Will I ever be sure?

[amarillo]

I've had suicidal thoughts for almost half my life, and about five years ago it went from passive to mostly active ideation. Still, it has never come to the point where I was absolutely 100% sure I was going to end my life. I'm really bad at making decisions in general, so deciding between life and death is a hellish task for me. But as long as I don't choose, I'm indirectly choosing to live.

It's been going on like this for over five years and even though I've had some happy moments in those years, they are far outweighed by the general shittiness of my life. If I died now, I might as well have died five years ago or longer, that would have saved me a lot of suffering. But even on here, I believe most people are of the opinion that one shouldn't ctb unless they are completely sure that is the right choice for them.

But what if I'm never going to be completely sure? There is zero indication that life is ever going to get any better, and I'm tired of only half-living and going through weeks or months of feeling like utter shit only to experience one good day and then do it all over again.

Anyone recognise this? Opinions?

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

When it comes to evaluating other people's opportunities and possible courses of action everyone tends to severely overestimate the actual effect, capacity and motivation (whilst simultaneously ignoring factors like pain and risk of failure). When it comes time for themselves to make any change, however, then there's barely any use in doing anything. That's why everyone wants everyone else to try 1000 things before dying but also wants people to understand their own predicament and why they are suicidal in full without invalidation.

 

[booray]

I recognize this for sure OP. I truly do not want to live anymore, yet I keep hanging on, not because I think that things are going to get better, because I know that they won't. I don't even have any good days anymore, that's how anhedonic I am. Yet I don't take any steps to kill myself either. It's an awful place to be stuck in.

 

[signifying nothing]

I try not to think about it intellectually too much anymore. I'm hoping there will come a time when it will just feel like the right thing to do, what I'm supposed to do, the only thing really left for me to do - and that feeling will enable me to go through with it.

 

[Lmd]

I've had suicidal thoughts for almost half my life, and about five years ago it went from passive to mostly active ideation. Still, it has never come to the point where I was absolutely 100% sure I was going to end my life. I'm really bad at making decisions in general, so deciding between life and death is a hellish task for me. But as long as I don't choose, I'm indirectly choosing to live.

It's been going on like this for over five years and even though I've had some happy moments in those years, they are far outweighed by the general shittiness of my life. If I died now, I might as well have died five years ago or longer, that would have saved me a lot of suffering. But even on here, I believe most people are of the opinion that one shouldn't ctb unless they are completely sure that is the right choice for them.

But what if I'm never going to be completely sure? There is zero indication that life is ever going to get any better, and I'm tired of only half-living and going through weeks or months of feeling like utter shit only to experience one good day and then do it all over again.

Anyone recognise this? Opinions?

I've been suicidal for almost my entire life and when I think of it makes me more depressed. Sometimes it feels like an adolescent stage that never ends and while I'm fighting myself inside, life still goes on and I have to take care of myself. I'm so mentally drained that sometimes common tasks are almost imposible and problems are getting more serious and difficult to solve as time goes by.

Without help and unable to move by my own I'm trying to don't fuck what I already have but I'm always going to bed with the same feeling that nothing changes and what's the reason why I suffer so much if I have the entire SN kit in the closet?. I don't even know why I'm still trying to be alive when I can choose a peaceful death right now and It's because I don't have any actual reason to give up. I can still live another day so here I am typing even when the void is still inside.

So that's like what you said. As long that you aren't making any decision you are still breathing so at least try to don't fuck even more your situation because there are times when we get carried away by the thoughts of "I'm going to do it" and in the end we do nothing and we have screwed everything up even more with decisions we could avoid.

 

[fred farkle]

I recognize this for sure OP. I truly do not want to live anymore, yet I keep hanging on, not because I think that things are going to get better, because I know that they won't. I don't even have any good days anymore, that's how anhedonic I am. Yet I don't take any steps to kill myself either. It's an awful place to be stuck in.

a lot of us are stuck there!

 

[IHaveNoName]

I recognize this, I've been suicidal since I was 8 and have failed CBT a few times. I felt like I was 100% sure at times sometimes for months at a time but right now I'm kind of 50/50 but maybe I was never really 100% sure because I'm still here.

If I died now, I might as well have died five years ago or longer, that would have saved me a lot of suffering.

