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willitpass

willitpass

Don’t try to offer me help, I’ve tried everything
Mar 10, 2020
2,954
After 8 weeks inpatient I finally made it to residential a few days ago. My last chance at recovery. I decided I would start a thread here to chronicle my time here.

It's the weekend so I haven't had much real programming yet. I met my therapist but haven't had a session yet. I did have my intake with my psychiatrist and it went okay. I told him about the dizziness and passing out since starting the med and he still wasn't wanting to take me off of it. It isn't even helping so I'm frustrated that I've been telling the doctors about the dizziness and passing out for weeks now and no one is doing anything about it. It's a very interfering side effect for no benefit. I did just do a group where I was able to finally verbalize something that I've been aware of but struggling to find the words for: I have all of the coping skills and awareness of what's happening, but I don't have any self worth. If I don't have a desire to feel good, if I want to feel bad, if I don't believe I deserve peace and happiness, then no matter how many coping skills I know and how many groups I go to, no matter how much therapy I get, it won't matter if I hate myself. If I believe I deserve suffering then I will not get better. I just don't know how to care about myself.
 
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N

NoPoint2Life

Why is this so hard?
Aug 31, 2024
435
I think it's awesome that you moved to residential and made such a breakthrough today. It even says a lot how you are posting this in the recovery section. I hope everything goes well for you. ❤️
 
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willitpass

willitpass

Don’t try to offer me help, I’ve tried everything
Mar 10, 2020
2,954
Today was my first real day of programming and therapy since being here. It was incredibly draining and emotionally taxing. I made some good goals with my team for what we're going to work on and how we'll work on it, which was nice. But I'm just not having any hope that this is a long term fix. I cannot shake the feeling that I am still just delaying the inevitable. I am still convinced that I will still eventually CTB.
 
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CatLvr

Elementalist
Aug 1, 2024
809
OMG!! I am so happy to see you back!! 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 I sure hope these folks will treat you decently! And help you as much as you want them to! OMGosh!! This has made my evening!! Merry Christmas, sweetie!!
 
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willitpass

willitpass

Don’t try to offer me help, I’ve tried everything
Mar 10, 2020
2,954
I feel so infuriated right now. I'm constantly being commended by my doctors and nurses and treatment team for being self aware. For knowing what is wrong with me because "that's such a valuable piece of information". For being so intelligent. I am so tired of people telling me that's a good thing. It feels like my biggest detriment. Yeah I know what's wrong. I know the cycles I get into. I know when I'm self sabotaging. I know I know I know I know so much. But what does it fucking matter? Because I also know all of the fucking coping skills. I know everything that's supposed to help me. I know what should stop these cycles. And it doesn't. I am self aware and can do nothing to stop it so I'm just stuck in these cycles and watching them play out without any way to stop them despite having every tool at my disposal that everyone claims should stop them. I'm so angry. I'm so stuck. I'm so tired. I just want to be done.
 
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F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
10,099
I really admire you for trying all of this, even though it must feel so frustrating.

May I ask, what did they say when you said, you don't know how to care about yourself? Do you think you can get them to focus on that? Like you say- it seems like you have a firm grasp of the other stuff. You know when you're self sabotaging. You know the things you should be doing to stop yourself. Now- presumably- you need the will to want to stop yourself.

I'm no psychologist so- this is a guess. I imagine for a lot of people, there may be enough of a self presevation instinct or fear of pain that prevents them going too far- maybe. From what you've described previously with regards to severe prescription drug abuse (which I'm guessing run the very real risk of damaging major organs,) it does sound like you sincerely don't care or, you sincerely believe you deserve to suffer that much. Do they not address that side of it? Why you feel compelled to suffer and punish yourself? I would have thought that was important. Can you maybe ask them to try and work with you on that? To me- that sounds like the underlying problem. If you didn't have this compulsion to hurt yourself, you wouldn't even need to stop yourself doing it.

Regardless, I hope it does eventually work for you.
 
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nir

nir

27/F/Canada
Aug 18, 2024
305
I feel so infuriated right now. I'm constantly being commended by my doctors and nurses and treatment team for being self aware. For knowing what is wrong with me because "that's such a valuable piece of information". For being so intelligent. I am so tired of people telling me that's a good thing. It feels like my biggest detriment. Yeah I know what's wrong. I know the cycles I get into. I know when I'm self sabotaging. I know I know I know I know so much. But what does it fucking matter? Because I also know all of the fucking coping skills. I know everything that's supposed to help me. I know what should stop these cycles. And it doesn't. I am self aware and can do nothing to stop it so I'm just stuck in these cycles and watching them play out without any way to stop them despite having every tool at my disposal that everyone claims should stop them. I'm so angry. I'm so stuck. I'm so tired. I just want to be done.
It's interesting that they're commending you for being so self-aware. I recently saw a video from a therapist who talked about the double-edged sword of a patient who becomes too self-aware. Like most things, it's best in moderation.

