I explained it enough for you to someday understand.

I'm sorry I'm leaving you this kind of memory. Thinking of me will suck, but eventually you just won't anymore. Everything will fade, and I will be a bad memory you choose to ignore. Which is absolutely ok.

You have more than enough multi-page emails of me professing my love for you. Hell, they were all me professing my love in some way. So I will keep this part short.

I admire and respect you. I hope to God you don't spend anymore time worrying about your accent, or whether you ski, or have an education or a daughter. Any of those things. It's awesome when you swear.

Never, ever be ashamed of who you are. I am so proud of you. I know I'm not the only one.

You are smart, strong, beautiful (regardless of what a scale says), and charming. There is nobody else like you, and definitely nobody better. You are a fucking miracle.

You deserve to have your dreams come true. I believe you can make it happen.

I love you dearly, Anggi. Good-bye, my friend, for real this time. I am so happy you were a part of my life.

 

[Redt2go]

Hi guys, I signed up just because I am having trouble writing a note to my on again off again girlfriend. She did some pretty terrible things to me, but that's not why I want to die. However, she's way too close to me for it not to affect her somehow, and I know she already carries a lot of guilt over what happened between us.

I'm really having trouble deciding what to leave in and what to take out. I want her to know she made me really happy, but I don't want her thinking the loss of that happiness caused me to kill myself. It's such a complicated situation, so I'll just post what I have now and hopefully you guys can give me a hand. I've got about a week to work on it. Note begins below, and yes, it's more of a novel.

Hey you,

You were right. You would find out, even if I tried to hide it from you. Even if nobody sought you out and told you, you would eventually wonder where the fuck I went. I didn't realize that before. I wish I could hide this from you forever. I think you have felt the same way about certain things.

I'm sorry babe, for everything. For any harsh words, for never letting go, for making you feel bad about dancing, and for anything I ever did to hurt you. For all the stress you've gone through worrying about me, and all the times expressing my feelings made you uncomfortable. I always meant well, but that's what terrifies me. This whole relationship between us was me doing my very best.

Anggi, I'm so sorry I came into your life. You don't deserve this. I really hope everything is going well for you.

I'm particularly sorry for this because I am denying you any sort of say, any sort of closure in the matter. You see, I sent this late so you wouldn't see it until morning, so it's already done. I can't imagine how that must feel. I'm so sorry, Anggi. I'm so fucking sorry to do this to you. I'm so sorry I can't do a damn thing to make it better, but I will try.

Please know none of this is your fault. I made my own decisions every step of the way. I recently had to accept that I can't change people, no matter how hard I try. It's important that you remember that too. I walked my own path of self destruction. If you played a role, it was a positive one.

I found this website that has a lot of helpful stuff for people who lost someone. I hope it helps. https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/

You inspired me to be a better person. That sounds like nonsense, but it's a fact. For over a year now, I have constantly been working on what kind of person I am. I have made some pretty good progress. You have seen a lot of it for yourself. I didn't talk about it much, but I was able to help a few other people who were really struggling. That only occurred because of you.

Remember the pills? Well here I am again without them, so I guess it wasn't them. Which means I got out of that on a combination of willpower, and your support. Trust me, it was mainly your support. I know, it seemed more like I was helping you. Well, that helped me.

Anggi, I had a lot of happiness these past few months, and I owe it to you in more ways than one. Thank you so much. Every moment we were together was a moment I was at peace. That is the greatest gift that can be given to someone like me.

I know you will have things you wish you'd said to me. It's ok though. I know you care for me. I know you're going to miss me, and I know you're sorry for hurting me. I know, babe. It's ok. I'm sorry and will miss you too.

So I sent you some money. You will be able to guess the password. Please accept it. It's not because I think money makes any sort of difference. It's for therapy, in case you need it after this.

I have instructed Khobi to waive all confidentiality regarding my therapy if you decide to go to her. She may be able to answer questions I wasn't able to.

I hope someday you can understand why I didn't reach out for help. There was nothing you could do, and anything you tried would have just made things harder on us both. It's the same for everyone. Police get called, embarrassment ensues, and it changes nothing. There was no need for us to go through that. You shouldn't have to feel responsible for me. You can't babysit me. That's not what I want for you. I don't want anybody being fucking worried or sad because of me. I'm not your problem.

Speaking of police, don't worry about calling them, or doing anything really. Dealing with this mess is not your responsibility in any way, and other people have been informed and will handle it. Don't worry, I haven't burdened you with being the only one who knows. You just take care of you. Please.

