Hey kids! I've been stalking the shit out of this board as a professional lurker now for months, and I think it's time to jump in the pool myself. Here are my reasons for being here:
1) I have to much to saaaaay: I'm really important, have bullet-proof opinions, and my mom says I'm really smart. I also love speak, write, and also hear myself talk and read what I write. Definitely not a narcissist; that's just what the silly internet says!
2) I'm a total piece of shit: in spite of my oral talents, or rather maybe because of them, I'm really not a good person. My family has little respect for me left, those who used to be my friends dumped me, and the love of my life said we're not at all compatible and is trying to forget about me, all while I'm cringing from missing her and the life we had together. She and everyone else left me mostly because of my own stupid actions, combined with some spectacularly bad luck. I also hate vegetables, Marvel AND Lord of things, working out, routines, companies, not doing drugs, and fucking cafes. I'm clearly not a worthy human. Me and my mom might think I talk good but at best I'm just much better at describing life than I am at living it.
3) No career: so yea, a couple of years ago I thought my life was perfect and I decided to dedicate myself to an artistic purpose...and then failed spectacularly. I just woke up and I'm like 42 and wasted 4 years telling people how famous I will be, doing opiates, and watching Tubi. Now I'm realizing that I should have like a profession and assets and stuff, and while that fit perfectly when I had a job or was gonna be a big star....that was half a decade ago. Now my career is fucked, and I've also realized that I generally suck at work in general. It's another reason said princess left me. :-(
4) I'm obsessed with suicide: goddamn I love the idea that I can just push an eject button... Yes, I might end up like Goose in Top Gun and fuck it up for no reason of my own (but seriously it would probably be my fault...), but I've been doing research for a year now and I think I've got a plan.
5) Did I mention I have a good plan?: I travel to South American countries that make cocaine often, and I speak Spanish. I'm also great at drugs (even better than I am at listening to myself talk)...so can anyone guess what my plan is, from one PPH reader to another...? ;-)
6) I need to talk to likely people: this suicide obsession probably isn't good for me, but it's even worse for those in my life. Seriously, talking about suicide freaks people out, and I still have enough braincells not to say things that will get me in too much trouble...yet I still trigger people left and right, and have even lost some friends by hinting at my views/plans. Another reason for losing my star crossed lover....or maybe it was just depression in general.
7) I need some friends: seriously, I'm thinking of getting a cat, but as much as I hear cats secretly want to kill you, I feel like he/she either will also be triggered by my suicide talk, be a bad listener, call the cops on me, or maybe all three. Did I mention that ex dream girl was also triggered by the thought of me getting a cat (it's not what you're thinking; she's not a mouse or a cockroach...just shares a couple cute traits with them)? Anyway, I need to connect with some other humans who think like I do.
8) Serious trauma: a very complex situation that I'll probably never describe here because it could give my identity away, and I might actually be Batman... though maybe I'll drop some hints as my ctb date gets closer and I start feeling all cozy with y'all. I'll just say I'm pretty fucked in the head at this point, without going into details. Hardcore PTSD with flashbacks and nightmares if I don't do enough drugs.
9) Lifelong depression: even when my life was perfect and felt like a video game I had won, I was somehow still depressed very often. I can't seem to make myself happy no matter what I do. I can only think of a couple times when I was, particularly during one period, but it was always pretty fleating. I don't think I'm made for this world. I've been thinking about ctb all my life, and seriously debated it a couple of times, but now it seems to make sense... because...
10) No way back: Ladies, gentleman, and everything in between..I.HAVE.FUCKED.UP.MY.LIFE. I had a great life at one point, very blessed, and then fate or baby Jesus or the Great Magnet or whatever just decided to slap me and piss down my throat, and not even in the sexy way. Life at one point really turned me on, then life turned on me, and I also turned my own life to shit with my lethargy, selfishness, autism, drug use, indecisiveness, poor diet, and need for feline company. Now, everything I might want to do that would make life worth living has shut it's doors, permanently, and I'm doomed to wander through my life while the ghosts of a former joyous existence haunt all those same spaces that we enjoyed together..and where I currently live. I've failed at everything, and fucked everything else up. There's nothing left for me, and I can't imagine ever possibly being happy again from where I am now.
11: Ummm I don't really like the way the world is going, and I'm not in a position to do anything about it, or even be a spectator...I'm just gonna keep getting kicked around and humiliated, it looks like. So yea...EJECT!!!