I also struggle with being hyper-self-aware - I pick apart everything I feel as I'm feeling it. Lately when my brain starts racing to "make sense" of what I'm feeling, I've just been telling myself to shut up and let myself feel whatever I'm feeling without making it into a big thought project to mull over for way too long. I have to keep reminding myself that extreme self-reflection is just as bad as looking into an actual mirror for too long - if you look too hard for too much time, you're gonna start seeing shit that isn't there.

I think it's kinda a control thing - if I see my flaws, or my illness, or whatever before someone else does, it feels like I'm still leading my narrative. I think the more I learn to give up some of this control, maybe the better I'll start to feel? It can't be healthy for a human to always analyze themselves. We weren't built for that kind of constant self-critique. I think having to know everything behind our actions can be fruitless, but at the same time I still want to know it. I want to be correct, I want to be right, I don't want to ever be called out or not know why I'm feeling a certain way because not knowing is terrifying.

I dunno. This is word vomit. I feel you, is what I'm trying to say. And I'm really happy you're still here and trying, even though it's tough right now. I hope it gets better <3
 
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LaVieEnRose

LaVieEnRose

Angelic
Jul 23, 2022
4,265
I feel so infuriated right now. I'm constantly being commended by my doctors and nurses and treatment team for being self aware. For knowing what is wrong with me because "that's such a valuable piece of information". For being so intelligent. I am so tired of people telling me that's a good thing. It feels like my biggest detriment. Yeah I know what's wrong. I know the cycles I get into. I know when I'm self sabotaging. I know I know I know I know so much. But what does it fucking matter? Because I also know all of the fucking coping skills. I know everything that's supposed to help me. I know what should stop these cycles. And it doesn't. I am self aware and can do nothing to stop it so I'm just stuck in these cycles and watching them play out without any way to stop them despite having every tool at my disposal that everyone claims should stop them. I'm so angry. I'm so stuck. I'm so tired. I just want to be done.
First off, I am glad to hear from you.

Oh yes, the "you're so insightful" thing....of course, as soon as you disagree slightly with what they are saying then suddenly your "insight" becomes impaired.

Anyone here who even followed your recountings of what you were going through could have told you the same things as these people are.

But I suggest you explicitly tell them that what they are constantly saying to you is not helping you and not getting at the crux of your problems. This is your last-ditch effort to seek treatment and it would be best to be completely explicit with them.
 
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willitpass

willitpass

Don’t try to offer me help, I’ve tried everything
Mar 10, 2020
2,954
I really admire you for trying all of this, even though it must feel so frustrating.

May I ask, what did they say when you said, you don't know how to care about yourself? Do you think you can get them to focus on that? Like you say- it seems like you have a firm grasp of the other stuff. You know when you're self sabotaging. You know the things you should be doing to stop yourself. Now- presumably- you need the will to want to stop yourself.

I'm no psychologist so- this is a guess. I imagine for a lot of people, there may be enough of a self presevation instinct or fear of pain that prevents them going too far- maybe. From what you've described previously with regards to severe prescription drug abuse (which I'm guessing run the very real risk of damaging major organs,) it does sound like you sincerely don't care or, you sincerely believe you deserve to suffer that much. Do they not address that side of it? Why you feel compelled to suffer and punish yourself? I would have thought that was important. Can you maybe ask them to try and work with you on that? To me- that sounds like the underlying problem. If you didn't have this compulsion to hurt yourself, you wouldn't even need to stop yourself doing it.

Regardless, I hope it does eventually work for you.
That is something that is a one of our primary goals to focus on. Whether or not we'll be successful in achieving that goal is to be determined. I struggle to believe we will. Which once against falls into the self-awareness issue. If I do not believe that it will happen, the odds of it happening are decreased, yet I don't know how to convince myself to believe it will work.
 
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Reactions: CatLvr
LaVieEnRose

LaVieEnRose

Angelic
Jul 23, 2022
4,265
That is something that is a one of our primary goals to focus on. Whether or not we'll be successful in achieving that goal is to be determined. I struggle to believe we will. Which once against falls into the self-awareness issue. If I do not believe that it will happen, the odds of it happening are decreased, yet I don't know how to convince myself to believe it will work.
Convincing yourself via mental brute force to believe anything isn't going to work much much less for someone of your mental acuity. A mind like yours can't tolerate mental illusions. But I guess you can remain at least a little open-minded. I know you have endured so much "sanctuary trauma" which is a term I recently came across and wished I had earlier. So that will make it harder.
 
willitpass

willitpass

Don’t try to offer me help, I’ve tried everything
Mar 10, 2020
2,954
I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I've gained so much weight in the hospital. I'm disgusted with myself. I saw how I looked in the shower just now and spent a half hour sobbing over it. I can't stand myself in this body. I just want to die. I'm not strong enough. I can't do this.
 

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