Discussion Will you always be suicidal?

[WornOutLife]

Even if you got all you wanted, would you still be suicidal?

I'm in recovery and doing my best to win this battle so as to keep on living but I've realized that no matter what happens, even if you gave me 1 million dollars, I would still be suicidal.

Maybe I wouldn't ctb, but killing myself will always be on my mind.

For instance, today In argentina it's a rainy and quiet day and as I drink one bottle of champagne (yeah, fuck alcohol), I think... "Damn, today is a good day to catch the bus..."

So, here's the question:

Do you think you will always be suicidal in spite of recovering?

 

[Life_and_Death]

Do you think we will always be suicidal in spite of recovering?

i think it depends on the person and what their problems are. for me personally, im screwed. i have certain fears that basically mean i have to ctb

 

[WornOutLife]

i think it depends on the person and what their problems are. for me personally, im screwed. i have certain fears that basically mean i have to ctb

Yeah you're right! I've changed the title to YOU so that I can see every person's situation just like yours.
You know what? I would really like to be there with you and give you a hug. It might not help that much but I just feel like doing it lol

 

[Life_and_Death]

You know what? I would really like to be there with you and give you a hug. It might not help that much but I just feel like doing it lol

dont make me happy cry. im sure thats not nice some how

 

[Birdie]

Sadly, yes. I believe it's a part of me, of who I am... there are days better than others, but it never stops.

 

[Vilthuril]

No, someday I'll be dead.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I always wonder about this question, it's a hugely important and interesting one. Is there something intrinsic to some brains' processing that destines them for suicidal thoughts no matter what? Or is the suicidality just the result of life circumstances which if improved would genuinely stop those kinds of thoughts? It's such a difficult question and I don't think anyone knows for sure. If I had to guess, I would say that I wouldn't be suicidal if I got all I wanted, but to achieve that is impossible sadly (money can do a lot but we're stil extremely limited due to limits in our current understanding). Also, one's wants can change, and they probably do for most people over the course of their lives, so this complicates things even more. If having absolute power, I think I would make it so that my wants never change, never growing bored of what I have, and am content with my lot.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

No, someday I'll be dead.

Epic posters deserve epic praise.

 

[MrAsclepius]

If I am alive, I will not want to be. No medication or vacation has changed that.

 

[262653]

I think I'll always consider suicide an option because:
1) the leading causes of death are slow and not altogether pleasant;
2) I'm inevitably going to die;
3) the suicide methods I'm considering are more overall peaceful (desirable ways to go) than the leading causes of death.

(Ok, the first point is redundant but I want to sound a little dramatic.)

 

[WornOutLife]

No, someday I'll be dead.

True! I hope there's not some kind of after life in which I'm still suicidal, though.

 

[Symbiote]

I have experienced first-hand what it's like to do life-changing things yet could never escape the suicidal thoughts or feelings that you're not good enough for this world. Can travel all over, do work that you're passionate about, get married, and have no financial debt, but makes it seem selfish and almost like imposter syndrome to be suicidal most days. I can't connect with society and can't connect with like-minded people on here. On a good day, my suicidal thoughts tend to be dark humor. On a bad day, suicidal thoughts become more realistic and knowing I can end it all if I go into my favorite spot and drink SN. Too easy for me, too hard for others.

Life is hard for you and me. That's something we all have in common at least.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think as long as I find a close-to-perfect significant other then my urge to CTB will likely be reduced altogether. I'd like to think that any other type of hardship such as economic or environmental can be dealt with as long as me and her are facing it together. I suppose my CTB desires could return if she dies or divorces or otherwise leaves me for whatever reason. Anything that puts the relationship at serious jeopardy I guess.

And by anything, I'm referring to myself. There is a nonzero chance that even if I do get a relationship, my other self would still try to find ways to sabotage it. Sometimes my desire to CTB stems purely from my desire to get even with myself for causing so much of the pain in my life and other lives. The person I'm with would have to be capable of understanding the depths of this foolish dynamic while still wanting to be with me which I don't really think is humanly possible if I'm being quite honest.

When I was connecting and conversing with the girl from four months ago, I actually felt my two selves merge into one being which could be a good sign like maybe having an actual person who's very much like me but not exactly me that I want to love and support instead of hate and kill was the key all along. I guess I'll never know because I'll never even get that close again in the first place because I only have about a year left before I CTB for sure...

