Story Why the fuck my life is like a cheap soap opera?

[Severnayasemiramida]

Seems I have to ctb today. I have nothing to lose and nowhere to go.

When I got a heritage from my mother, I planned to spend all the money on booze, parties and other chilly shit. I was sure, I'd end it all when the money are over. They were over in March. I got kicked out from university, argued with dad badly, used to live in hotel for 2 month. No studying, no job, just drinking and having fun.

However, I met a guy in the Internet. He seemed to face the similar shit as I do. We used to get drunk together and just talk all the night long. His family had to leave the country because of the political reasons when he was a teenager. He lives and studies in London. The month before we met he had a suicide attempt because of his ex, and seemed to understand completely my life, my opinion and my future plans.

We decided to meet and chill for a week in Moscow. The first time we talked about it we were planning to leave universities, spend all of our money and finally speed up on the outer lane and die in the collision. However, he was becoming more and more happy partly because of me, got a new job, made up with parents and stopped planning his death.

He distantly struggled with me lots of fucked up shit envolving police, ER, my dad, my uni. I've turned my life into a terrible shit and it was okay for me. I was waiting him to come, to have fun together and than I don't know. Ctb.

We've finally met. Everything was wonderful till today. This morning he told me he had a cell call with my dad. My dad wants me to return to my shithole, fake some documents and get a chance to pass the exams. He really is interested in my education only. Dad wants me to return today. And what my bf did? Holy shit, he kicked me out and was ready to send me home.

We will have no chance to meet again till summer. We live in different countries. And he was really ready to refuse of our week because of my shitty uni and folks. I didn't expect this from him. He's twaddling he did it for our FUTURE, he disliked my plan to sell my apartment and wait till summer, called it suicidal. I know, I have no future so I wanted to be happy with him now.

I ran away. Again. Booked a cheap hotel, where they won't be able to find me. I have no money, it'd hardly be enough for 1 day. I have no friends or acquaintances here. I don't even know the city map. So I think I should get drunk and do what I should have be done till March.

 

[Help_Me]

Sounds familiar. My dad was always thinking of my marks at school only, i will hate him till the end of days. I am not kicked off my university yet, but i feel like it's gonna happen soon. Anyway, very sad story. Do you have any chance to resist your father's will ?

 

[Its time its time]

Go to the embassy. Ask for help. Go back home kiddo. You still have a good chance at life. Please don't waste it.

You have a family that loves you. Your dad sounds like an amazing guy. Even after all your drama.. he still wants you to succeed in life. I wish I had a dad like yours.

You seem like a young person. You've had your fun. You are sooo lucky to have a family to welcome you back. My dad would have disowned me.

 

[Severnayasemiramida]

So seems I should continue the story.

I was living in Moscow hotel for 3 days literally starving. I used to hardly find money to pay for the hotel and buy some bottles of cheap wine. I was thinking about drinking bleach, however, I was too chicken to really do it.

Finally I got drunk as usual, intentionally left my luggage, card, money and documents in the hotel room which had been not paid (and I had no more chance to enter it because of this) and went to the metro. I had to wait for nearly a hour cause there were too many people here, to ride a bit in order to find a proper station with no security or police and after a while I decided to go.

I was sure there were no staff and a few passers by were stuck in their phones. However I was wrong. When the train was almost here and I was waiting on the platform edge, one asshole suddenly pushed me off and called the security. I was caught by police. I had no money, no passport, no friends here, my phone was discharged and the police had a full power to arrest me. So some staff began shouting at me trying to force me to say my name and what I was doing here. Hopefully the next train arrived so I just kicked an old fat lady holding my arm and ran into the car.

I travelled to the last station. There were rather peaceful, but I decided to exit the metro despite of this fact. I called to the bf from the stranger's phone, explained the situation - I was in an unknown city ghetto with no money, phone and passport at 2 a.m. and had literally nowhere to go; but he just told me to fuck off. Than I called to friend but she was hundreds kilometers away with no money and couldn't help me anyway.

After this shit I got a free beer, patty, coffee and a car ride to the hotel from strangers. Don't be shocked, there are still no good people in Moscow streets at 2 am. All of these people thought I was a prostitute and offered me money for sex without any shame.
At 4 am I was in the hotel however I wasn't allowed even to take away my passport or a phone charger from my locked room. They were waiting for money. I didn't have any except some assholes in the lobby offering to pay for my hotel for sex. It was disgusting. My friend told her mum about it, friend's mum called my dad at 6 am and finally he gave me some money. However I still don't want to communicate with the person who ruined my relationship and didn't give a fuck to anything except my studies.

I went to bed at 6am but at the time from 7 to 11 a bunch of fucked up rude staff was always entering my room to wake me up and say some bullshit written on their pads. They didn't give a fuck to the "do not disturb sign" neither to my request do not enter the room until I have some sleep. Bitches. These assholes have also fucked me up with a huge fee because I had poured some red wine to the linens and smashed the bottle in my room. I didn't want to stay in this hell anymore and finally agreed to return home.

