Discussion Will finding love save you from ctb?

[depthss]

not at all. if anything, i think it would push me over the edge right away. even just friendships make me feel stressed out, so they never last long. i cant imagine how much id hate a romantic relationship

 

[Musiclover338]

in the past before i gave myself brain damage yes but now it seems impossible since i gave myself brain damage with a failed attempt

 

[mango-meridian]

Not romantic love, but unconditional parental love.

I used to fantasize about an older adult, sometimes it was a teacher, a nice neighbour, whatever, seeing what was happening with my parents and taking me under their wing. Seeing the best parts of me, cherishing me, believing in me with all their heart.

They wouldn't even necessarily need to adopt me, but the idea that this person would always be there and listen to me non-judgementally and no matter what I do in life they wouldn't look down on me or call me names, they would just see me and know I was doing my best and give me a hug and words of wisdom.

I think of them being like a therapist-type, someone older, wiser, who would care about me and care about my life and really. Believe in me. Not treat me like a burden. Value my company and the things I have to say. Be endlessly patient with me.

It's so sad to think about it. I just really want someone to tell me I'm a good person and validate my pain and re-parent me essentially. I don't want it to be romantic because that's transactional; I would need to offer romance back.

I just wish so badly to be loved the way I deserved as a kid. And I think that's the only thing that would really truly stop me from CTB. And maybe I'm meant to offer that to myself but I don't know how. This is so painful.

Wowww I used to fantasize about the same thing. Like I wanted one of my teachers at school to take me under their wing, take me to do fun things I actually wanted to do, listen to me, see me, etc.

Now in my adult life this manifests as me having almost exclusively friends who are a lot older than me, because I guess it helps fill that void a little. It's a little weird but I guess there's nothing wrong with it.

 

[Mastershakeme]

Sometimes, I feel really bad for my bf. He says he loves me and he's not giving up on me, and when he says these things all I think is "That's not good enough. I still wanna die." he would be so much better off without me

 

[ILikeJollybee]

I'm not sure to be honest, being in a relationship sounds exhausting and being around people at all makes me incredibly anxious. I have crushes but I'm too scared to approach any of them \:

 

[__dystop1a__]

No. Love it's what started making me want to die. And it's what it will kill me eventually, hoping very soon.

 

[mint]

I've been in a committed relationship for five years and I still want to kill my stupid fucking self every day of my stupid fucking life.

 

[nattys5thtoenail]

You can only save yourself, relying on external validation is unhealthy in the long-term. But finding love can aid as a reason for wanting to improve your mental state, and your loved ones supporting you is also a factor in recovery.

TLDR; it's not a guarantee that a partner will "save" you but it would help a lot if you want to recover, however please refrain from using them as an emotional garbage dump and maintain healthy boundaries !!

 

[BornByGhosts]

yes, we can tell each other nonstop that life is worth living, while exchanging a slew of other pleasant lies

 

[grungy自殺]

If i have to be completely honest, without sounding like a numb nihilist for once (and this might be a long one)


Yes...


But..


It's something.. that should've been done a long time ago..


Something that should've come to me..


And it would've been done during a time when i was still a child, a teenager navigating life as many would should, because it's a point in life where you're supposed to be hanging out and act all mischief, go ape shit to wreck havoc on everything

You're meant to be carefree and you would just barely worry about life a single bit upon the people you were with

It was so hard to fathom this, so hard, as i kept getting mood swings through my period of being in compulsory education

And the amount of times, I've talked to myself thinking that it'll be better. It's just a false comfort to know that literally nothing at this point will actually be better

And it hurts on the fact that before I thought everything is gonna up hill

It was too late and the teenage period has ended for majority of everyone my age

And I hardly didn't get a huge dose of it

I couldn't stand being around there and everybody around me barely knows what's going on with me and think I'm crazy

And i thought that those that were part of the school class would all have an equal footing to getting a chance to be part of the identity of our history as beings that made a difference in school

But unfortunately for me it wasn't the case

the problems that were brought upon me were not fixed and nobody didn't care who i was and who i am

my mental instability spiraled....


