wondering if looking for support is just more self-harming

[noaccount]

I guess one thing that brings this up is that for a while I was seeing this woman last winter and I was trying really hard to be clear about where I was at and what I was trying to do to be okay, and it didn't seem like it was okay for me to communicate about that and I wonder if it can ever be okay for me to share that or if that's just a way to hurt myself more.

This one time I stopped doing something she wanted to do she immediately jumped on this "oh I'm sorry something bad happened and made you this way" thread, when I was just doing a totally neutral and healthy thing for myself? The implication of that is, I think, "oh by default you'd automatically want to do what I want, you'd only feel differently if Something Happened," Like how is that any different from telling someone "something bad must have happened to make you gay" or "something bad must have happened to make you an atheist", when those are both healthy normal things to be?? I just felt like if I said more about what I wanted or didn't, it would lead more to her making up stories like that about me.

A little while later I also pulled away when I wanted her to stop doing something and idk she called me 'difficult' which maybe she just meant as a joke but I just didn't feel great about that.

She said something to me at one point that I don't feel like repeating right now, I guess she saw by my reaction that I didn't feel great about that and asked if she should stop, I kind of felt like going into the bathroom to make myself throw up but I didn't do that, I thought about asking her if she'd feel okay about someone acting that way towards her but I didn't think I could say that much without crying, so then I just asked her why and she got really sarcastic to me. Maybe she meant that as a joke too, idk I don't always understand non-literal speech that great.

After that it just seemed intimidating or overwhelming to try talking about what I wanted and didn't want. I wonder if I can ever tell people what I need to try to keep myself healthy or more-stable, and not have that be treated as a sign of damage or a joke. If I'm trying to be friends with people I think it's important that we respect each others' personal choices and finding other sources of support. But I wind up feeling like I have to hyper-monitor how I talk or how I move, and if something isn't ok for me, I don't know if there's any way I can express that without being hurt more or laughed at or having imaginary trauma histories inscribed onto me.

 

[GoBack]

I think I couldn't be in a relationship where it's not ok to not be ok. It wouldn't last long if I had to bottle everything up .. I'm too tired to make much sense right now sorry

Its sounds like you weren't getting space to be yourself or to do what you need to do to be well in yourself.

 

[noaccount]

Yeah we don't see each other anymore for other reasons and I'm alone now. In a way, though, it *was* ok to not be ok sometimes? Like she'd openly talk a lot about her own mental health stuff and angry political stuff, which kindof normalized it for me to talk about all that too. But then idk other things would happen that I'd just feel really hopeless about. Thanks.

 

[Nuclear Gandhi]

Hey. First of all I am sorry you experienced this situation - nobody deserves to be invalidated like that.
I think you made a right decision about stopping seeing this person. You were completely honest about your state of mind, you were not trying to pretend to be somebody that you aren't, you trusted her with your personal information. She was not ready to accept who you are and it seems like was not really pleasant about it. I think being comfortable about who you are in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) is crucial, otherwise what's the point really?

I am glad you stayed true to yourself and I sincerely hope this story will not discourage you from being honest with people about your situation and opening up. Wish you the best :)

 

[pole]

sorry about what you've gone through. being invalidated and misunderstood, criticized and judged, makes you feel like as if you don't matter and as if all you're problems are nothing and its all just in you're head.

i'm also really critical and overly aware with what i do and say to someone, trying not to reveal as much, cause people don't understand and it never is worth being invalidated and judged yet again. so the way you feel, hyper-monitoring what you say to others, that's completely normal.

normally when we feel invalidated, not understood, feel like our voice isn't being heard nor are we feeling valued and seen, we'll be more hesitant in talking to people and opening up in the future. But NOT EVERYONE is like that. unfortunately, in you're experience, all you've come across are people who don't understand you and you WILL come across people who understand, and it can start with being on this forum and talking to people who feel the same and have gone through similar experiences as you.

i do believe outside of this site, you will find great support systems that allow you to open up and talk about how you feel and you'll have you're problems heard and valued and cared for, rather than being judged and criticized and undervalued. no one should feel as if there problems are a joke, as if there nothing. to be honest, the invalidation you've experienced ISNT A YOU PROBLEM, its a THEM PROBLEM. none of how you feel is you're fault and i know its hard to not feel terrible about yourself after being invalidated cause all you feel like is blaming yourself, but it isn't you at all. its on them, the people who just can't understand and fail to value you and empathize with your problems. it's just a matter of being able to find the right people to talk to, and being comfortable again with opening up.

