Venting Why I want to get married

[lavenderlilylies]

the idea of a strange man holding me or even getting close to me makes my skin crawl. The thought of putting a wedding together, making up conversations, pet names, sharing space, they all fill me up with so much dread.

Negotiating my beliefs, making compromises, having sex I won't enjoy and my world shattering if he wants more than the one baby I'm willing to commit the sin of giving birth to. That baby getting sick, hurt, heartbroken. I don't want any of it.

But I don't want to die alone. I don't want the pity stares or comments. I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life. I don't want everyone around me to get on with their lives while I stand alone, in the same room, frozen in time.

I do wish i were destined for a love filled life. To know someone, rather than sign a transactional agreement to play house with a forced smile. I am attracted to men, but thinking of my future with one makes me so disgusted I almost gag. But then, thinking of my future without one, that makes me want to die.

 

[quietism]

Yeah, marriage is pretty gross.

Why not try something more non-traditional? If it's being normal (and the common pitfalls of that) that scares you, why not be different? Of course the stigma sucks, but maybe it'd be better in the long run. I think making compromises is part of pretty much any social bond, but the rest of the things you listed are by no means mandatory.

Also- if those are all things you don't want, then what do you want? What would make you really happy?

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

Marriage doesn't guarantee that you won't die alone. There's a decent chance it ends in divorce, and if that doesn't happen he could die before you.

 

[Werewolf.]

I know exactly how you feel. I also want to get married, but the women in my culture; they all marry to have children. I really do not want any children. I just want to get married so I don't have to be lonely my entire life, but I've always been alone in my 29 years of life. Turning 30 this year. Perhaps I'll get a pet or something. I'll probably just end up killing myself if I don't find anyone, but at the same time I can't say I'm interested in anyone. I don't go on dating apps or anything. That said, I do have some women who really want to get married to me, but either they want to have children or I just feel like we're too different to the point we can't relate to one another on a fundamental level.

EDIT: Are you asexual or have germophobia/OCD? Because I'm getting those vibes, I have OCD myself and I'm also kind of asexual.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

Yeah, marriage is pretty gross.

Why not try something more non-traditional? If it's being normal (and the common pitfalls of that) that scares you, why not be different? Of course the stigma sucks, but maybe it'd be better in the long run. I think making compromises is part of pretty much any social bond, but the rest of the things you listed are by no means mandatory.

Also- if those are all things you don't want, then what do you want? What would make you really happy?

The only way for me to do something non-traditional is to sever ties with all my family members. That's something I don't want to do. While they are the reason I'm so inclined to put my wants aside, just to have a bit more freedom away from them. I still love them a lot and would want to still have a relationship with them.

They're also the reason I would prefer that life over ctb as a plan A. mostly to not hurt them, of course. But to not tarnish their reputation as well. It's something people care about a lot here, although I won't be affected being dead and all, I don't want them to suffer the consequences of my choice.

As for what I want, in isolation, the idea of never having a partner isn't a big deal to me. I'd be content living alone somewhere where I can be freely myself, then I'd be able to make true platonic connections that make me feel contentment. I'm not apposed to the idea of a romantic relationship, but I'd rather it happening naturally. Not as an arranged marriage.

Marriage doesn't guarantee that you won't die alone. There's a decent chance it ends in divorce, and if that doesn't happen he could die before you.

Definitely. I should clarify, people tend to, at least here, to get sucked into their marriage. What i meant by die alone is to be the only one left at my parents house (i can never move out on my own), and be forgotten there while everyone moves on with their lives, so I'd live an empty lonely life and die alone.

I will most likely die alone in my husbands house if I outlive him, which I'm fully aware of, but at least I'd "have created a family". And wasn't the girl who grew old in her childhood room. I must admit, while my feelings are of genuine fear of that being my reality, part of it is my ego, and caring too much about the way society will view me. I don't want people to pity me.

 

[quietism]

The only way for me to do something non-traditional is to sever ties with all my family members. That's something I don't want to do. While they are the reason I'm so inclined to put my wants aside, just to have a bit more freedom away from them. I still love them a lot and would want to still have a relationship with them.

They're also the reason I would prefer that life over ctb as a plan A. mostly to not hurt them, of course. But to not tarnish their reputation as well. It's something people care about a lot here, although I won't be affected being dead and all, I don't want them to suffer the consequences of my choice.

As for what I want, in isolation, the idea of never having a partner isn't a big deal to me. I'd be content living alone somewhere where I can be freely myself, then I'd be able to make true platonic connections that make me feel contentment. I'm not apposed to the idea of a romantic relationship, but I'd rather it happening naturally. Not as an arranged marriage.

Right, filial piety. Also sucks.