I was all alone that i've wished that someone would help me get through my struggles and help me to see other things that i couldn't do to see


High school was a time when it's everyone's peak of their happy lives that would transition to adulthood and many would say that it would be time that would make you the most alive


And during the first years of high school i literally had zero people to talk to and when i had someone that can make some level of conversation with me

It's always often someone that isn't well regarded in school (like weird ones that have eccentric personalities) and the ones that are normal (if you can even call them that) where some of the most judgmental pieces of shit ever that would poke fun and mess with you at you for any small thing that you would say (even a stutter that's just once) and do. And that just exemplified my social anxiety… My 11th grade year was nonexistent (because of covid 19 that happened at the time ) and my final year was more soft and i was somewhat more eased by the people i'm around with and I was more comfortable because there would be less people I would be dealing with personally
(which in hindsight it probably makes me worse to know that this time would've been for me at most the loneliest ever and i would consider it the worst years of my life) and when I felt tensed and eager to speak and hang out, I would just be with classmates that would clown around and would be the types that would make you at least be known to their presence albeit they wouldn't necessarily be the type of people that i say that i would call friends because i hardly speak with them seriously and they mostly just only need Those like me to Enable their antics

But I was still Hella depressed because I still can't be seen to being engaged with anybody that would at least give me a chance to speak and try to be the best person that i needed to be. like I was seriously in the direst of help to have a friend that would either be one that would be a role model to get me out of shell And I literally wished I hang out with those very people that I see in my school so that way I would've had a chance to get to know them better and finally open up to such casual times and speak about contemporary things Like life, And personal issues that we all have in it.

or a person that is a love interest ( a girlfriend) that would also help get through my social anxiety and awkwardness,
and the added reward with it is the affection that you would get if they're into you and would want you to be happy in checked

And it was the complete ultimatum that I have to have between the two

I highly desired the both of them that i wouldn't even mind have only one over the other

Because at least one of them would lead me to somewhere to a path that didn't made feel that i would be stagnated and regress to very undesirable states

Would at least appreciate the feeling of being around with someone that's at least there.. for you..

And unfortunately...... i didn't got either of them in the end

And has for someone that i wished that i was loved and rather wanted to be around with for the rest of life

They didn't care about me in end even though i've made efforts to speak them

I was completely ditched,thrown, denied...
But i guess... i was barely enough or rather.. i was never good enough

Much so that i think love for me would never save me anymore

And it would not prevent me from reconsidering ending it all

 

[folly_]

this is a tough one… i consider myself aromantic and have never really been at all interested in finding someone. i wish i could want something like that. i feel like ive been missing out on something but i can't help but feel disgusted at the thought of a romantic relationship. somehow if i did end up in that type of situation, i dont think it would fully stop me. maybe itd kickstart actually wanting to recover but i cant say for sure what i would do

 

[E.T]

fuck no. people are cruel.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's probably not that easy to answer this question but if "love" (that includes partnership, family and everything around it) is what you lack and, given the case, you find it this may help not to be suicidal anymore.

 

[ShadowedChaos]

The right and rare experience with someone perfect or someone who is right for me and things go right and it pushes me forward and helps me experience things with someone who thinks similarly or someone who see things differently and have that true genuine connection that feels inseparable no matter feeling like your souls are intertwined and I could have peace and be with someone to experience things maybe but after the relationships I have been in I realistically see that probably won't ever happen in my life and even if it did the issues that sway me towards CTBing don't change and in the end idk I've spent years ever since I could remember so many times hearing the same things it gets better over and over again and I tried hoping it does I tried doing my own thing I tried forgetting I tried to always think it was going to end badly no matter what and every single action I take in life does not matter the cycle continues while I try to understand myself and everything around me and after searching for who I was I still find though it may change that I've been here to just learn and try to experience and now I'm just wandering a random path I set out on at some point I never knew what would happen or maybe I did but I hope that things would drastically change and I could move on live a perfect exciting life out of the normal mainstream idea of what life is supposed to be and that would be amazing to live with someone who can understand and maybe that would change things and even with all my overthinking I can't predict that part of my future but for now I'll probably end up ctbing when I'm able and things align correctly I just want peace or an escape however that may come

 

[uglyugly]

Finding love is impossible, IMO. I envy people who have.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I don't want anything to delay me from killing myself.

To me nothing matters except avoiding suffering, pain problems and suiciding asap

I don't need nor want the love addiction.

The mind is everything what you think you become

Also why would I want to be emotionally dependent on another small animal ?

 

[Pryras]

No it encourages it

 

[futileflutters]

It helps until it doesn't.

I found love and uprooted my life to move across a continent to a different country for it. It was great and after awhile for the first time in my life I started to have hopes and dreams for the future. I still knew eventually I'd probably kill myself, but it felt a bit more distant. I could almost see myself making it to my 30s and that is something I never had before then.
Eventually my partner started getting too flirty with some people, one primarily, right in front of me. I sat there and listened to it for months, cause I trusted my partner right? I was just paranoid? Eventually I couldn't keep quiet about how it made me uncomfortable and we had a few talks about it. In the moment, I didn't think anything was really going on outside of the flirtation but they took the talks strangely seriously, but only during. Within a week the flirting picked right back up. Anyways long story short they were cheating on me for months.
I've never felt my heart get simultaneously crushed and torn to shreds at the same time like that. I thought I was going to end it but I couldn't do anything but cry and scream into my pillows. Pathetic as it is, we're still together. I'm too weak to be alone again.