I didn't know whether to have a funeral or not. It's kind of embarassing? Then I realized I am dead and there are people I left behind who may need it for closure. So I've asked that it be held in Calgary, as the vast majority of the people affected are here.

Look, I didn't tell anyone else I don't give a fuck about a funeral, in case they denied themselves one as my final wish or some shit. I'm telling you, because I don't want you to feel obligated to go. I know how fucked up this all is, and how that might feel for you. You do what is right for you. Again, I am sorry.

I'm sorry we couldn't be friends. I miss it a lot now, but I just wasn't able to handle it. That's on me. I'm happy you were willing to try.

Am I making too big a deal out of this whole thing? Whatever, better safe than sorry. Everything I read about suicide says loved ones are tormented by questions and what ifs and guilt, so I'm trying to cover so many bases in one go. I wish I could give everyone a face to face conversation, or have a Q&A Seminar, but that's not how this works.

Truly, I hope this has zero effect on you and you don't wonder a goddamn thing. Perhaps you feel relief. It's ok, I understand. You feel however you need to feel.

I will attempt to explain myself, but it won't make a lot of sense. My mind is broken, so my thinking doesn't follow the same logic as everyone else.

I want you to picture the most stressed out and anxious and sad you have ever been. Then imagine feeling that all the time. The second you wake up, it's that feeling. Your chest is tight, you're desperate but you don't even know what for, and day to day tasks feel almost impossible. So you start bargaining with yourself. "Ok I won't put too much pressure on myself today. I will take it easy, and tomorrow will be a better day". Then tomorrow comes and it's the same thing. Then you start feeling bad for not living up to your responsibilities. You're letting people down, you're letting yourself down. So you feel ashamed. Except you can't reach out for help because that will make you feel more ashamed.

This just continues day after day, until you lose sight of what you even want out of life. What are you suffering for? By now you're completely isolated, stuck with your shame and anxiety, and too fucked up to even interact with others. You're too embarrassed about your situation to talk to anyone, but it's so all consuming you can't hide it. So you just stay the hell away from everyone.

Sometimes I do try to talk to people about what's going on, but that usually ends up making me feel worse. The responses range from unhelpful ("you just need to stay positive" "you just need to help yourself" "why does it even matter?") to outright hurtful ("you did this to yourself" "I can't believe we're talking about this still"). I don't know why things matter, and I try to fucking help myself. Sometimes I just need to talk though, and I just don't have anybody who will listen. I don't know if it would even help.

There's a lot of specifics I could get into, but I don't think that would be helpful for you.

That's what I meant when I said you brought me peace. I feel none of these things when I am with you. It's such a fucking relief. I can relax and have fun. When you are in my life I can focus, and do things right. I don't avoid responsibilities, and I feel good about myself for being successful. You really did make me happy. I know you could see it. You made me proud to be myself.

I debated whether to include that paragraph. I want you to know how much you improved my life, but I know exactly what a double edged sword that is. In the end I chose to include it because I trust you not to dwell on the negative side, because it is fucking ridiculous. You're smarter than that.

I know what my potential is, and I know I will never be able to live up to it thanks to these feelings. Eventually, it always gets me. When I was younger I would blame others. I can't do that anymore. I know it's me, and it will always be me. I just want to be at peace. I hope I explained it enough for you to someday understand.

I'm sorry I'm leaving you this kind of memory. Thinking of me will suck, but eventually you just won't anymore. Everything will fade, and I will be a bad memory you choose to ignore. Which is absolutely ok.

You have more than enough multi-page emails of me professing my love for you. Hell, they were all me professing my love in some way. So I will keep this part short.

I admire and respect you. I hope to God you don't spend anymore time worrying about your accent, or whether you ski, or have an education or a daughter. Any of those things. It's awesome when you swear.

Never, ever be ashamed of who you are. I am so proud of you. I know I'm not the only one.

You are smart, strong, beautiful (regardless of what a scale says), and charming. There is nobody else like you, and definitely nobody better. You are a fucking miracle.

You deserve to have your dreams come true. I believe you can make it happen.

I love you dearly, Anggi. Good-bye, my friend, for real this time. I am so happy you were a part of my life.

I didn't read the whole note yet bc I have a short attn span but I love that you left a resource for them ! So kind and thoughtful

 

[HobgoblinV]

I didn't read the whole note yet bc I have a short attn span but I love that you left a resource for them ! So kind and thoughtful

That's the goal. I just don't want my good intentions to accidentally cause more damage.

 

[Redt2go]

That's the goal. I just don't want my good intentions to accidentally cause more damage.

Why do you think they would cause more damage?

