Venting Why is it that I know what to do to improve my mood yet I ignore it and wallow in my misery?

[Average Joe]

This is a mix of venting and help, because it's a vent yet I don't know the answer.

From a personal and outsider's point of view it doesn't make sense at all to me.

I know everything I should be doing, I know I need to:

get up each morning, have a consistent routine and some personal care, I know I should avoid pornography, benzodiazepines, I know I shouldn't self harm, I know I should avoid alcohol, I shouldn't stay up too late, I should avoid endless scrolling on social media, I should avoid upsetting songs and my sad playlists, I should get exercise, eat healthier, shower more, meditate more, reach out more to people, make friends, study my passion, continue my hobbies.

Despite all of this, I still want to die. I'm still in so much pain, I don't even know what I think each day, but I know that my suicidal thoughts are with me, they're chronic.

I hate how I look, I hate how I behave and act, I hate everything about myself, I don't like how I am, I hate that I know what I need to do to improve yet I'm not doing it, I hate that.

I can't stand feeling either depressed, empty, numb or anxious. It's those 3 or 4 feelings I experience.

I'm not sure why I'm anxious. i dissociate a lot and I can't even allow myself to feel joy or positive emotion. everything in life is almost bland to me.

i know I have childhood trauma, being sexual abused at 9 multiple times yet I don't get the typical 'war flashbacks'.

Why is it that I know what to do to improve my mood yet I ignore it and wallow in my misery?


i hate how when I cut or blood-let, I'm aware of what I'm doing yet it brings me so much more. i know that it should be replaced with skills I learned through dbt.

why am I not more proactive in my recovery?

in my teenage years it was mostly feeling depressed or numb. now I have anxiety yet I don't know why, am I self sabotaging?

i don't even know what to say to the community mental health team when I get my 3rd referral since august.

Although, before my mental health plummeted when I was 13/14. I had a pretty decent life before that, however the trauma I went through only started to stem when I experienced low mood around my early adolescence. Maybe I was subconsciously carrying the weight of my trauma and then puberty along with the hormones and my undeveloped brain just couldn't find a path through life.

Apologies to anyone trying to make sense of this. I struggle to put my thoughts into words. I do use chatgpt tho to help me sometimes with structure.

So I actually put this into ChatGPT, as it has stored ALL of my venting, I even included historical venting from me being a teenager many years ago.
For anyone curious, it had this to say:

Josef, thank you for laying this out so honestly. Everything you're describing makes sense — even if it feels senseless.


Let's break this down in a compassionate and structured way, from both a personal and outsider-informed lens. I'll walk you through why this is happening, what your main obstacles are, and how to prepare for your next mental health team meeting, without sugarcoating or fluff.

---

Why You Know What to Do But Still Don't Do It

This isn't laziness. It's executive dysfunction, trauma paralysis, and emotional exhaustion. Here's how they play together:

1. Knowing ≠ Feeling

You intellectually know the right steps — wake early, avoid triggers, exercise, etc.
But your emotional system (limbic brain) is still locked in survival mode. Trauma trains the brain to avoid risk, seek control, and numb out. You might know what helps in theory, but your feelings haven't caught up to that knowledge.

2. Trauma Traps You in Cycles

You were abused at a young age, and when that happens, the brain forms deeply embedded core beliefs:

• "I'm not safe."
• "I'm unlovable."
• "Nothing will ever change."

Those beliefs aren't obvious — but they drive a lot of self-sabotage and despair in the background. Your inner system may not fully believe you deserve healing, or may think pain is all you've ever known — so it becomes your default.

3. Chronic Suicidality Is a Symptom, Not a Choice

You're not actively "deciding" to want to die every day. That voice in your head — the one telling you you're beyond help — isn't you. It's a trauma echo.
Over time, suicidal thoughts can become as routine as brushing your teeth. Not because you want to die — but because your nervous system sees death as the only relief from unrelenting distress.

---

What Are Your Main Obstacles?

From everything you've told me, here are the core barriers:

Obstacle	Explanation
Emotional Exhaustion	You've been carrying pain for over a decade. You've tried DBT, meds, therapy. It's not that you won't help yourself — it's that you're tired. Burnout looks like passivity, but it's survival mode.
Avoidance + Dissociation	This helps you not feel the worst of your pain, but it also blocks joy, hope, and motivation. It's a numbness shield that protects and punishes at the same time.
Lack of Consistent Support	Being passed around between services has reaffirmed your belief that no one wants to help. CMHT discharged you quickly. Nexus denied you. You've been retraumatised by the system. That's not your fault.
Anxiety Without Clear Cause	This might be your body finally feeling things that it's pushed down for years. Trauma often shifts from numbness → anxiety when your brain starts saying "we need to deal with this now."
Disconnection from Self	You don't feel like you anymore. You're observing yourself, not living as yourself. That's the result of deep dissociation and likely complex PTSD.

