Mostly fear and loneliness. I wasn't actively trying to be attention-seeking, but in that moment, all I wanted to do was talk to a friend. I didn't really think about what that might do; I was just so depressed, I couldn't really care or be a more thought-out perfectionist in my planning. I thought I'd leave it up to them whether or not they wanted to do something about it and save me or leave me for dead. Which obviously they would call someone idk what that dumb logic in me was, I was also drunk during this time. Now that I think about all that weight I put on them, I feel quite guilty. What else would they have done other than call someone, durrr? I think, unless you have a plan to conk yourself out quickly, this just may happen to you; you may have some last-minute reservations in the subconscious of your mind, or just want someone to be there with you, and that Anxiety/Adrenaline in your head can make you act out in these ways, at least for me. I guess you could look at it like I didn't really wanna die in that moment, but I 1OO% did, and ever since telling the people in my life and coming back from my attempt, I can tell you I don't really feel any differently....its just more awkward now and I actively dont talk about it ever again like it never happened. Sucks to be on a watchlist now and lose my ability to purchase a firearm, and also deal with the pain of having my stomach pumped out of me and a tube down my nostril. Being more level-headed and not reaching out to anyone, as you said, will lead to a more successful CTB. It's just that sometimes Mood > Logic in these scenarios for some people who struggle to control their behavior and emotions. If the people in your life would pity or feel disgust in you, then they aren't someone worth reaching out to, period.
Thank you for opening up with your experience!
Reading everyone's responses has been very eye opening to me as I tend to be very literal and rigid minded in approach to my own experiences with attempts. It has helped me not be so judgmental as well.
Because years ago I'd be in the hospital with people who've told others and just think 'Damn these people must not be serious about it, I cannot relate to these idiots they obviously only said this shit for attention." < Keep in mind I do not hold this attitude anymore, it just evolved into general confusion as I see it as social suicide? (Because like in my initial post. People will treat you like a loony and think less of you even if they don't say it)
This may just be because I'm just a cynic and tend to not think well of others. (And being neurodivergent in a world hostile against people like me)
I definitely see how being drunk factors into why you told others. I myself have gotten hilariously sappy or just super sad. You never know sometimes.
Also yes..having your stomach pumped is awful. I was thankfully never conscious enough for my own experiences with it and I'm very sorry you were aware for that process.
I guess in the end it all chalks up to that strong rush of fear and loneliness. I wonder if this is also true of the folks who've called their loved ones numerous times before their CTB. As that is a common trend with some stories I've read on.
Maybe it's just to not be alone before doing something you are anxious about. One last tiny point of human contact before it all ends.
Since reading some of the responses here, I'm reaching a similar conclusion.
It's made me think back about some cases where someone will have committed suicide but prior to their final act they called friends/loved ones numerous times and even left messages/voice mail.
in cases of telling people irl that ruin attempts, it is because they dont actually want to die. they want the hurt to end. there is a difference. they want someone to save them or to care. they want help.
unfortunately but reasonably, suicidal people are an absolute drain to be around and if there is any help or care to be had from loved ones, it will not last. so if anyone helps you, you had better make a solid shot at recovery. imo and ime.
The above were people I was forced into therapy groups with after my actual serious attempts. I just did not relate AT ALL and it just made me resentful during that time. In a weird childish way it felt as if they were appropriating my experience and defining it. (I was a child so that may explain it)
Just very different mindsets at play.
The former people, if given an immediate means to CTB — wouldn't take it. Because they do have that lingering hope that it does get better.
I did not. In fact, that was a constant argument I had with the others. That longer hospitalization was a mess of an experience because I felt as if I was stuck with people who were just bored/had poor habits that needed to be fixed. Not people with the actual desire to CTB. Again, in that childish mindset it was like "these fuckin' posers!"
Also big yes on suicidal people on being a drain to be around. A lot of people are not very self aware about that. I had a friend who always suicide baited me for attention and it was just..exhausting. One can only comfort so much until they get fed up. Respectfully.
I'm not sure if I'm exactly the person you wanted to ask, but I told my irl friends about my attempt (well, I didn't say I attempted but... Very very obviously hinted). I told them for the sole reason that theyd find out.
I have thick scars on my arms from the attempt. When short sleeve season starts, they will find out, so I just decided to tell them in advance, so they wouldn't ask me in public.
I told them about my stay at the psych ward and showed them the scars, which are very obviously "attempt" looking (the deepest is at the wrist around the veins, theyre scattered randomly for the most part - showing it was done in panic). They didn't actually ask what I got hospitalised for, especially after I showed them the scars, it was obvious.
But I wouldn't tell anyone (besides people on here) about my current plans on CTB.
Any perspective is welcome honestly. Helps my narrow minded self understand others who find themselves in a similar predicament (aka being here) and wrap my head around why some may be open about such things with others in their life.
Your story does make sense though. It'd be pretty jarring to see a friend take off their long sleeve and see a bunch of deep scars. So it's good foresight on your behalf to tell them first before it surprises them.