 

[HobgoblinV]

Why do you think they would cause more damage?

Well, mainly I'm afraid that telling her how much she meant to me will lead her to believe I did this because of her. I want to leave her with love, but I don't want to accidentally create guilt.

 

[EmotionlessWanderer]

I had a suicide note draft in this thread but it disappeared off the map for some reason so I'll try to rewrite mine the best I can. I remember little about it so bear with me.

If you're reading this then that means I've made the decision to leave this Earth. You're probably thinking I was impulsive or not in the right mind but truth is this is a choice I considered and thought through for years on end even before becoming unemployed. This is something that I truly want.

I cannot relate to this world nor be interested in any of it's values. I am unhappy here and will be even more so if I stick around. This isn't the autistic confusion talking as you like to believe or the epidemical depression these topics often get confused of being. These are my true thoughts.

It isn't your fault nor anyone's. As a mother you did a wonderful job raising me and trying to set me up for this world. This is a path I chose to walk.

I know you will be hurt by my transition for a at least a while but I want you to continue being happy with your life regardless or try at least. You have much to live for even without me and that goes for anyone else reading this. Letting my departure bring you down is not what I want.

And death is not the end. I am convinced that a better world exists after my passing. A world I can be happier in and more free. And if I delay my departure into that world any longer I will only become more unhappy.

I can only hope that you understand why I chose to do this and forgive me when I eventually see you again.

Peace out, everyone.

Ok how is it? Be honest.

 

[Weems]

I was thinking of getting a set of pictures taken at a portrait studio. Something for my parents to remember me by. A note too.

 

[needtogonow]

My rough draft of my note is as follows:

I'm so very, very sorry.

Before I say anything else , pease believe that I did not seek to cause anyone pain... Only to ease my own. I feel great grief and guilt that I must leave you all this way, and many times before my guilt has caused me not to act on my desire to end my life. However, guilt is not enough to live on. I cannot live only to avoid hurting others.

Though I have been planning this attempt for months, and have had the means for weeks, this is something I have desperately wished for for years. When I was young and first stopped caring about my life, first started trying to take it, I was told life would get better. But for the past 15 years, my life has only gotten worse. I am not smart, or clever, or pretty. Not intelligent or interesting or driven. I have no purpose, no passion, nothing to live for. I love (my dog), but I cannot live only for her. I cannot take care of her, when I cannot even care for myself.

In the past eight years especially, I have lost all will and reason to live. I cared not for the consequences of my actions, because I did not care for my life. I cared only about distracting myself from my pain, so I wouldn't have to think or feel. I was raped, when I was 18. I started smoking, drinking, and cutting. I've burned myself with cigarettes. I've made so many terrible mistakes and horrible decisions that I can never forgive myself for or live with. My mental and physical health has deteriorated drastically. My hearing and eyesight are going, my teeth crumble in my mouth, my body is always in pain from migraines, eye aches, nerve pain and more. I struggle with basic comprehension, memory and retention of knowledge. I cannot sleep and I'm always exhausted. I've been trying to hide my anxieties, but I'm always afraid, and the panic attacks are getting more frequent.

The truth is, I hate myself so very, very much. I have for a very long time. Even if suddenly everything went right in my life (I won the lottery, found the love of my life, got therapy and medications to ease my hurts, whatever), I would still hate myself, and I would not be able to cope with my past and who I've become. This was no spur of the moment attempt, no desperate plea for attention or manic act. I genuinely do not want to live on this Earth any longer, and if I somehow survive this (which I pray I do not), I will still have no fight left, no will to continue living. I will not bother to lie my way out of the hospital again. For all I care, I can rot there.

My main point is - do not blame yourselves for this. My reasons for ending my life have nothing to do with anyone but myself. You have kept me alive this long, and that is a miracle in and of itself. I love you all, and I'm sorry I had to hurt you this way. Im glad I got to have one last Christmas with everyone, and I tried very hard to make it a Merry one, and to say goodbye, in the only way I could. I hope that you will not dwell on me - that you will love your lives and be happy. Maybe one day you can accept my choice, and believe that I am at peace now. Goodbye.

... And that's pretty much it.... I will be also leave instructions for my body (cheap cremation), my dog (going to my mom) and my bird (going to a friend). I have nothing else I'm leaving behind, so it won't be a bother.

This is an excellent note. It's clearly communicated, kind, and conveys your suffering really well. I feel a great deal of compassion for you, and am so sorry for your pain. I would delete this part though: I am not smart, or clever, or pretty. Not intelligent or interesting or driven.

