lucid
antinatalist specialist
- Jun 29, 2019
- 177
If there were any day I would want to CTB the most, this would be one of them. Everything is just twisting and turning inside my head and I hate it. Last night, I had a dream where someone exposed something to everyone that is personal about myself that I don't reveal too often (unless it's to family or close friends), and I was going to be mutilated for it (albeit not in a way that it could suddenly happen at any time). It made me feel sick. I want, to be sick.
Every fucking day I gradually get more and more of a reason to finally depart from this wretched world. The disgusting people who inhabit it, the disgusting things that are done; I hate it. I hate it all. But of course I can't just take my fucking life like that because there are people who still give a shit about me for some reason. Why? I don't contribute a single fucking thing. I'm useless. I'm lazy. I'm disgusting. I'm a pathetic excuse of a being. I'm tired of family, friends and other people telling me that I matter. Do I fuck. I've been nothing but a burden to everyone with all my complaining and bullshit. Yes, I come off as nice because I like to get along with people and not have every single person hate me to my core, but almost anyone can be friendly. It's not that hard. Not to say it's not genuine, though. I adore my family and friends, but I love and care for them all too much to just abandon them like this. Why can't I just finally lose my emotions? Losing my father was enough to make it almost impossible for me to cry, so why can't I just lose it all like that?
I'm trying not to spill too much here, in case I happen to be found. But I just long for the day everyone forgets about me or I completely give up any hope so I can finally CTB in peace without any worries and come back anew as who I want to be in a better life. Perhaps maybe even CTB with somebody else as I have never liked being alone with myself, but that decision will have to wait.
Also in case someone misinterprets,
I know there are wonderful, amazing and friendly people out there, and even on this site, and I wish there were more of those people. Not the heartless individuals not willing to accept people because they're not "normal".
I feel like I've left something out in this post, but oh well.
Every fucking day I gradually get more and more of a reason to finally depart from this wretched world. The disgusting people who inhabit it, the disgusting things that are done; I hate it. I hate it all. But of course I can't just take my fucking life like that because there are people who still give a shit about me for some reason. Why? I don't contribute a single fucking thing. I'm useless. I'm lazy. I'm disgusting. I'm a pathetic excuse of a being. I'm tired of family, friends and other people telling me that I matter. Do I fuck. I've been nothing but a burden to everyone with all my complaining and bullshit. Yes, I come off as nice because I like to get along with people and not have every single person hate me to my core, but almost anyone can be friendly. It's not that hard. Not to say it's not genuine, though. I adore my family and friends, but I love and care for them all too much to just abandon them like this. Why can't I just finally lose my emotions? Losing my father was enough to make it almost impossible for me to cry, so why can't I just lose it all like that?
I'm trying not to spill too much here, in case I happen to be found. But I just long for the day everyone forgets about me or I completely give up any hope so I can finally CTB in peace without any worries and come back anew as who I want to be in a better life. Perhaps maybe even CTB with somebody else as I have never liked being alone with myself, but that decision will have to wait.
Also in case someone misinterprets,
This was not meaning every single person.
I know there are wonderful, amazing and friendly people out there, and even on this site, and I wish there were more of those people. Not the heartless individuals not willing to accept people because they're not "normal".