 

[eternaltroubador]

Even if you got all you wanted, would you still be suicidal?

I've asked myself that a lot recently. I've been looking at bus routes for a long time now, and a lot of the reasons I thought I was suicidal years ago are no longer the case. For example, I thought I wanted to die because I was lonely. I thought that was the number one reason i wanted to go. Well here i am, surrounded by people who care about me, but i still want to ctb. honestly, i figure at this point that its not that i hate my life, i simply hate life. Even people who can claim to love life admit it is full of constant struggles. Maybe its because of my anxiety or perhaps im just weak willed, but it seems to me that the misery from those struggles will always outweigh the positives of living. So why do it? its like if you wanted to buy a coffee, but the line to get one went all the way down the block. Yeah, the coffee would be nice, but you'd have to stand out in the cold, mind-numbingly bored, your legs would be sore by the end. The misery you'd have to endure would surely outweigh any joy you'd get from the coffee. So the decision seems simple, you just go home.

 

[fixitinpost]

There was a time when I wasn't, so I like to think there will come a time where I won't be.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Been more or less suicidal without skipping a single day for five years. Productive or not, employed or unemployed, sad or happy, I'll always look forward to leaving.

 

[watchingthewheels]

Most likely I would. I've been so since a child, and it's been a constant tug of war since. And the threads that I've been hanging on to that kept me going are get thinner every year.

Most likely I would. I've been so since a child, and it's been a constant tug of war since. And the threads that I've been hanging on to that kept me going are get thinner every year.

On top of that, the main reason I haven't so far is because I didn't want to follow in my father's footsteps (he shot himself when I was four).
I thought it was my duty to do better, and to "Avenge" his death if I found out why he did it, and because I thought it wrecked my mother when he did it, and I didn't want to do that to her. But then I just learned in 2016 that she was the main cause of his reason, and that she wrecked him, and feels no remorse, even after I called out her lies all those years when I found the proof. I wonder if I struggled all these years in vain.

 

[booray]

Sometimes I think that if I won the lottery and suddenly had no money worries, then life might be worth living again. I probably wouldn't be having panic attacks all the time anymore and I would be free from this constant anxiety. Hell, I'd even give most of the money away to charities that were near and dear to me so that I could feel good about myself again after having ruined my life and my career by using drugs. After all, how much money does one really need to live a good life?

 

[Neowise]

Yes.

The first time I talked about killing myself was when I was 8 or 9 years old (now 25). I think it is in my genes or something.

 

[GoneGirl]

I think so. I hate all the cruelty and injustice (& all other bad things) in the world.

Just thinking about starving children, abuse, human rights violations etc. make me want to kill myself.

I would try to help end suffering but feel like I've tried my best in my little corner of life & failed miserably. & I'm now of the view that even if I dedicated my ENTIRE life to helping others it would be a small drop in a very big ocean.

I'm also bipolar so think that my lows will always involve suicidal feelings. I've also been suicidal since 12 and I'm in my late 20s now.

 

[oneanonymous]

I believe so, yes. I think this is one part of me that no amount of therapy could ever change.

Part of that is because I think suicide simply makes sense and really can be for the best. It's nature's way of giving people who can't function normally for whatever reason a self-destruct button so we don't pass on our shitty genes to the next generation or take up valuable resources from the healthy. Sometimes I think we become too self-aware for our own good, and if the circumstances in a person's life is less than desirable (poor, miserable job, mental/physical illness), it makes it even more difficult to accept.

But also, my mood shifts so dramatically and even the slightest bit of criticism can make me want to kill myself. So even if I overcome a lot of my problems, living comfortably with a good job, the smallest thing can come up and wipe me out. I think it's just part of who I am and since I don't fear death and don't think suicide is wrong, I don't think I can ever convince myself it's simply not an option like most normal people.

 

[WornOutLife]

I believe so, yes. I think this is one part of me that no amount of therapy could ever change.

Part of that is because I think suicide simply makes sense and really can be for the best. It's nature's way of giving people who can't function normally for whatever reason a self-destruct button so we don't pass on our shitty genes to the next generation or take up valuable resources from the healthy. Sometimes I think we become too self-aware for our own good, and if the circumstances in a person's life is less than desirable (poor, miserable job, mental/physical illness), it makes it even more difficult to accept.

