Venting why is it so hard to die

[Aleksandra]

To my knowledge, you cannot OD on antidepressants either, and fuck that nurse for saying you were bluffing.

she was calling me pathetic and saying if i wanted the job done, i'd of given the research and know antidepressants are more likely to kill you instead of attention seeking. mind you i was merely 16 when this was said, still stuck to me

 

[woxihuanni]

she was calling me pathetic and saying if i wanted the job done, i'd of given the research and know antidepressants are more likely to kill you instead of attention seeking. mind you i was merely 16 when this was said, still stuck to me

She's scum and does not deserve to exist. I'm sorry you had to put up with such fuckery when you were so young.

 

[Aleksandra]

She's scum and does not deserve to exist. I'm sorry you had to put up with such fuckery when you were so young.

most nurses here don't treat people with bpd so nicely. it's a very stigmatised disorder here because of certain traits (manipulation, anger, etc.) i recently slammed my face on a pavement curb, was taken to a&e and at first they were kind, they checked my medical history and immediately i was cold shouldered. this is only the tip of the iceberg as to why i don't want to live in this horrific world anymore

edit: i slammed my face due to impulsive anger. it was deliberate

 

[woxihuanni]

most nurses here don't treat people with bpd so nicely. it's a very stigmatised disorder here because of certain traits (manipulation, anger, etc.) i recently slammed my face on a pavement curb, was taken to a&e and at first they were kind, they checked my medical history and immediately i was cold shouldered. this is only the tip of the iceberg as to why i don't want to live in this horrific world anymore

edit: i slammed my face due to impulsive anger. it was deliberate

When you face enough stigma from society, nurses should not add to it and kick you when you are vulnerable.

 

[Aleksandra]

When you face enough stigma from society, nurses should not add to it and kick you when you are vulnerable.

i'm just hoping i can find a way to go peacefully with minimal pain. i wish i could afford to go to the netherlands

 

[Dystopia]

To my knowledge, you cannot OD on antidepressants either, and fuck that nurse for saying you were bluffing.

I think the Amitriptyline cocktail is the only anti depressant method talked about. Most modern AD's seem to be a lot safer

 

[woxihuanni]

I think the Amitriptyline cocktail is the only anti depressant method talked about. Most modern AD's seem to be a lot safer

Aha, the cocktail. But then it is more complicated than just eating the stuff, if I'm not mistaken.

 

[Aleksandra]

i think i'm just going to have to bite the bullet, hope i don't vomit and endure the pain. maybe i can try taking a sedating medication and plastic bag, though i think it's less likely to work.

 

[woxihuanni]

i think i'm just going to have to bite the bullet, hope i don't vomit and endure the pain. maybe i can try taking a sedating medication and plastic bag, though i think it's less likely to work.

Can you just use a day more to see if somebody can come up with a good method you can afford?

 

[Dystopia]

i think i'm just going to have to bite the bullet, hope i don't vomit and endure the pain. maybe i can try taking a sedating medication and plastic bag, though i think it's less likely to work.

I'd highly advise rethinking your decision if it includes taking any amount of paracetamol (it will be very painful and you'll throw up most of what you take with it)

If you're low on money try looking at the SN megathread. I know you're feeling desperate but you'll probably feel worse with another failed attempt that's painful

 

[Aleksandra]

Can you just use a day more to see if somebody can come up with a good method you can afford?

i'll try to, i'm just unsure on what to do for the time being, i'm very occupied with my thoughts, and being alone physically now, it feels like a hellish nightmare. doesn't help that my sleeping pattern is fucked too. i go to sleep at 6am and awake at 1 for a bit, then sleep again for 4-5

I'd highly advise rethinking your decision if it includes taking any amount of paracetamol (it will be very painful and you'll throw up most of what you take with it)

If you're low on money try looking at the SN megathread. I know you're feeling desperate but you'll probably feel worse with another failed attempt that's painful

i have looked at that method as it interested me, i'm just unsure on where to get anti nausea medication. the only ones that are even remotely close to it that i have are motion sickness pills

 

[woxihuanni]

It is not easy to grieve after a break up, messes up sleep too. I don't know if you find it comforting or more painful to wear their clothes if available. Try to both look at methods and reach out to us here, don't get lost in your head. For some suggestions for distracting/comforting material, check my thread 'scared tonight'. (There people helped me when I had a bad night.)