i really hope you find a great support system and people or a person that allows you to feel comfortable enough in opening up; validates you're problems and has you feeling like you're voice is being heard, and cares a ton for you. unfortunately, you haven't found that yet and that isn't you're fault at all. all of us are on this site talking each other, cause we know the average person who hasn't gone through anything or can't show the slightest of empathy because they haven't gone through anything fails to genuinly want to understand and be there for another person whos hurting and its led us here, on a site where we surround ourselves with people who do understand and care. you definitely will find this irl, and this support system will come along for you.

take care.

 

[Luchs]

I guess one thing that brings this up is that for a while I was seeing this woman last winter and I was trying really hard to be clear about where I was at and what I was trying to do to be okay, and it didn't seem like it was okay for me to communicate about that and I wonder if it can ever be okay for me to share that or if that's just a way to hurt myself more.

This one time I stopped doing something she wanted to do she immediately jumped on this "oh I'm sorry something bad happened and made you this way" thread, when I was just doing a totally neutral and healthy thing for myself? The implication of that is, I think, "oh by default you'd automatically want to do what I want, you'd only feel differently if Something Happened," Like how is that any different from telling someone "something bad must have happened to make you gay" or "something bad must have happened to make you an atheist", when those are both healthy normal things to be?? I just felt like if I said more about what I wanted or didn't, it would lead more to her making up stories like that about me.

A little while later I also pulled away when I wanted her to stop doing something and idk she called me 'difficult' which maybe she just meant as a joke but I just didn't feel great about that.

She said something to me at one point that I don't feel like repeating right now, I guess she saw by my reaction that I didn't feel great about that and asked if she should stop, I kind of felt like going into the bathroom to make myself throw up but I didn't do that, I thought about asking her if she'd feel okay about someone acting that way towards her but I didn't think I could say that much without crying, so then I just asked her why and she got really sarcastic to me. Maybe she meant that as a joke too, idk I don't always understand non-literal speech that great.

After that it just seemed intimidating or overwhelming to try talking about what I wanted and didn't want. I wonder if I can ever tell people what I need to try to keep myself healthy or more-stable, and not have that be treated as a sign of damage or a joke. If I'm trying to be friends with people I think it's important that we respect each others' personal choices and finding other sources of support. But I wind up feeling like I have to hyper-monitor how I talk or how I move, and if something isn't ok for me, I don't know if there's any way I can express that without being hurt more or laughed at or having imaginary trauma histories inscribed onto me.

You there! Yes you, @noaccount! Stop being so relatable this instant!

 

[noaccount]

Thank you NG and Hassuu. I think my life's included a good bit of finding people I could count as allies, but trying to involve myself with them by jumping into organizer-roles I was really unsuited or ill-prepared for, subsequent burnout and isolation. Idk I'm kind of autistic or something. I had started going to some support groups for a few months before the shut-down and am still in touch w some of those people but just online. Luchs I'm sorry this has been your experience too. <3 If you want to say any more abt how you dealt w that I'd be glad to hear.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@noaccount, I remember reading in Courage to Heal about getting support. It was recommended to test people's ability to support with smaller disclosures to see how they handle them, and slowly building. It was also said that another's inability to handle something or be supportive is not a reflection of you but of them, akin to what @Hasssssuùuu said.

I also recommend the book Boundaries. I think it would be helpful for analyzing what happened with your friend, such as her other-defining behavior.

I think that as you build skills, you'll be better able to judge people and build intimacy more slowly so that you're not as open to harm, and can judge risks before taking them. I don't think it's self-harm to let others in, just building the skills to know who to let in and how much, and how to maintain boundaries when someone is rejecting and/or attacking them, like the whole situation when your friend asked if she should stop -- as you build skills and awareness, you'll be better able to manage situations like that.

Just some suggestions, take what you want from them.

Edit: The book Boundaries is both psychology and Christianity, and sometimes has a my-shit-doesn't-stink and slightly judgmental tone. I overlook what doesn't serve me, I found it to have a lot of valuable information, insights and tools.