But also, my mood shifts so dramatically and even the slightest bit of criticism can make me want to kill myself. So even if I overcome a lot of my problems, living comfortably with a good job, the smallest thing can come up and wipe me out. I think it's just part of who I am and since I don't fear death and don't think suicide is wrong, I don't think I can ever convince myself it's simply not an option like most normal people.

I SO understand you, dear.
My mood is changing constantly. I'm supposed to have bipolar disorder. Hate this!
What's more, I'm trying my best to keep on living now but it's hell.

Also, just like you, I don't fear death. I just fear the pain.

 

[the_final_countdown]

I'd like to be happy.

I don't know how such a thing would be possible.

I feel like a bird, trapped in a cage.

I don't want to experience misery for the next decades of my life.

I don't know how I will live. I really don't. I don't know how to do it.

 

[Meditation guide]

I hate society for making it so difficult to ctb. You would think people would catch on that if people are jumping in front of trains, hanging themselves, shooting themselves etc. it would make sense to give them a more humane way out.

 

[Bigpink]

It's really just a matter of time for me. Continued existence is pointless

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

If you're asking this question in the context of "anything goes" then no, I wouldn't be suicidal if I had money, my health, and a partner. However, suicide would always be an option in case shit hits the fan again.

If you're asking in the context of what's a realistic outcome for my life which is poverty, disability, and loneliness then yeah I will always be actively suicidal. "Recovering" by having things marginally less shitty will not give me a will to live.

The way you phrased the question put me off so I answered in both ways.

 

[notreallynow]

Yes. Can't have the thing I want, can't learn to cope without it.
Fucking loathe every single piece of therapy-esqe bullshit.
'Keep moving forward!' 'One day at a time!'
OK but where am I moving forward TO? I'm gonna fucking die at the end of it anyway. It's not a fucking marathon. You don;t get a fucking prize for dying of 'natural' causes alone in a bedsit. I haven't made any progress. I'm not even depressed. I just can't feel love. That's all. can't do shit about that. Too extroverted to live alone. Fuck fuck that. One day at a time.. what utter bullshit. The only thing that will change, the people who do care for me, the one person who does, will die. So I will get to die totally unloved, instead of almost unloved. I guess my dead body will be uglier and that will make people feel better (aww, I could have fucked that!) I guess that's what they really mean. Turn into a withered, addicted, mess of a human being, make sure everything normal about you fades away and dies, so people can shrug and go, ah well, at least they;re at peace now. No lingering regrets for them. Fuck that.
God, soon, it has got to be fucking soon, I can;t fucking take this. Fuck, it's been over for so fucking long, what the fuck am I doing here

 

[nowhere2befound]

If you are talking material things then hell no, i will kill myself i promised it to myself and that's it

 

[watchingthewheels]

Yes. Can't have the thing I want, can't learn to cope without it.
Fucking loathe every single piece of therapy-esqe bullshit.
'Keep moving forward!' 'One day at a time!'
OK but where am I moving forward TO? I'm gonna fucking die at the end of it anyway. It's not a fucking marathon. You don;t get a fucking prize for dying of 'natural' causes alone in a bedsit. I haven't made any progress. I'm not even depressed. I just can't feel love. That's all. can't do shit about that. Too extroverted to live alone. Fuck fuck that. One day at a time.. what utter bullshit. The only thing that will change, the people who do care for me, the one person who does, will die. So I will get to die totally unloved, instead of almost unloved. I guess my dead body will be uglier and that will make people feel better (aww, I could have fucked that!) I guess that's what they really mean. Turn into a withered, addicted, mess of a human being, make sure everything normal about you fades away and dies, so people can shrug and go, ah well, at least they;re at peace now. No lingering regrets for them. Fuck that.
God, soon, it has got to be fucking soon, I can;t fucking take this. Fuck, it's been over for so fucking long, what the fuck am I doing here

"But where am I moving forward TO?"
Reminds me of Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":

"I've got wild, staring eyes/
And I've got a strong urge to fly/
But I've got nowhere to fly to.../"

 

[paininme]

I feel so selfish on the outside looking in I have everything you could want love,friends,money, looks etc but since my teens I have been suicidal it comes and goes in waves I think it will always be there but I still find beauty in life so I don't know if I will ever act on it I think if I do it will be impulsive on those nights where the mind takes control in a dark hole