 

[Aleksandra]

It is not easy to grieve after a break up, messes up sleep too. I don't know if you find it comforting or more painful to wear their clothes if available. Try to both look at methods and reach out to us here, don't get lost in your head. For some suggestions for distracting/comforting material, check my thread 'scared tonight'. (There people helped me when I had a bad night.)

it's not even as if we aren't still talking, our situation is he has bpd and npd, and we essentially just grew to become toxic for each other. that's all there is to it. he wants a break, he said he wants to be the best version of himself before committing to anyone. "maybe we can meet in the future and see how we both feel". there's this polish old saying which goes something like "old love never rots", he repeated that to me and i want to have that hope but my luck always fails me. i cant stand this feeling and the worst part about bpd is you never truly stop loving someone. i was with someone before and i was constantly heartbroken for two years until i met someone new, even now i still have an ounce of love for them. it all sucks, it's a constant repeating cycle.

 

[Dystopia]

i'll try to, i'm just unsure on what to do for the time being, i'm very occupied with my thoughts, and being alone physically now, it feels like a hellish nightmare. doesn't help that my sleeping pattern is fucked too. i go to sleep at 6am and awake at 1 for a bit, then sleep again for 4-5

i have looked at that method as it interested me, i'm just unsure on where to get anti nausea medication. the only ones that are even remotely close to it that i have are motion sickness pills

There's plenty depending on where you're from; not allowed to source in public though and as you've only registered today I can't send you a PM yet

 

[Aleksandra]

There's plenty depending on where you're from; not allowed to source in public though and as you've only registered today I can't send you a PM yet

it's okay, thank you for offering!

 

[oopswronglife]

he said he wants to be the best version of himself before committing to anyone. "maybe we can meet in the future and see how we both feel".

This never works. It's something people do to selfishly hold on to an opportunity in case what they want doesn't pan out. Don't let someone keep you hanging on as their Plan B. The last thing someone needs when life is so bad is someone else who is taking more from your emotional reserve with selfishness. I know its hard because we don' want to let go of only contacts etc. But sometimes those people make it worse for us and admitting that can make a difference. We like to believe that other sufferers are always kinder and more empathetic because they "get it" but there are just as many bad sufferers as bad typical folks. Find the good ones and focus on them, don't let the ones that take from you weigh you down even more whilst you are trying to tread water.

To speed up your ability to PM if you need that...go play some of the word games etc in Off Topic. It's some secret combination of time and post count that opens up the PM function. I've seen people with old join dates that say they cannot PM so it seems to take a certain number of posts as well.

 

[Pistolero114]

She's scum and does not deserve to exist. I'm sorry you had to put up with such fuckery when you were so young.

The horrible thing is that these "professionals" are out there with licenses to "help" the afflicted. She's a bitch. Nothing you can do about her but you can choose your own path now. Good luck with things. If you choose out I hope it's as quiet quick and painless as possible.

Fair winds and following seas.

 

[woxihuanni]

it's okay, thank you for offering!

As you keep posting, you will be able to receive pm s so he can help you more.

 

[Aleksandra]

This never works. It's something people do to selfishly hold on to an opportunity in case what they want doesn't pan out. Don't let someone keep you hanging on as their Plan B. The last thing someone needs when life is so bad is someone else who is taking more from your emotional reserve with selfishness. I know its hard because we don' want to let go of only contacts etc. But sometimes those people make it worse for us and admitting that can make a difference. We like to believe that other sufferers are always kinder and more empathetic because they "get it" but there are just as many bad sufferers as bad typical folks. Find the good ones and focus on them, don't let the ones that take from you weigh you down even more whilst you are trying to tread water.

To speed up your ability to PM if you need that...go play some of the word games etc in Off Topic. It's some secret combination of time and post count that opens up the PM function. I've seen people with old join dates that say they cannot PM so it seems to take a certain number of posts as well.

the only reason i'm justifying him is because i did some really shitty things to him to make it this way. he's really depressed and it's mainly because of some of my actions back in december. right now he's currently in poland to have an emotional break from life, and overall we keep talking about what to do and how to go about it in the least bpd way possible (so essentially healthy). he made it clear that he doesn't want any expectations from both parties. all this is overwhelming for me and my heart simply just hurts. i've said this all on a reddit forum and only had people call me a piece of shit and i should do him a favour by blocking him and never contacting him again. which is why i've resulted into this forum because many people seem to be more sympathetic and treat you nicer

 

[woxihuanni]

it's not even as if we aren't still talking, our situation is he has bpd and npd, and we essentially just grew to become toxic for each other. that's all there is to it. he wants a break, he said he wants to be the best version of himself before committing to anyone. "maybe we can meet in the future and see how we both feel". there's this polish old saying which goes something like "old love never rots", he repeated that to me and i want to have that hope but my luck always fails me. i cant stand this feeling and the worst part about bpd is you never truly stop loving someone. i was with someone before and i was constantly heartbroken for two years until i met someone new, even now i still have an ounce of love for them. it all sucks, it's a constant repeating cycle.