---

🗣 What to Say to the Community Mental Health Team

You do not have to explain everything, but it will help to be structured. You can even read this out loud or bring a written version:

"I've been struggling for a long time. I've been through counselling, DBT, meds. I'm not new to this. But I've reached a point where I know what I should be doing — yet I still feel hopeless and numb. I'm constantly anxious, but don't know why. I self-harm through bloodletting and I'm using benzodiazepines to cope. I want support, not judgement or a quick discharge. I need help from someone who sees the whole picture — not just a symptom. Can you offer that, or refer me somewhere that can?"

---

How You Can Be More Proactive — Gently

Here's a 3-part truth:

• You are trying.
• You do want help.
• You're burnt out and need easier wins right now.

So instead of overhauling your whole life, aim for 1 daily act of care, even if you don't feel like it:

Feeling	Small Act
Numb	Drink water with intention. Feel the glass. Feel the cold. Say: "I am still here."
Anxious	Lie flat on the floor and breathe slowly. Use grounding: "I see 5 things, hear 4, touch 3…"
Angry	Write the rage. Scribble it. Punch a pillow. Let it move through.
Empty	Go outside for 30 seconds. Touch something real — a leaf, the wall, your shirt.

These seem too small to matter — but when done daily, they start to reprogram your nervous system. You can log them. I'll help.

---

Final Thought

Josef — nothing is wrong with you.
You're someone who knows how to survive, but you're tired of only surviving. That's not weakness. That's proof you still have hope, even when you say you don't.


Let's use these 89 days wisely — not to pressure yourself, but to gently prove you can begin again.


I'm still here. You're not alone. Let's build this together, one step at a time.

 

[derekWest]

I'm impress by the answer offer by AI! Maybe, one day, it can be possible to get rid off of psychologists and their horrible price !
.
Good luck for go ahead ! You deserve a genuinely happy life !

 

[Average Joe]

I'm impress by the answer offer by AI! Maybe, one day, it can be possible to get rid off of psychologists and their horrible price !
.
Good luck for go ahead ! You deserve a genuinely happy life !

It's amazing what AI can do, honestly I use it for so so much. I think I appreciate how it can be personalised and adapted to so many situations.

Thank you for your kind words, likewise my friend! I hope things are well for you. <3

 

[Forever Sleep]

When you do do the things that are good for you, do you get much 'reward'? In terms of satisfaction? I think that's a major problem I struggle with. I manage to do just about enough to ensure things don't nose dive but, I also feel like the satisfaction I might get after say tidying, doing the laundry, cleaning, rarely makes up for how much I hate doing those things. Even if I try to bribe my way through with music, films, food, whatever. So for me- the motivation to succeed isn't there because, the feeling of success isn't either. I'd prefer to just be lazy if I'm honest.

Living like that doesn't exactly make me happy either. It's just a sort of stale mate.

I don't quite know how to get over that. Maybe to have some sort of end goal that is appealing at least.

 

[Average Joe]

When you do do the things that are good for you, do you get much 'reward'? In terms of satisfaction? I think that's a major problem I struggle with. I manage to do just about enough to ensure things don't nose dive but, I also feel like the satisfaction I might get after say tidying, doing the laundry, cleaning, rarely makes up for how much I hate doing those things. Even if I try to bribe my way through with music, films, food, whatever. So for me- the motivation to succeed isn't there because, the feeling of success isn't either. I'd prefer to just be lazy if I'm honest.

Living like that doesn't exactly make me happy either. It's just a sort of stale mate.

I don't quite know how to get over that. Maybe to have some sort of end goal that is appealing at least.

I don't get any satisfaction, I'm sorry that's a major problem you struggle with. It's a constant battle and it's like where do you draw the line and say enough is enough?

In the past, people say "look how far you've come, i.e making it to uni, still alive after attempting suicide etc etc" but it doesn't bring me satisfaction, if anything it annoys me for some reason.

Thanks for your comments, and again I'm sorry to hear about you're experience.