12) Body and brain are starting to die: I'm getting older, less fit, and my memory is starting to go. Even my pp is barely working, and that thing has been my guiding light for most of my life. Before that it was Ninja Turtles and they totally suck now. There doesn't seem to be many reasons to continue life and just keep getting older and watching everything die... including myself, only slowly, and on the terms of my health insurance plan...just doesn't seem appealing. I used to entertain the idea of having kids, but I'd need a partner for that, and I'm pretty sure I blew my only shot at that (see above). I also wouldn't feel right bringing a human into the world that a chronically failing loser like me would be responsible for. I'd totally fuck it up, probably worse than anything I have fucked up yet, and I wouldn't even feel right pushing the eject button at that point, so it would just be a spiral of failure, pain, and sadness for everyone, even my insurance plan. I can't even have a cat, so I probably shouldn't get myself a kid.
13) No fun to be had: all the things I used to love, I no longer enjoy. Sports, reading, video games, sex, drugs, family, guns, politics, cooking, movies, the beach, my art, Netflix, friends...all if it. Either it just lost its charm, is no longer possible, or in many cases just reminds me of how good those activities were in my old life when I had people to share them with...and help pay for them. Seriously... I can't figure out what to do that I enjoy anymore.
14) Don't believe in love anymore...at least not for me: the way my friends and family have changed in how they treat me, plus my break-up and going back to the dating scene, have all totally messed up my belief that finding love, in any capacity, is at all possible. The most important relationships I've ever felt have eroded due to...like every reason, and I no longer see love as an unbreakable bond, but rather an illusion that people have that eventually breaks down, leaving at least one person heartbroken. That, and my standards for romantic love are so specific that I don't think they're realistic...and even when I had the best fit, a lifelong commitment still didn't feel right...
15) Can't believe in anything actually: all the things I grew up believing in, from democracy to milk being healthy (if I knew it killed you, I would probably have drank more of it, just like cigarettes, alcohol, and microplastics) to my family's eternal ethics to aethiesm...all my beliefs are continuously being challenged, proven wrong, or even crushed like an orange in an aluminum can. My core beliefs haven't changed toooo much, but there's no longer much proof of them, and I find myself ideologically isolated, usually between two increasingly militant aides of every debate. I feel like a man without a country, like the poles have switched, but I still use the same compass...so yea, I'm lost.
That's me in a (large) nutshell. Just blowing off some insomnia steam, and looking forward to participating on threads, supporting people, and maybe helping them die...but in the good way! Nice to meet all of you and have a great day!
Also, we can gamify this if you put in your replies of which of these apply to you, or you relate to. Feel free to offer feedback or questions too.
1) I have to much to saaaaay: I'm really important, have bullet-proof opinions, and my mom says I'm really smart. I also love speak, write, and also hear myself talk and read what I write. Definitely not a narcissist; that's just what the silly internet says!
2) I'm a total piece of shit: in spite of my oral talents, or rather maybe because of them, I'm really not a good person. My family has little respect for me left, those who used to be my friends dumped me, and the love of my life said we're not at all compatible and is trying to forget about me, all while I'm cringing from missing her and the life we had together. She and everyone else left me mostly because of my own stupid actions, combined with some spectacularly bad luck. I also hate vegetables, Marvel AND Lord of things, working out, routines, companies, not doing drugs, and fucking cafes. I'm clearly not a worthy human. Me and my mom might think I talk good but at best I'm just much better at describing life than I am at living it.
3) No career: so yea, a couple of years ago I thought my life was perfect and I decided to dedicate myself to an artistic purpose...and then failed spectacularly. I just woke up and I'm like 42 and wasted 4 years telling people how famous I will be, doing opiates, and watching Tubi. Now I'm realizing that I should have like a profession and assets and stuff, and while that fit perfectly when I had a job or was gonna be a big star....that was half a decade ago. Now my career is fucked, and I've also realized that I generally suck at work in general. It's another reason said princess left me. :-(
4) I'm obsessed with suicide: goddamn I love the idea that I can just push an eject button... Yes, I might end up like Goose in Top Gun and fuck it up for no reason of my own (but seriously it would probably be my fault...), but I've been doing research for a year now and I think I've got a plan.
5) Did I mention I have a good plan?: I travel to South American countries that make cocaine often, and I speak Spanish. I'm also great at drugs (even better than I am at listening to myself talk)...so can anyone guess what my plan is, from one PPH reader to another...? ;-)
6) I need to talk to likely people: this suicide obsession probably isn't good for me, but it's even worse for those in my life. Seriously, talking about suicide freaks people out, and I still have enough braincells not to say things that will get me in too much trouble...yet I still trigger people left and right, and have even lost some friends by hinting at my views/plans. Another reason for losing my star crossed lover....or maybe it was just depression in general.