Don't try to fight your feelings, put your hands on your stomach and heart listen to the pain. It's OK to love and it's not your fault to have bpd, life throws shit at us all.
Reddit is a cesspit, didn't they say someone will npd and bpd will hurt you as well? Npd is not something that gets better, really. It is just what it is.

 

[Aleksandra]

Don't try to fight your feelings, put your hands on your stomach and heart listen to the pain. It's OK to love and it's not your fault to have bpd, life throws shit at us all.
Reddit is a cesspit, didn't they say someone will npd and bpd will hurt you as well? Npd is not something that gets better, really. It is just what it is.

this may sound cynical but i really wish i had just depression and anxiety. i spent my life trying to give all the love i never received as a child. and now i face the consequences, i don't learn from mistakes and i care too much. i've been so selfless all my life and i feel like i've earnt the "selfish" act of suicide.

i'm envious of my dad and brother. i found both bodies when they killed themselves, my dad hung himself and my brother OD'd. they did it first time and success, why is it so hard for me?

 

[woxihuanni]

this may sound cynical but i really wish i had just depression and anxiety. i spent my life trying to give all the love i never received as a child. and now i face the consequences, i don't learn from mistakes and i care too much. i've been so selfless all my life and i feel like i've earnt the "selfish" act of suicide.

i'm envious of my dad and brother. i found both bodies when they killed themselves, my dad hung himself and my brother OD'd. they did it first time and success, why is it so hard for me?

I know what it is like to envy people who die. Don't beat yourself up for your issues, it looks like both you and your guy understand where you are at and try to communicate better despite everything. I don't know what it is like to have bpd, but a lot of us suffer to a degree from bad childhood experiences. It is not the sufferer's fault.

 

[eve2004]

thank you for responding anyway. i'm crying in bed and that was really comforting in itself to read

It's been 2 hours since you posted this but if it's any consolation I've been bawling my eyes out too trying to get myself together so I don't impulsively botch up a CTB... you did the right thing by reaching out here, its not the best time to CTB when we're feeling this way and everyone here is super nice and can chat with you while this passes. I'm in the same state of mind now so i can relate a bit.

 

[woxihuanni]

It's been 2 hours since you posted this but if it's any consolation I've been bawling my eyes out too trying to get myself together so I don't impulsively botch up a CTB... you did the right thing by reaching out here, its not the best time to CTB when we're feeling this way and everyone here is super nice and can chat with you while this passes. I'm in the same state of mind now so i can relate a bit.

Come join. :) I mentioned it before in this thread but you can check my thread 'scared tonight' for some videos, songs and TV series if that helps (it's stuff helpful people suggested to me).

 

[oopswronglife]

i've said this all on a reddit forum

Reddit is full of immature kids who know nothing and angry/selfish/egoist adults who know nothing, and loads of intentional manipulation for politics and marketing, and it gets worse and worse. It's even more slewed that way than normal society. It's one of those worst places online to get a proper sample of humanity let alone find decent folks. Don't give that cross section power over you in any way.

Yeah this place is full of more empathy as a result of suffering. But it also slews toward the hopeless and negative in an unrealistic way...as is reasonable given what we have suffered. So you have to be aware and not let someone drag you down more as they try to deal with their own pain. It's easy to get swept away in it after finding a place you can be open.

I've been bawling my eyes out too trying

Dehydration sounds like a terrible method ;)

 

[Pistolero114]

this may sound cynical but i really wish i had just depression and anxiety. i spent my life trying to give all the love i never received as a child. and now i face the consequences, i don't learn from mistakes and i care too much. i've been so selfless all my life and i feel like i've earnt the "selfish" act of suicide.

i'm envious of my dad and brother. i found both bodies when they killed themselves, my dad hung himself and my brother OD'd. they did it first time and success, why is it so hard for me?

