Venting Why won't my mental illness disappear?

[yuri77]

I got back together with my partner and I love them so so much I feel extremely guilty for still being suicidal. I still want to kill myself and I am so selfish for dating them, I'll traumatize so many people and ruin everything. Why can't those thoughts go away if I am in a happy relationship? I'm struggling to think of a future for myself and feel hope again, I genuinely can't do it. I am too mentally ill, I have too many problems, It'll never work. I wish I was normal.

 

[Lamentice]

You sound really young, I don't mean to be dismissive, but the pedestal you're putting a romantic relationship on & the hyper-self-loathing all come off as someone who just hasn't gained perspective.

This is quite the expectation to have for a romantic relationship, but no, it's not realistic.

 

[yuri77]

You sound really young, I don't mean to be dismissive, but the pedestal you're putting a romantic relationship on & the hyper-self-loathing all come off as someone who just hasn't gained perspective.

This is quite the expectation to have for a romantic relationship, but no, it's not realistic.

I'm almost 20

 

[Lamentice]

I'm almost 20

So very young.

 

[yuri77]

So very young.

I guess ??? Doesn't change the fact that I've been dealing with mental illness since I was 5

 

[Nolongerlive]

I guess ??? Doesn't change the fact that I've been dealing with mental illness since I was 5

I think you have much better potential to recover , or rather from what i see, you are on the recovery road.

The fact you are young, is your strong point. You have better energy and vitality to resist and fight the mental torture.
Also, you are into a relationship which you claimed you are happy (i guess you are worry that it will fail due to your illness)

Tell yourself, you already been through the worst ( since young ) . What could go more wrong ? Even if the relationship failed, you have tried and you have gained love relationship experiences. You can started another better one .

Life is a struggle. We worry, we hesitate , we feel miserable....but.....Just go for it.

 

[Lamentice]

I guess ??? Doesn't change the fact that I've been dealing with mental illness since I was 5

It wasn't to say that you can't have been struggling for a long time, but that there is perspective lacking about romantic relationships. Being single is not why you're feeling the way you do, which is also why it doesn't go away when you have a partner. Believing--or hoping--that a romantic relationship will be everything you need to feel fulfilled, secure, and happy is going to bring you a lot of confusing disappointment and compacted turmoil and likely extra trauma, because usually this sort of codependent predisposition also exposes you to a lot of bad actors preying on vulnerability.

 

[fadedghost]

I got back together with my partner and I love them so so much I feel extremely guilty for still being suicidal. I still want to kill myself and I am so selfish for dating them, I'll traumatize so many people and ruin everything. Why can't those thoughts go away if I am in a happy relationship? I'm struggling to think of a future for myself and feel hope again, I genuinely can't do it. I am too mentally ill, I have too many problems, It'll never work. I wish I was normal.

Sorry you are feeling this way. Have you tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy?

 

[yuri77]

Sorry you are feeling this way. Have you tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy?

I've never been to therapy before I struggle with self harm a lot though

 

[fadedghost]

I've never been to therapy before I struggle with self harm a lot though

Oh you should check out Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It's specifically for people who self-harm and to reduce self-harm. Try to find a group class and do it. It was created by this woman named Marsha Linehan.

 

[yuri77]

It wasn't to say that you can't have been struggling for a long time, but that there is perspective lacking about romantic relationships. Being single is not why you're feeling the way you do, which is also why it doesn't go away when you have a partner. Believing--or hoping--that a romantic relationship will be everything you need to feel fulfilled, secure, and happy is going to bring you a lot of confusing disappointment and compacted turmoil and likely extra trauma, because usually this sort of codependent predisposition also exposes you to a lot of bad actors preying on vulnerability.

I know it wouldn't fix every problem I have so I'm just disappointed at myself for still wanting to die, I'm trying to be more independent.

 

[fadedghost]

So DBT helps people who struggle with really intense emotions. I think you should research it and consider trying DBT before trying the partial stuff. It sounds like a lot of your issues are intrusive thoughts and intense emotions. DBT could help with things. It's worth looking into, really.

 

[yuri77]

I think you have much better potential to recover , or rather from what i see, you are on the recovery road.

The fact you are young, is your strong point. You have better energy and vitality to resist and fight the mental torture.
Also, you are into a relationship which you claimed you are happy (i guess you are worry that it will fail due to your illness)

Tell yourself, you already been through the worst ( since young ) . What could go more wrong ? Even if the relationship failed, you have tried and you have gained love relationship experiences. You can started another better one .

Life is a struggle. We worry, we hesitate , we feel miserable....but.....Just go for it.

Thank you for your comment, I was going to commit suicide 15-20 days ago. I had a plan and everything and it failed when I got back together with my partner, it's very hard for me to adjust now because I was so sure I would die and that I was unloved. Nothing really feels real. My teenage years were the worst but my mental health didn't get better when I became an adult. I want to recover but I am also tired of hoping.

So DBT helps people who struggle with really intense emotions. I think you should research it and consider trying DBT before trying the partial stuff. It sounds like a lot of your issues are intrusive thoughts and intense emotions. DBT could help with things. It's worth looking into, really.

I will check it out thank you I hope I can go to therapy one day if I don't kill myself.

 

[Jamesun]

I got back together with my partner and I love them so so much I feel extremely guilty for still being suicidal. I still want to kill myself and I am so selfish for dating them, I'll traumatize so many people and ruin everything. Why can't those thoughts go away if I am in a happy relationship? I'm struggling to think of a future for myself and feel hope again, I genuinely can't do it. I am too mentally ill, I have too many problems, It'll never work. I wish I was normal.

I completely understand you, I've been feeling the same lately. I don't see a future for myself either, and I feel so bad about my mental health issues. It hurts to think about it, and whether I'll hurt her or be selfish.

 

[Nolongerlive]

Thank you for your comment, I was going to commit suicide 15-20 days ago. I had a plan and everything and it failed when I got back together with my partner, it's very hard for me to adjust now because I was so sure I would die and that I was unloved. Nothing really feels real. My teenage years were the worst but my mental health didn't get better when I became an adult. I want to recover but I am also tired of hoping.

I will check it out thank you I hope I can go to therapy one day if I don't kill myself.

Keep up the spirit. Hold on tight !

What a fxcking damn world /life we facing huh ?