TLDR: Found love and was really happy, resulted in the worst pain I've ever felt. Maybe it'll work better for others, but I know I ended up right back here where I was before. I'm worse for wear because of love, my paranoia about everything and everyone returned stronger than ever. I failed out of college (again). Anxiety? back like never before; I can barely step outside my living space. I can barely mutter 2 words to our housemate and have to scurry back to the bedroom anytime they enter a common space.

Best of luck to those who find love and can find enough happiness in it to keep going.

 

[Sutter]

I know many people regardless of being in a romantic relationship still actively plan on ending it one day. It's something that can exist alongside love, lurking in the background no matter what.

But for me personally, if I had someone that truly did love me, despite all my failures & flaws, it would have a profound effect on me. To the point where it propel me straight into recovery, something that is currently impossible for me right now.

I'm not naive enough to think that it would instantly erase my depression or silence those thoughts overnight. I know the struggle wouldn't disappear. I would most likely still suffer from SI, at least initially, but I know in my heart that if someone did genuinely love me in such a manner and truly wanted me around, it would give me something to hold onto. Something to fight for. I would try my darnedest to get better and maybe, with enough time, enough patience, and love flowing both ways, I'd actually make it through.

Unfortunately for me, it's just another one of my maladaptive daydreams, a fantasy that my mind clings to when reality feels unbearable. I know deep down that no one could love someone like me. I've made too many mistakes, and it's too late for me. Maybe it always was haha.

Not a daydream.

I had a great love for 25 years. In alot of ways she saved me and me her. In the beginning there is some infatuation, always will be just how we were built. After that comes a loss of self, its not just you, not just what you want, but another. Thats hard for some people to get through. Then for a bit there is a little jealousy, the deep coals are burning now and they dont want to lose you. Then complete trust without worry and a settling. I never tired of my wife in any way. What you wrote I know is true, I lived it for awhile.

Where I went wrong was trauma, my own. After being beat, emotionally abandoned by my Mum, gf dieing, friends dieing, closer family member dieing, and of all things my dog dieing, I couldnt bury it far enough. I never had it handled, in some whacked out honey badger way I got by but I never really dealt with it….in a constructive way. Never hit my wife or kids and didnt break crap. Straight up I got angry one day, all of this coming back to haunt me. My wife saw that anger and she got scared. I scared the most important person in my life. We had fights sometimes, we have said hurtful things we have both grown, apologized, and forgiven over. My wife has trauma of her own, father induced. When I got angry she triggered her fear of her father. There is no one to blame but me. Still feeling my lungs sit heavy knowing I killed my own heart.

Some things are unforgivable. If you find a great love please do not forget that love, dont back burner it. Put it front and center with all the love and compassion you can muster. It may be crushing to not have a love like that right now but if you had it and lose it. You will find you dont have enough lives to pay that back in death or life.

Will never be able to really let you know how much anyone here that wanted to be loved and love in return experiences that at least once in their lives.

To a life or death being interrupted once by love before being asleeptoolong.

How do people handle romantic relationships with severe mental illness?

Love doesnt give a dam, it just is until it isnt or a last breath is drawn.

 

[lnlybnny]

This love thing is a very complicated and complex one for me. To put it simply: if I could be loved by the right person (which is utopic in my case since I always want someone "unreachable" and despise everyone around me) then I guess yes, absolutely

 

[Ww42]

Nope. Got a fiance who im just destroying because of my depression. We dont go on fun dates or nothing because I lay around and sleep all day when not working. My death will set her free from the trap that was my love. Im truly sorry for ever coming into her life, she deserved someone much better

 

[PuppyCatTeeth]

I can't speak for myself, I think I'm just a little fucked in the head because my lover adores everything about me, including every flaw or insecurity of mine and I am his world, but I still want to CTB. My SI has significantly lessened, but things like my SH, ED, depression, anxiety etc etc haven't gotten any better, and in the end I would like to leave this world by my own terms. I would prefer to be in control of my own death rather then have some uncontrollable factor end it.

My partner on the other hand, he is facing a completely different situation. He was going to CTB before he met me, he had everything planned, his like, profound love for me saved himself. We were just friends for six months before getting together, and even at that stage he didn't have to know I loved him for him to be saved. He just needed to love me? Which in itself is so admirable..

In the end I believe that being loved is an incredibly strong deciding factor that may save people, but I don't think it can or would stop everyone from CTB. Many aren't fortunate enough to find the one for them who will love them unconditionally, but maybe, I think loving something or someone could lead to enough love and passion in where you can eventually save or heal yourself.

I wish this too, i wish i had someone to unconditionally love me and care for me. Most people don't deserve to have children