I've thought this exact thing many times and sometimes go months without talking to anyone, I'm self employed and work online so I can get away with not talking to anyone most of the time.

I think something that has been helping me more recently is trying to forget my past bad decisions and trying to focus on the future although it's hard to have any motivation sometimes because it all seems so pointless.

 

[Viov]

The passive choice to live... been deliberating it a lot lately. Other than lockdown I am trying to figure out what's stopping me. And will I go once lockdown is lifted? Would I send my goodbye letters to those who they are intended for, which to me then means there is no way out but to go through with it as otherwise its just attention seeking... or would I leave them to be found, in case anything doesn't go to plan in which case at least nobody would know as I could just put them away again?

 

[Wandering_Fox]

Nobody should tell you that suicide is right for you. But I can suggest is that you try everything in your power to get better and see what happens. Try self development, eating right, exercise, medication, and if all else fails then that should give you reason to move on to the next phase. Hope you find peace.

 

[929er]

i definitely feel this way. been actively trying to get myself to do it for years (since like age 14) and haven't managed to do it due to indecisiveness. every time I've tried it has failed. and today that i was as ready as ever, had all things i needed, had the whole day alone and was already setting everything up, i find out I don't have enough material to go through effectively. :) I'm seriously fed up. i feel like soon I'll be able to finally do it, but i still worry i might succumb to SI.

I'm still contemplating right now wether i should try anyways or if i should just get enough material and try again next time i can come here and be alone.

 

[booray]

i feel like soon I'll be able to finally do it, but i still worry i might succumb to SI.

You do realize the irony in this statement, in that "succumb" means to die?

 

[Marktheghost]

I've been sure I want to die for 23 years; then when I finally found a reliable method, I felt unsure, and more than 3 months later I still haven't gone through with it, and I can't work out what's holding me back. So I can relate.

 

[929er]

You do realize the irony in this statement, in that "succumb" means to die?

i meant to say "give in to SI" but my dumbass automatically wrote succumb which i thought was funny so i just left it like that. hhh.

 

[Carrotcake]

I think it's a cruel symptom of depression, being so passive and indecisive that you can't control your own behavior or decisions. And thus can't control your life, or the ending of it.

I know I shouldn't be, but sometimes I'm a bit jealous of the disorders that allow for moments of high energy, rash decision making and activity. I know it's a stupid thought. But if just had 1 ounce of energy in my body I could take control of my actions and just end the endless suffering.

 

[Lucien]

I think it's a cruel symptom of depression, being so passive and indecisive that you can't control your own behavior or decisions. And thus can't control your life, or the ending of it.

I know I shouldn't be, but sometimes I'm a bit jealous of the disorders that allow for moments of high energy, rash decision making and activity. I know it's a stupid thought. But if just had 1 ounce of energy in my body I could take control of my actions and just end the endless suffering.

Those disorders and accompanying decisions result in more botched attempts and crippling injuries than anything. But it's nice to daydream about a loophole in the 'suffering attracts suffering' mechanism.

 

[amarillo]

I think it's a cruel symptom of depression, being so passive and indecisive that you can't control your own behavior or decisions. And thus can't control your life, or the ending of it.

I know I shouldn't be, but sometimes I'm a bit jealous of the disorders that allow for moments of high energy, rash decision making and activity. I know it's a stupid thought. But if just had 1 ounce of energy in my body I could take control of my actions and just end the endless suffering.

I feel this. My mum is bipolar but of course I only inherited the lows. Thanks mum.

(For the record: this is a joke, I don't actually wish I had bipolar disorder.)

 

[muffin222]

I do believe that if/when the time comes for you, you will feel a sense of calm, peace, and certitude in your decision.

 

[Carrotcake]

Those disorders and accompanying decisions result in more botched attempts and crippling injuries than anything. But it's nice to daydream about a loophole in the 'suffering attracts suffering' mechanism.

I'm sorry, I know it's an awful thing to say and I know it's irrational. But I'm kind of losing my mind over here so the irrational thoughts just keep coming.

 

[Lucien]

I'm sorry, I know it's an awful thing to say and I know it's irrational. But I'm kind of losing my mind over here so the irrational thoughts just keep coming.

I never thought it was malicious in the first place.