Average Joe
Forsaken One
- Nov 5, 2019
- 340
This is a mix of venting and help, because it's a vent yet I don't know the answer.
From a personal and outsider's point of view it doesn't make sense at all to me.
I know everything I should be doing, I know I need to:
get up each morning, have a consistent routine and some personal care, I know I should avoid pornography, benzodiazepines, I know I shouldn't self harm, I know I should avoid alcohol, I shouldn't stay up too late, I should avoid endless scrolling on social media, I should avoid upsetting songs and my sad playlists, I should get exercise, eat healthier, shower more, meditate more, reach out more to people, make friends, study my passion, continue my hobbies.
Despite all of this, I still want to die. I'm still in so much pain, I don't even know what I think each day, but I know that my suicidal thoughts are with me, they're chronic.
I hate how I look, I hate how I behave and act, I hate everything about myself, I don't like how I am, I hate that I know what I need to do to improve yet I'm not doing it, I hate that.
I can't stand feeling either depressed, empty, numb or anxious. It's those 3 or 4 feelings I experience.
I'm not sure why I'm anxious. i dissociate a lot and I can't even allow myself to feel joy or positive emotion. everything in life is almost bland to me.
i know I have childhood trauma, being sexual abused at 9 multiple times yet I don't get the typical 'war flashbacks'.
Why is it that I know what to do to improve my mood yet I ignore it and wallow in my misery?
i hate how when I cut or blood-let, I'm aware of what I'm doing yet it brings me so much more. i know that it should be replaced with skills I learned through dbt.
why am I not more proactive in my recovery?
in my teenage years it was mostly feeling depressed or numb. now I have anxiety yet I don't know why, am I self sabotaging?
i don't even know what to say to the community mental health team when I get my 3rd referral since august.
Although, before my mental health plummeted when I was 13/14. I had a pretty decent life before that, however the trauma I went through only started to stem when I experienced low mood around my early adolescence. Maybe I was subconsciously carrying the weight of my trauma and then puberty along with the hormones and my undeveloped brain just couldn't find a path through life.
Apologies to anyone trying to make sense of this. I struggle to put my thoughts into words. I do use chatgpt tho to help me sometimes with structure.
So I actually put this into ChatGPT, as it has stored ALL of my venting, I even included historical venting from me being a teenager many years ago.
Josef, thank you for laying this out so honestly. Everything you're describing makes sense — even if it feels senseless.
Let's break this down in a compassionate and structured way, from both a personal and outsider-informed lens. I'll walk you through why this is happening, what your main obstacles are, and how to prepare for your next mental health team meeting, without sugarcoating or fluff.
This isn't laziness. It's executive dysfunction, trauma paralysis, and emotional exhaustion. Here's how they play together:
You intellectually know the right steps — wake early, avoid triggers, exercise, etc.
But your emotional system (limbic brain) is still locked in survival mode. Trauma trains the brain to avoid risk, seek control, and numb out. You might know what helps in theory, but your feelings haven't caught up to that knowledge.
You were abused at a young age, and when that happens, the brain forms deeply embedded core beliefs:
Those beliefs aren't obvious — but they drive a lot of self-sabotage and despair in the background. Your inner system may not fully believe you deserve healing, or may think pain is all you've ever known — so it becomes your default.
You're not actively "deciding" to want to die every day. That voice in your head — the one telling you you're beyond help — isn't you. It's a trauma echo.
Over time, suicidal thoughts can become as routine as brushing your teeth. Not because you want to die — but because your nervous system sees death as the only relief from unrelenting distress.
From everything you've told me, here are the core barriers:
You do not have to explain everything, but it will help to be structured. You can even read this out loud or bring a written version:
Here's a 3-part truth:
So instead of overhauling your whole life, aim for 1 daily act of care, even if you don't feel like it:
These seem too small to matter — but when done daily, they start to reprogram your nervous system. You can log them. I'll help.
Josef — nothing is wrong with you.
You're someone who knows how to survive, but you're tired of only surviving. That's not weakness. That's proof you still have hope, even when you say you don't.
Let's use these 89 days wisely — not to pressure yourself, but to gently prove you can begin again.
I'm still here. You're not alone. Let's build this together, one step at a time.
From a personal and outsider's point of view it doesn't make sense at all to me.
I know everything I should be doing, I know I need to:
get up each morning, have a consistent routine and some personal care, I know I should avoid pornography, benzodiazepines, I know I shouldn't self harm, I know I should avoid alcohol, I shouldn't stay up too late, I should avoid endless scrolling on social media, I should avoid upsetting songs and my sad playlists, I should get exercise, eat healthier, shower more, meditate more, reach out more to people, make friends, study my passion, continue my hobbies.
Despite all of this, I still want to die. I'm still in so much pain, I don't even know what I think each day, but I know that my suicidal thoughts are with me, they're chronic.
I hate how I look, I hate how I behave and act, I hate everything about myself, I don't like how I am, I hate that I know what I need to do to improve yet I'm not doing it, I hate that.
I can't stand feeling either depressed, empty, numb or anxious. It's those 3 or 4 feelings I experience.
