Venting Why was I even born!?!?

[JustovertheBS]

I wish I knew! I'm nothing! I look in the mirror and see ugly, even tho I'm told how beautiful I am all the time. I don't feel pretty. Never have. I'm the ugliest person alive! I've been hurting for so long. My son died accidentally and I've been a shell of a person since it happened. I hate this fn world. The unfairness of every damn thing. I dont find joy in anything. I'm just living...(breathing) yet dead inside. Literally a dead soul. Who can I even talk to? Only this place offers me a chance to get this shit out. You guys dont judge me. Thank you for that.
I want to be dead and gone. The end of me for good. I have no reason to be here. None. Life is bullshit. Repetitious bs! It will never be any different...never get easier to be here. Just existing, with no real purpose. What's the point? Wake up and do the same identical thing I did yesterday. I'm worthless!!!!! I have no purpose at all. I long to be with my son again. He understood me. Was my only real friend. People have wanted my life. Told me how blessed I am. To have a beautiful home, car, material shit. And then there's the "wanting my looks"...ha!!!! I wish they really knew how ugly I truly am. This face hides so much pain. How can they not see it???? To be labeled as a beauty, but to feel the opposite is quite funny actually. Take this face, body, all of it!!! Please! I just want to be happy. That will never be. Wtf IS happy? I walk around in a world full of idiots. They all think differently than i do. They don't get how stupid it is to even be here. Born to die. Lol. That's it. Work until death. Why wait? F it all! Venting today. I'm sorry. Just scroll past me and my rant. Grief has done this to me.

 

[Existingnotliving]

So sorry for the loss of your son, I know my words won't help. I know this all too well. I have no words to help you unfortunately but maybe just a bit of comfort that I agree with every word you said ❤

 

[JustovertheBS]

Thank you.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

This isn't a story to "fix" you.

I had a close friend who was stunningly gorgeous. Drew attention wherever she went -- men instantly wanted her, women instantly hated her.

She hated how she looked. Knew how to look good and work every asset to her advantage, but she spent as little time in front of the mirror as possible, and hated having her picture taken.

She wanted to be with others, but she hated being seen.

I can only imagine how difficult that must be, to be seen and not want to be. We have no choice in this. But even worse, to not be seen as you see yourself, and told you are otherwise.

I'm sorry you experience anything like this. It must be such a challenge. I can't fix it, and probably others want to fix it. I have empathy and compassion. I care that you experience what you do. I acknowledge you. I don't negate your experience. I send a hug or whatever would bring a sense of okayness or comfort if you don't like hugs.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Relate to the general self hatred. I feel angry and disgusted when I think of myself.

 

[Sinai Silence]

I am so sorry you lost your son, the amount of pain you must feel must be immeasurable. There's nothing I could say to ease that pain, I'm glad you have found some comfort from writing here.

It is insensitive for people to assume that you're living a wonderful life when they take a five second impression from you. This kind of attitude in life is so dangerous and nonsensical. I think it stems a lot from social media and celebrity culture, people assume what they see at face value is the entire picture.

We see it time and time again where people who are seen as 'perfect' can't handle keeping up the facade that they were placed in by others. People lose their minds when the pedestal that they put these people on breaks and all they are left with is another human being with flaws and feelings like everyone else. People who associate material wealth with quality of life are naive.

I relate a lot to what you said about self image and life. I don't find any value in other people's opinions or assumptions about me, I know me and can identify who I really am. No one can change my mind on how I view myself.

Never feel like you should be sorry for venting on here. Your posts are always appreciated here.