"I'd be content living alone somewhere where I can be freely myself" -- I wonder what that looks like for you. In some shack in a forest? Or more about having welfare without relying on others? Is there any chance you could make it work by talking to your family about what you really wanted? Or it's really impossible for that to ever happen with your family? You're the best judge of that, weighing up what's really important to you.

 

[Pluto]

 

[lavenderlilylies]

I know exactly how you feel. I also want to get married, but the women in my culture; they all marry to have children. I really do not want any children. I just want to get married so I don't have to be lonely my entire life, but I've always been alone in my 29 years of life. Turning 30 this year. Perhaps I'll get a pet or something. I'll probably just end up killing myself if I don't find anyone, but at the same time I can't say I'm interested in anyone. I don't go on dating apps or anything. That said, I do have some women who really want to get married to me, but either they want to have children or I just feel like we're too different to the point we can't relate to one another on a fundamental level.

EDIT: Are you asexual or have germophobia/OCD? Because I'm getting those vibes, I have OCD myself and I'm also kind of asexual.

I think your situation is very similar to mine. It's rare to come across people who don't want kids here as well. That's why I came to terms with the fact that i'll have to have kids in such a situation, although it isn't what I'd choose otherwise.

It's not that i dislike children and wouldn't want to raise them in an ideal world. But reality is far from ideal. So although it's my decision I'll carry the guilt for the rest of my life.

And no, I'm not diagnosed with anything. But to be honest I'm not sure where my feelings stem from or if they're rational or not.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

Right, filial piety. Also sucks.

"I'd be content living alone somewhere where I can be freely myself" -- I wonder what that looks like for you. In some shack in a forest? Or more about having welfare without relying on others? Is there any chance you could make it work by talking to your family about what you really wanted? Or it's really impossible for that to ever happen with your family? You're the best judge of that, weighing up what's really important to you.

It'd be nice to go anywhere far away from where I was born, where no one knows my roots. But that would never be possible. My family situation is actually a bit better than some, they wouldn't right out force me to do anything. But as i said, weighing my options, I'm better off getting married.

 

[particularrodent]

you really don't have to have kids if you don't want to... not wanting them and doing it anyway will only hurt them (and possibly pass on the desire to cbt). i'm also confused why you're willing to have one as a "sin" but not two...

pardon my additional interest/confusion in the fact that your pfp is kabukimono while saying you're willing to have an unwanted child

 

[lavenderlilylies]

you really don't have to have kids if you don't want to... not wanting them and doing it anyway will only hurt them (and possibly pass on the desire to cbt). i'm also confused why you're willing to have one as a "sin" but not two...

pardon my additional interest/confusion in the fact that your pfp is kabukimono while saying you're willing to have an unwanted child

While I don't want to bring a child into this world. I have the desire and will to raise kids. I know I'm capable of it, but i would prefer to pour all my energy into one and care for them the best I can.

I know my thought process is a bit confusing. But to me it's a negative thing to give birth to someone even if you do want them. That's why I refer to it as a sin. It's not that the child is unwanted, but our world is unfit for me to have them without guilt.

So if I wasn't set on the idea of marriage, or if i magically marry someone who doesn't want kids, I'll deal with never experiencing motherhood knowing that I did the moral thing (in my opinion). If I don't, I'll have the child I want, but at their expense, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to them.

And yeah, I didn't realize how ironic it is. I won't abandon my child if they don't live up to my expectations I promise.

 

[particularrodent]

While I don't want to bring a child into this world. I have the desire and will to raise kids. I know I'm capable of it, but i would prefer to pour all my energy into one and care for them the best I can.

I know my thought process is a bit confusing. But to me it's a negative thing to give birth to someone even if you do want them. That's why I refer to it as a sin. It's not that the child is unwanted, but our world is unfit for me to have them without guilt.

So if I wasn't set on the idea of marriage, or if i magically marry someone who doesn't want kids, I'll deal with never experiencing motherhood knowing that I did the moral thing (in my opinion). If I don't, I'll have the child I want, but at their expense, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to them.

And yeah, I didn't realize how ironic it is. I won't abandon my child if they don't live up to my expectations I promise.