I had a flight to my shithole however I was not going to speak with dad. He hasn't done anything to help me. At least he could find some bydlo to get the shit beaten out from my ex - IMO he shouldn't stay unpunished for leaving me alone in these conditions. Now I'm living in a hotel (at least all the staff here know me, sometimes let me live on trust and would never wake me up at 8am) however my money would be over in 2 days.

Thanks to the one good person but I don't think his help will be enough for me to get over this shit.

 

[Its time its time]

My thoughts, please don't feel insulted. I'm going to be really frank.

You sound really young and confused.
Coming from a country where studies is the fine line between scrubbing plates or working a comfortable job - I understand where your dad is coming from. Nowadays, papers (education) is everything. It's a passport to life.. and it will only get tougher..

Your 'boyfriend' has abandoned you and left you to shit. While your dad has kept on trying to reunite with you - now that's UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Your father only wants what is best for you. Any parent wants to see their child succeed in life.
Now, if you don't agree with him - communicate with him. Find a way to get your feelings and aspirations across to him. Have a heart to heart talk with him.

You should really reevaluate your thoughts of wanting to end your life. Kiddo you got so much to live for, unlike many of us who have reached no points of return, suffering from illnesses or just are down in the scums.
However if you are bent on CTB, find the right method. Drinking bleach is VERY painful. You're going to suffer a lot. It's like drinking fire and feeling your internals simmer like a slow cooker. Chances are you'll call ER before you'd even pass out.
Jumping in front of the metro is also not the best method. Trains slow down when pulling into stations. So the train is not traveling at optimal speed. Chances are you'll survive with horrible injuries.

I suggest, take 2 steps back. Reevaluate your life. And then make your decision. I hope you choose to get your life back on track.
Cheers :)

 

[Severnayasemiramida]

@Its time its time sorry but you're horribly wrong. My dad has never gave a fuck to my life. He has just got annoyed with calls from my uni and angry tutors bothering him about where was I. He explained me it honestly. He just didn't want to be responsible for my behavior.

Just imagine, he was living with his lover since I was 16 and never was interested in me. However, it's rather obvious for him cause he knows this shit with his own experience that I would never agree to refuse of having a great time with boyfriend and return home because of the shithole uni I even haven't attended for at least 3 months.

I would claim as a person living in a country with no social mobility unless you have rich or powerful relatives - my degree would be a useless sheet of paper even if I finish the education. The only success I might reach is being a clerk with laughable salary having to work harder than a mule in case of being kicked out from shitty job. Get up at 6am every fucking day, having to go to the place I hate, do the work I hate and live the life I hate. So it was my planned decision to spend all of my money and ctb even though I didn't expect these relationship and breakup.

I know i'll struggle some kind of hell before I finally die. Yes, it was an impulsive decision to try to jump under the train but now I have a couple of days to make up my mind and plan something more convenient.

 

[Its time its time]

If your dad did not give a fuck -he would have just disowned you instead of trying to get back with you. So he does care - maybe in a way that you cannot comprehend or accept. This can be easily mitigated by communication and time.

Why not give life a shot. Why condemn it even before you have started. Complete your degree -and give it a shot. Life is full of opportunities. That's the beauty of it. It's not a 1 path road. Who knows.. you might even be sucessful or rich in future. If you condemn yourself before even starting - then it's yours and only your fault.

You're still young. Most prob around 18? There are tons of fish out in the sea. This boyfriend of yours is not the only one. Eventually you'll find another. It's life!

If you still insist on ending your life - I wish you all the best and hope that you find the suitable method.

 

[Severnayasemiramida]

@Its time its time you're right, i'm 18. Sorry for the mistakes, i'mdrunk.

Idk how to communicate with mu dad - we have never talked to each other and it's okay for out family not to trust and to be afraid of parents. Even my mum in her 40s was afraid of my grandma when she started communicating with her father who gave a divorce to my granny when my mum was a teen. I really do not trust him.

Have you read my posts properly? Do you know where am I from? There my degree will mean nothing unless I employ to the secretary job for an okay salary but which does include sex with the boss. I literally have no chance to be rich and successful. Moreover I have no money to pay for my hotel for tomorrow so I hope I won't chickn to jump

 

[Its time its time]

@Its time its time you're right, i'm 18. Sorry for the mistakes, i'mdrunk.

Idk how to communicate with mu dad - we have never talked to each other and it's okay for out family not to trust and to be afraid of parents. Even my mum in her 40s was afraid of my grandma when she started communicating with her father who gave a divorce to my granny when my mum was a teen. I really do not trust him.

Have you read my posts properly? Do you know where am I from? There my degree will mean nothing unless I employ to the secretary job for an okay salary but which does include sex with the boss. I literally have no chance to be rich and successful. Moreover I have no money to pay for my hotel for tomorrow so I hope I won't chickn to jump

I did not have a relationship with my dad for 20 years. Maybe 1 call a year during that period. Thankfully in his final few years before he took his own life, we managed to salvage for lost time.