7) I need some friends: seriously, I'm thinking of getting a cat, but as much as I hear cats secretly want to kill you, I feel like he/she either will also be triggered by my suicide talk, be a bad listener, call the cops on me, or maybe all three. Did I mention that ex dream girl was also triggered by the thought of me getting a cat (it's not what you're thinking; she's not a mouse or a cockroach...just shares a couple cute traits with them)? Anyway, I need to connect with some other humans who think like I do.
8) Serious trauma: a very complex situation that I'll probably never describe here because it could give my identity away, and I might actually be Batman... though maybe I'll drop some hints as my ctb date gets closer and I start feeling all cozy with y'all. I'll just say I'm pretty fucked in the head at this point, without going into details. Hardcore PTSD with flashbacks and nightmares if I don't do enough drugs.
9) Lifelong depression: even when my life was perfect and felt like a video game I had won, I was somehow still depressed very often. I can't seem to make myself happy no matter what I do. I can only think of a couple times when I was, particularly during one period, but it was always pretty fleating. I don't think I'm made for this world. I've been thinking about ctb all my life, and seriously debated it a couple of times, but now it seems to make sense... because...
10) No way back: Ladies, gentleman, and everything in between..I.HAVE.FUCKED.UP.MY.LIFE. I had a great life at one point, very blessed, and then fate or baby Jesus or the Great Magnet or whatever just decided to slap me and piss down my throat, and not even in the sexy way. Life at one point really turned me on, then life turned on me, and I also turned my own life to shit with my lethargy, selfishness, autism, drug use, indecisiveness, poor diet, and need for feline company. Now, everything I might want to do that would make life worth living has shut it's doors, permanently, and I'm doomed to wander through my life while the ghosts of a former joyous existence haunt all those same spaces that we enjoyed together..and where I currently live. I've failed at everything, and fucked everything else up. There's nothing left for me, and I can't imagine ever possibly being happy again from where I am now.
11: Ummm I don't really like the way the world is going, and I'm not in a position to do anything about it, or even be a spectator...I'm just gonna keep getting kicked around and humiliated, it looks like. So yea...EJECT!!!
12) Body and brain are starting to die: I'm getting older, less fit, and my memory is starting to go. Even my pp is barely working, and that thing has been my guiding light for most of my life. Before that it was Ninja Turtles and they totally suck now. There doesn't seem to be many reasons to continue life and just keep getting older and watching everything die... including myself, only slowly, and on the terms of my health insurance plan...just doesn't seem appealing. I used to entertain the idea of having kids, but I'd need a partner for that, and I'm pretty sure I blew my only shot at that (see above). I also wouldn't feel right bringing a human into the world that a chronically failing loser like me would be responsible for. I'd totally fuck it up, probably worse than anything I have fucked up yet, and I wouldn't even feel right pushing the eject button at that point, so it would just be a spiral of failure, pain, and sadness for everyone, even my insurance plan. I can't even have a cat, so I probably shouldn't get myself a kid.
13) No fun to be had: all the things I used to love, I no longer enjoy. Sports, reading, video games, sex, drugs, family, guns, politics, cooking, movies, the beach, my art, Netflix, friends...all if it. Either it just lost its charm, is no longer possible, or in many cases just reminds me of how good those activities were in my old life when I had people to share them with...and help pay for them. Seriously... I can't figure out what to do that I enjoy anymore.
14) Don't believe in love anymore...at least not for me: the way my friends and family have changed in how they treat me, plus my break-up and going back to the dating scene, have all totally messed up my belief that finding love, in any capacity, is at all possible. The most important relationships I've ever felt have eroded due to...like every reason, and I no longer see love as an unbreakable bond, but rather an illusion that people have that eventually breaks down, leaving at least one person heartbroken. That, and my standards for romantic love are so specific that I don't think they're realistic...and even when I had the best fit, a lifelong commitment still didn't feel right...
15) Can't believe in anything actually: all the things I grew up believing in, from democracy to milk being healthy (if I knew it killed you, I would probably have drank more of it, just like cigarettes, alcohol, and microplastics) to my family's eternal ethics to aethiesm...all my beliefs are continuously being challenged, proven wrong, or even crushed like an orange in an aluminum can. My core beliefs haven't changed toooo much, but there's no longer much proof of them, and I find myself ideologically isolated, usually between two increasingly militant aides of every debate. I feel like a man without a country, like the poles have switched, but I still use the same compass...so yea, I'm lost.
That's me in a (large) nutshell. Just blowing off some insomnia steam, and looking forward to participating on threads, supporting people, and maybe helping them die...but in the good way! Nice to meet all of you and have a great day!
Also, we can gamify this if you put in your replies of which of these apply to you, or you relate to. Feel free to offer feedback or questions too.
