Why !?

[Otto]

Why I keep trying , hoping things will improve just a little bit only for them to get worse each second of every day .I honestly can't cope anymore .all life does no matter what I do is kick me down some more.

 

[Rachel74]

I'm feeling the same Otto! Only so much fight left in me and I'm fading fast. Sending hugs

 

[Otto]

Sorry you feel that was also .I honestly feel like I've nothing left in me and there is nothing left to try ,I've had everything that's been offered to me and grabbed it with both hands hoping I could find just a bit of hope but everything just keeps getting worse and I can't face it

 

[Hadenuf]

I think why me every waking minute and think about ctb. Which will be devastating to my family but I am unable to control my thoughts

 

[WhiteDespair]

Why I keep trying , hoping things will improve just a little bit only for them to get worse each second of every day .I honestly can't cope anymore .all life does no matter what I do is kick me down some more.

Condolences. External, objective sources can help you get a better picture of what's really going on. Many times I can't make an adequate determination because I tend to underestimate myself and my abilities. If you don't have anyone who fits that role you can try to document what you've done day by day. You might find some improvement.

I'm asking the same question in a different way. Everytime I make an improvement I fall into a rage/depressive state because I could have been this way years ago if people had been there for me and if the same people built me up insteas of crushing me down. I'm at least a decade behind in most areas and this makes me wonder if it would be worth it to put in the effort as the lost time means diminished results.

I know and partially understand that "I could have been" can be changed to "I can be" and that, from this point on, I am in control of my life and my actions determine where and how far I go.

Yet, is it worth it? Am I so far behind that it's inconsequential to attempt?

I turned to the black hope of CtB. No matter what, I know I can always put down the pen or redeem my ticket. This made me much happier and calmer.

Best wishes.