There's no magic formula when it comes to communication. Sometimes it's as easy as losing the pride, an apology - sometimes it's as difficult as seeking counselling or making huge sacrifices. If you are determined - you'll find the right formula with your dad. Take baby steps. Don't expect a miracle overnight. For your case, I'd suggest an apology first and a sincere daughter's outreach for help.

Take things step by step. Don't condemn your future even before you have started it. Heck - you might strike the lottery, you might meet a rich handsome knight in shinning armor, you might land a dream job... My point is life is so unpredictable, so don't condemn yourself to a 'fixed' future even before you have played the game. To suicide at 18 is such a waste.

Hope you find the strength in whichever decision you make. Courage my girl! And best of luck :)

 

[Macc Lad]

Seems I have to ctb today. I have nothing to lose and nowhere to go.

When I got a heritage from my mother, I planned to spend all the money on booze, parties and other chilly shit. I was sure, I'd end it all when the money are over. They were over in March. I got kicked out from university, argued with dad badly, used to live in hotel for 2 month. No studying, no job, just drinking and having fun.

However, I met a guy in the Internet. He seemed to face the similar shit as I do. We used to get drunk together and just talk all the night long. His family had to leave the country because of the political reasons when he was a teenager. He lives and studies in London. The month before we met he had a suicide attempt because of his ex, and seemed to understand completely my life, my opinion and my future plans.

We decided to meet and chill for a week in Moscow. The first time we talked about it we were planning to leave universities, spend all of our money and finally speed up on the outer lane and die in the collision. However, he was becoming more and more happy partly because of me, got a new job, made up with parents and stopped planning his death.

He distantly struggled with me lots of fucked up shit envolving police, ER, my dad, my uni. I've turned my life into a terrible shit and it was okay for me. I was waiting him to come, to have fun together and than I don't know. Ctb.

We've finally met. Everything was wonderful till today. This morning he told me he had a cell call with my dad. My dad wants me to return to my shithole, fake some documents and get a chance to pass the exams. He really is interested in my education only. Dad wants me to return today. And what my bf did? Holy shit, he kicked me out and was ready to send me home.

We will have no chance to meet again till summer. We live in different countries. And he was really ready to refuse of our week because of my shitty uni and folks. I didn't expect this from him. He's twaddling he did it for our FUTURE, he disliked my plan to sell my apartment and wait till summer, called it suicidal. I know, I have no future so I wanted to be happy with him now.

I ran away. Again. Booked a cheap hotel, where they won't be able to find me. I have no money, it'd hardly be enough for 1 day. I have no friends or acquaintances here. I don't even know the city map. So I think I should get drunk and do what I should have be done till March.

as long as the soap opera ain't Eastenders , you'll be fine !!

 

[Severnayasemiramida]

I did not have a relationship with my dad for 20 years. Maybe 1 call a year during that period. Thankfully in his final few years before he took his own life, we managed to salvage for lost time.

There's no magic formula when it comes to communication. Sometimes it's as easy as losing the pride, an apology - sometimes it's as difficult as seeking counselling or making huge sacrifices. If you are determined - you'll find the right formula with your dad. Take baby steps. Don't expect a miracle overnight. For your case, I'd suggest an apology first and a sincere daughter's outreach for help.

Take things step by step. Don't condemn your future even before you have started it. Heck - you might strike the lottery, you might meet a rich handsome knight in shinning armor, you might land a dream job... My point is life is so unpredictable, so don't condemn yourself to a 'fixed' future even before you have played the game. To suicide at 18 is such a waste.

Hope you find the strength in whichever decision you make. Courage my girl! And best of luck :)

Read the topic "it what age I would like to have ctb" Nearly everyone said they would be glad to end it all in their 18-20 cause after that age they have only work tey hate, life they hate and relationship they hate.

And why do you on this site? I'd hardly believe you gained some success, got your dream job or a perfect bf/gf.

 

[Its time its time]

Read the topic "it what age I would like to have ctb" Nearly everyone said they would be glad to end it all in their 18-20 cause after that age they have only work tey hate, life they hate and relationship they hate.

And why do you on this site? I'd hardly believe you gained some success, got your dream job or a perfect bf/gf.

I had my dream job. Got a big inheritance. At my age, I was somewhere where most people would dream to be.
But I screwed up badly financially. Screwed up my family with lies and cover ups over the past 3 years.

Currently have the best ever GF in the world. Have the most supporting family in the world.
I thought the only way out was to take my life. In the past week I had attempted to do so twice. Broke my family.
But each time they have been here for me. Each time they forgave me. And they have stuck by me regardless of my screw up.

So I have decided to face my mistake and rebuild my life piece by piece no matter how fucked up the future looks for me now.

Anyway end of the day it's your choice. Just hope that you are 100% sure.
If you want we can continue our chat through PM instead of infront of everyone.
Cheers.