Because I think deep down in our psyches we hang on to hope that life will take a positive turn and we can live like "normal" people. (Whatever normal is). We hope that we don't have to start a different level of existence on another plane. Human Beings are creatures of habit. We like routine and become highly agitated when our routine is interupted by whatever is being thrown at us that particular day.

We want it to be better; for the pain to stop. For the drama that others insist on living by to end. A quiet life filled with simple joys of living. Like watching my granddaughters grow into beautiful young women like their mothers. Simple things. Uninterrupted by other people's bulls**t. But the world is filled with what I call the "Normies" and "Sheeple". Their insight into what makes life worth living is driven by a new episode of the Kardashians.

Seems like a catch 22 doesn't it? Damned if you do; damned if you don't.

Best of luck I figuring out what's best for you. Tough decision. Really tough.

 

[woxihuanni]

Reddit is full of immature kids who know nothing and angry/selfish/egoist adults who know nothing, and loads of intentional manipulation for politics and marketing, and it gets worse and worse. It's even more slewed that way than normal society. It's one of those worst places online to get a proper sample of humanity let alone find decent folks. Don't give that cross section power over you in any way.


Yeah this place is full of more empathy as a result of suffering. But it also slews toward the hopeless and negative in an unrealistic way...as is reasonable given what we have suffered. So you have to be aware and not let someone drag you down more as they try to deal with their own pain.

Completely agree on reddit. Though strangely enough I have not found anybody's comments negative here. In a crisis, everybody reacts appropriately as far as I can see.

 

[Aleksandra]

I know what it is like to envy people who die. Don't beat yourself up for your issues, it looks like both you and your guy understand where you are at and try to communicate better despite everything. I don't know what it is like to have bpd, but a lot of us suffer to a degree from bad childhood experiences. It is not the sufferer's fault.

the only reason i'm saying this is because i know i'm somewhat anonymous and also i won't be here much longer but this disorder has destroyed my life.

when i was in my early teens all i did was try to get into relationships, and in those relationships i would manipulate them so bad. blackmail them with suicide if they left, loving them hating them (it's called splitting), impulsive spending, drinking problems, sleeping with random men without protection, lying to get my way, and the list goes on. all this because my mental health team refused to acknowledge something was seriously wrong with me. i was diagnosed with psychotic depression up until i was 17, and then they told me the reason why they didn't diagnose me then was because it's impractical to diagnose someone before 18. but all that, to go untreated and given wrong treatments. a little too late. i did get better on my own over time but i still hold some of the shitty traits. i lied about being attacked when i was with another guy two years ago. because he wasn't giving me enough attention. and honestly i felt like utter scum after everytime i did it. being with my recent ex, he taught me how to not do those things. but often i would relapse into some traits and that's why he's worn out. that's why i don't blame him for him to need a breathing space, i want people to know really what bpd is because i'm sick and tired of people thinking it's just abandonment issues, when it comes with an array of nasty traits. and if left untreated, you'll basically just deteriorate overtime. i'm so sad. i got this because im forced to suffer the consequences of someone else's actions, that being my parents.

It's been 2 hours since you posted this but if it's any consolation I've been bawling my eyes out too trying to get myself together so I don't impulsively botch up a CTB... you did the right thing by reaching out here, its not the best time to CTB when we're feeling this way and everyone here is super nice and can chat with you while this passes. I'm in the same state of mind now so i can relate a bit.

yes i'm still crying as we speak, i'm here to chat for most of the night, i have nothing better to do. you aren't alone :)

 

[woxihuanni]

Dehydration sounds like a terrible method ;)

Ahah

 

[Aleksandra]

Reddit is full of immature kids who know nothing and angry/selfish/egoist adults who know nothing, and loads of intentional manipulation for politics and marketing, and it gets worse and worse. It's even more slewed that way than normal society. It's one of those worst places online to get a proper sample of humanity let alone find decent folks. Don't give that cross section power over you in any way.

Yeah this place is full of more empathy as a result of suffering. But it also slews toward the hopeless and negative in an unrealistic way...as is reasonable given what we have suffered. So you have to be aware and not let someone drag you down more as they try to deal with their own pain. It's easy to get swept away in it after finding a place you can be open.



Dehydration sounds like a terrible method ;)

yeah r/suicidewatch is a graveyard really. i've seen countless posts where people never post afterwards but no one really responds. i wasn't expecting many to reply to me here but i'm pleasantly surprised