Wish suicidality was less taboo

[thirdrailer]

I wish suicidality was less taboo. I found talking about it with my one friend extremely freeing. I'm SO miserable so much of the time and have been for thirty years. My first and only somewhat serious attempt was when I was ten and my mother interrupted me. I have CPTSD from a father just violent enough to make me feel perpetually unsafe but not violent enough to ever hit me. I have sexual trauma as well from an older cousin in a leadership position at church. I've also known since at least age 13 but probably earlier that I am trans even before I ever heard that term and my whole life trans people like me have been pariahs and figurative or literal punching bags. I'm going to be 40 soon and I don't want to live like this any more. I'm miserable and I wish I could tell people how miserable I am. I don't want to die but I can't keep going on like this and don't feel the people in my life give enough of a shit to actually help me blow my life up and start over. I have no real support I trust. I have no IRL community.

I wish I could tell people I'm so desperate I'm thinking of killing myself. I'm so tired of being so alone.

 

[Meteora]

I empathize..... I m going through similar stuff and I m just exhausted, can't go on like this. I m 45, have littlte to no support and it's just enough.
if you want.

 

[rosenwasser]

I totally understand this. For me, talking about suicidality is extremely helpful, especially when I am somewhere between 4 and 6 on the suicidality scale (after that it's just straight up terrible).
I also have C-PTSD and will have to live with it for the rest of my life.
Maybe you can try to find a recovery partner here in the forum if you'd still like to recover or look for a therapist that is ready to talk with you about this (I'm aware that this is easier said than done, I found my therapist after over five years of searching).

 

[thirdrailer]

What is a recovery partner? How does that work? That sounds great.

 

[thirdrailer]

I hope it's okay for me to vent here. I feel like the world is an awful place and it's just getting more and more awful all the time. And I feel so totally powerless to do anything about it. And I feel like nobody wants to be there for me to help me through the despair. Or at least the people who might are just as overwhelmed and lost by the enormity of it all. I wish I could do anything to make the world a better place but I can't. Not for myself. Not for anybody. And increasingly I think nobody can. I'm becoming more sad and more nihilistic and more forlorn, and while accepting my gender has been wonderful for me it has also helped me see how truly awful the world is. I don't want to die. I just feel helpless to do anything else.
I wish I could find a way back to being hopeful about the world, but I see most people are emotionally ill-equipped to face hardship. Most of them ignore it and make the world worse for those of us whose circumstance makes it so we cannot.