"i don't want to bring a child into this world" --> "to me it's a negative thing to give birth to someone..." --> "I'll have the child I want, but at their expense..."

you have answered your own question many times, haven't you?

another thing, and this may sound rude, but it is necessary: why does it have to be all about you? why don't you care about your child enough to refrain from having them (if these are your feelings)? if you feel, no, know, that you're doing the wrong thing?

your child will know you feel guilty. they may not be totally conscious for a lot of their childhood, but it will affect them. they will know. this mindset is foolish, and under no circumstances is it moral to have one (when you feel this way). there is no such thing as "making it up to them," because parents cannot "save" their children from many things in life, and you'll never cure yourself of looking at your child and saying "i'm sorry for having you"

finally, adoption Very exists. why not care for someone who needs your "will and desire" who is already here? based on your feelings about having your own, this is your best and most "moral" bet.

and i'm glad to hear it

addition: i read your post again. aside from the topic of children, i understand everything you said.

i'm not dtf, ever, so i'll be alone forever. this is my pain, but i'm willing to bear it, because my convictions (as well as, yknow, my literal sexuality as an ace person) is stronger than any social expectation. yes, it's one of my reasons to ctb, one day, when it gets bad enough, but at least i will die having never contributed to such a fucked system of obligation and shallow, transactional relationships.

also if you dont enjoy sex you don't have to have it. do not offer yourself up to the altar of socially accepted rape, lmao. "i do it because he/she/they want it even if i don't" is... actually really fucking abnormal, even if it's passed down as "acceptable" !!!!!!!!!

 

[lavenderlilylies]

"i don't want to bring a child into this world" --> "to me it's a negative thing to give birth to someone..." --> "I'll have the child I want, but at their expense..."

you have answered your own question many times, haven't you?

another thing, and this may sound rude, but it is necessary: why does it have to be all about you? why don't you care about your child enough to refrain from having them (if these are your feelings)? if you feel, no, know, that you're doing the wrong thing?

your child will know you feel guilty. they may not be totally conscious for a lot of their childhood, but it will affect them. they will know. this mindset is foolish, and under no circumstances is it moral to have one (when you feel this way). there is no such thing as "making it up to them," because parents cannot "save" their children from many things in life, and you'll never cure yourself of looking at your child and saying "i'm sorry for having you"

finally, adoption Very exists. why not care for someone who needs your "will and desire" who is already here? based on your feelings about having your own, this is your best and most "moral" bet.

and i'm glad to hear it

addition: i read your post again. aside from the topic of children, i understand everything you said.

i'm not dtf, ever, so i'll be alone forever. this is my pain, but i'm willing to bear it, because my convictions (as well as, yknow, my literal sexuality as an ace person) is stronger than any social expectation. yes, it's one of my reasons to ctb, one day, when it gets bad enough, but at least i will die having never contributed to such a fucked system of obligation and shallow, transactional relationships.

also if you dont enjoy sex you don't have to have it. do not offer yourself up to the altar of socially accepted rape, lmao. "i do it because he/she/they want it even if i don't" is... actually really fucking abnormal, even if it's passed down as "acceptable" !!!!!!!!!

It is very selfish and unjustifiable. I know that. I've already came to terms with the fact that I'll be making a selfish decision. Even if that makes me a bad person in my own eyes — no not everyone who has kids is bad, I'm just too focused on the negatives of this world to think of having children as good.

Adoption isn't a choice here, it's not allowed for religious reasons.

I realize that I sound all sorts of selfish and stupid. I'm giving on to the pressure of social expectations and my own fear and ego. I'd rather bring a whole new human being than disappoint my family or "be alone". I'm also selfishly harming my potential husband, if i get married, he'd sign up for a loving, happy, and devoted wife only to get a woman that pretends to be all of those things. So everyone is harmed through my decision, not just unborn babies.

I have no idea whether i enjoy sex or not. It's just that the idea of having it with someone i doubt i'd come to love is disgusting.

 

[NonEssential]

I wouldn't want to be married, but to have at least one person outside of my family who likes/loves me would be pretty nice.

 

[particularrodent]

It is very selfish and unjustifiable. I know that. I've already came to terms with the fact that I'll be making a selfish decision. Even if that makes me a bad person in my own eyes — no not everyone who has kids is bad, I'm just too focused on the negatives of this world to think of having children as good.

Adoption isn't a choice here, it's not allowed for religious reasons.

I realize that I sound all sorts of selfish and stupid. I'm giving on to the pressure of social expectations and my own fear and ego. I'd rather bring a whole new human being than disappoint my family or "be alone". I'm also selfishly harming my potential husband, if i get married, he'd sign up for a loving, happy, and devoted wife only to get a woman that pretends to be all of those things. So everyone is harmed through my decision, not just unborn babies.

I have no idea whether i enjoy sex or not. It's just that the idea of having it with someone i doubt i'd come to love is disgusting.

you cannot complain about something and yet resign to participate in it. so that others do not suffer as a result of your outlook i hope you do not find a spouse

 

[lavenderlilylies]

you cannot complain about something and yet resign to participate in it. so that others do not suffer as a result of your outlook i hope you do not find a spouse

Haha valid