The reason I would take that out is because you may not feel smart pretty, intelligent, or interesting, but you are clearly loved. You are loved by whoever you're writing the note to, I can tell that by the care you took to reassure them. They will be filled with grief. So, knowing that, I would say that even though you don't feel smart, pretty and so on, they think you are. And it will make them even more sad that you died not believing in your own worth that they see so clearly. (For that matter, even I can see that you're smart, clever, and interesting just from your note.) Other than that, this is really good.

Here's my note to my sister. I am going to send her a delayed email.

-------------

If you are reading this, I am dead.

First, I would like to thank you and the rest of the family for caring so much for me. None of you are at fault. I needed to do this for myself. My health was deteriorating and I wanted to meet death on my own terms.

How did I die? I ingested 3 bottles of Nembutal. My death was painless.

Now, some housekeeping is in order.

Regarding my Body:
My body is in the silver Ford Focus I used to drive near the house. Try to find it before it decays too much. I should be in a diaper to prevent fluids from leaking onto the car.
Once you've called the police, call 800-417-3747. This is the number for Science Care. They will take my whole body and sell useful parts of it to scientific organizations. Included in this service is free transportation of the body and cremation. Mamá and Papá won't have to pay a dime.
If Science Care doesn't accept me, try MedCure: 1-866-560-2525.

Regarding my Work:
In my hard drives is all the art that I have made. If you receive requests to print copies of my art, you can find all the pieces on there. Use the highest quality pieces. Please note that you need a MacBook to access the hard drives. I have left my MacBook behind. Go to your local computer dealer and tell him to reformat the computer to have a fresh computer. * can keep a copy of her portrait. I should also be receiving copies of my work through the mail. If you must, donate my pieces to the Nasher Museum of Art or the Cameron Art Museum.

Regarding my Stuff:
You or can keep my books. There are very valuable and rare books in my collection so try not to just give them away. You can keep my computer, my iPhone, and the money in my * account. I have left some undeveloped photo film on my bed. Develop the photos when you can.

Again, thank you for being my sister. I will forever cherish our time together. See you on the other side when the time is right.

Great note. Very clear and well organized. I'm so sorry that your health is not good. My only suggestion would be to tell your sister and the rest of your family that you love them, if in fact you do. Hope you find peace.

I had a suicide note draft in this thread but it disappeared off the map for some reason so I'll try to rewrite mine the best I can. I remember little about it so bear with me.

If you're reading this then that means I've made the decision to leave this Earth. You're probably thinking I was impulsive or not in the right mind but truth is this is a choice I considered and thought through for years on end even before becoming unemployed. This is something that I truly want.

I cannot relate to this world nor be interested in any of it's values. I am unhappy here and will be even more so if I stick around. This isn't the autistic confusion talking as you like to believe or the epidemical depression these topics often get confused of being. These are my true thoughts.

It isn't your fault nor anyone's. As a mother you did a wonderful job raising me and trying to set me up for this world. This is a path I chose to walk.

I know you will be hurt by my transition for a at least a while but I want you to continue being happy with your life regardless or try at least. You have much to live for even without me and that goes for anyone else reading this. Letting my departure bring you down is not what I want.

And death is not the end. I am convinced that a better world exists after my passing. A world I can be happier in and more free. And if I delay my departure into that world any longer I will only become more unhappy.

I can only hope that you understand why I chose to do this and forgive me when I eventually see you again.

Peace out, everyone.

Ok how is it? Be honest.

I think this is powerful, honest, and clear. I like that you reiterated that it's your choice and not anyone's fault. One thing: Is there anyone else in your family who will be extremely hurt that they are left out of the note? Do you have a father or siblings that you love, or are those relationships too troubled for you to want to include them? Once again, this is a very nice note.

 

[Jen Erik]

Great note. Very clear and well organized. I'm so sorry that your health is not good. My only suggestion would be to tell your sister and the rest of your family that you love them, if in fact you do. Hope you find peace.

He's since ctb'ed, confirmed by news reports if I recall correctly, so hopefully he's found that peace. Really kind person.

 

[ShyRaccoon]

I'd rather record a video of me saying goodbye to my mom and explaining her why I've done it... What I'll definetly do is type "NO CPR" on my chest with a marker.

 

[needtogonow]

He's since ctb'ed, confirmed by news reports if I recall correctly, so hopefully he's found that peace. Really kind person.

Wow. I'm sad to hear that, although it's clearly what he wanted. Do you have a link to the report, or to any info that will let me search it?

 

[Jen Erik]

Do you have a link to the report, or to any info that will let me search it?

I don't. It's posted somewhere on here, though, because that's how I found out about it.