I'm not sure why I'm anxious. i dissociate a lot and I can't even allow myself to feel joy or positive emotion. everything in life is almost bland to me.
i know I have childhood trauma, being sexual abused at 9 multiple times yet I don't get the typical 'war flashbacks'.
Why is it that I know what to do to improve my mood yet I ignore it and wallow in my misery?
i hate how when I cut or blood-let, I'm aware of what I'm doing yet it brings me so much more. i know that it should be replaced with skills I learned through dbt.
why am I not more proactive in my recovery?
in my teenage years it was mostly feeling depressed or numb. now I have anxiety yet I don't know why, am I self sabotaging?
i don't even know what to say to the community mental health team when I get my 3rd referral since august.
Although, before my mental health plummeted when I was 13/14. I had a pretty decent life before that, however the trauma I went through only started to stem when I experienced low mood around my early adolescence. Maybe I was subconsciously carrying the weight of my trauma and then puberty along with the hormones and my undeveloped brain just couldn't find a path through life.
Apologies to anyone trying to make sense of this. I struggle to put my thoughts into words. I do use chatgpt tho to help me sometimes with structure.
So I actually put this into ChatGPT, as it has stored ALL of my venting, I even included historical venting from me being a teenager many years ago.
For anyone curious, it had this to say:
Josef, thank you for laying this out so honestly. Everything you're describing makes sense — even if it feels senseless.
Let's break this down in a compassionate and structured way, from both a personal and outsider-informed lens. I'll walk you through why this is happening, what your main obstacles are, and how to prepare for your next mental health team meeting, without sugarcoating or fluff.
Why You Know What to Do But Still Don't Do It
This isn't laziness. It's executive dysfunction, trauma paralysis, and emotional exhaustion. Here's how they play together:
1. Knowing ≠ Feeling
You intellectually know the right steps — wake early, avoid triggers, exercise, etc.
But your emotional system (limbic brain) is still locked in survival mode. Trauma trains the brain to avoid risk, seek control, and numb out. You might know what helps in theory, but your feelings haven't caught up to that knowledge.
2. Trauma Traps You in Cycles
You were abused at a young age, and when that happens, the brain forms deeply embedded core beliefs:
- "I'm not safe."
- "I'm unlovable."
- "Nothing will ever change."
Those beliefs aren't obvious — but they drive a lot of self-sabotage and despair in the background. Your inner system may not fully believe you deserve healing, or may think pain is all you've ever known — so it becomes your default.
3. Chronic Suicidality Is a Symptom, Not a Choice
You're not actively "deciding" to want to die every day. That voice in your head — the one telling you you're beyond help — isn't you. It's a trauma echo.
Over time, suicidal thoughts can become as routine as brushing your teeth. Not because you want to die — but because your nervous system sees death as the only relief from unrelenting distress.
What Are Your Main Obstacles?
From everything you've told me, here are the core barriers:
| Obstacle | Explanation |
|---|---|
| Emotional Exhaustion | You've been carrying pain for over a decade. You've tried DBT, meds, therapy. It's not that you won't help yourself — it's that you're tired. Burnout looks like passivity, but it's survival mode. |
| Avoidance + Dissociation | This helps you not feel the worst of your pain, but it also blocks joy, hope, and motivation. It's a numbness shield that protects and punishes at the same time. |
| Lack of Consistent Support | Being passed around between services has reaffirmed your belief that no one wants to help. CMHT discharged you quickly. Nexus denied you. You've been retraumatised by the system. That's not your fault. |
| Anxiety Without Clear Cause | This might be your body finally feeling things that it's pushed down for years. Trauma often shifts from numbness → anxiety when your brain starts saying "we need to deal with this now." |
| Disconnection from Self | You don't feel like you anymore. You're observing yourself, not living as yourself. That's the result of deep dissociation and likely complex PTSD. |
🗣 What to Say to the Community Mental Health Team
You do not have to explain everything, but it will help to be structured. You can even read this out loud or bring a written version:
How You Can Be More Proactive — Gently
Here's a 3-part truth:
- You are trying.
- You do want help.
- You're burnt out and need easier wins right now.
So instead of overhauling your whole life, aim for 1 daily act of care, even if you don't feel like it:
| Feeling | Small Act |
|---|---|
| Numb | Drink water with intention. Feel the glass. Feel the cold. Say: "I am still here." |
| Anxious | Lie flat on the floor and breathe slowly. Use grounding: "I see 5 things, hear 4, touch 3…" |
| Angry | Write the rage. Scribble it. Punch a pillow. Let it move through. |
| Empty | Go outside for 30 seconds. Touch something real — a leaf, the wall, your shirt. |
These seem too small to matter — but when done daily, they start to reprogram your nervous system. You can log them. I'll help.
Final Thought
Josef — nothing is wrong with you.
You're someone who knows how to survive, but you're tired of only surviving. That's not weakness. That's proof you still have hope, even when you say you don't.
Let's use these 89 days wisely — not to pressure yourself, but to gently prove you can begin again.
I'm still here. You're not alone. Let's build this together, one step at a time.
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