Breezy
Member
- Jun 30, 2019
- 9
My girlfriend of 3 years committed suicide 2 years ago. When I found her still alive I wish I took her gun out of her hand and shot myself so I could die with her. Life hasn't been the same since, and I think about death everyday.
Even before my girlfriend left, ever since I was a child I always thought about suicide. Life has just been filled with darkness and pain, rape and being subjected to child pornography. And even when I overcame all that with no support from my family, I still feel like a hallow she'll. like I've been living life on mute. I just watch the world spin in silence.
When I met my girlfriend, I felt like I saw the light. I've dated before been engaged, but it was different with her I knew she was the one. But I just idk. I've always had my guard up and been on survival mode since I was 7 years old. And now she came along, I didn't know how to put my walls down.
We were planning a life together, I was even close to finishing college. We were gonna open a joint private practice where I'd be a psychotherapist and she'd specialize in art therapy. I really felt like I was experiencing life and that I had such a wonderful future in place. But then we both had depression and suicide attempts in the past Before we dated. I didn't realize she was suicidal until it was too late.
Finding her was the most horrifying thing I've ever experienced in my life, and I've experienced some fucked up shit. She barricaded herself in her room, I had to ram myself in. When I finally did I didn't realize what happened cus I didn't have my glasses on. When I got closer I saw pills and assumed she took her pills and then I saw the gun and screamed. When I screamed her eyes opened. I will never forget that. I jumped in her bed and into a puddle of blood holding her screaming. I called 911 and as I'm calling she did a deep sigh, and went cold. She died in my arms.
After everything happened, a lot of people including my own friends that I did it! That I pulled the trigger on her cus I owned a gun. That was so hard to bare when I was already in so much pain, not showering for a week still with blood all over me. The detective ruled it out of course, they had video footage of her buying a gun at the pawn shop a few hours before she did it. But what was painful to hear is that it was ruled accidental. She intended to kill her self, but she pulled the trigger accidentally by flinching and she ended up shooting herself on the side of her neck.
I live with it everyday. I loved her more than I loved anyone in my life before, and I couldn't save her. I really wish I could've trade places with her. Ever since it happened I feel so different, life feels so heavy. I got kicked out of college, because I just couldn't handle going to class and doing my internship. Both my professor and internship coordinator were understanding and trying to help appeal my case so I can finish, but even with the proper documents and everything I couldn't fight it. I'm 27, unemployed, and barely hanging on. People tell me it gets better in time. But what the detective told me is that it doesn't get better, you just learn to live with it. I dont Want to live. I feel like I stopped living when she took her last breath.
Even before my girlfriend left, ever since I was a child I always thought about suicide. Life has just been filled with darkness and pain, rape and being subjected to child pornography. And even when I overcame all that with no support from my family, I still feel like a hallow she'll. like I've been living life on mute. I just watch the world spin in silence.
When I met my girlfriend, I felt like I saw the light. I've dated before been engaged, but it was different with her I knew she was the one. But I just idk. I've always had my guard up and been on survival mode since I was 7 years old. And now she came along, I didn't know how to put my walls down.
We were planning a life together, I was even close to finishing college. We were gonna open a joint private practice where I'd be a psychotherapist and she'd specialize in art therapy. I really felt like I was experiencing life and that I had such a wonderful future in place. But then we both had depression and suicide attempts in the past Before we dated. I didn't realize she was suicidal until it was too late.
Finding her was the most horrifying thing I've ever experienced in my life, and I've experienced some fucked up shit. She barricaded herself in her room, I had to ram myself in. When I finally did I didn't realize what happened cus I didn't have my glasses on. When I got closer I saw pills and assumed she took her pills and then I saw the gun and screamed. When I screamed her eyes opened. I will never forget that. I jumped in her bed and into a puddle of blood holding her screaming. I called 911 and as I'm calling she did a deep sigh, and went cold. She died in my arms.
After everything happened, a lot of people including my own friends that I did it! That I pulled the trigger on her cus I owned a gun. That was so hard to bare when I was already in so much pain, not showering for a week still with blood all over me. The detective ruled it out of course, they had video footage of her buying a gun at the pawn shop a few hours before she did it. But what was painful to hear is that it was ruled accidental. She intended to kill her self, but she pulled the trigger accidentally by flinching and she ended up shooting herself on the side of her neck.
I live with it everyday. I loved her more than I loved anyone in my life before, and I couldn't save her. I really wish I could've trade places with her. Ever since it happened I feel so different, life feels so heavy. I got kicked out of college, because I just couldn't handle going to class and doing my internship. Both my professor and internship coordinator were understanding and trying to help appeal my case so I can finish, but even with the proper documents and everything I couldn't fight it. I'm 27, unemployed, and barely hanging on. People tell me it gets better in time. But what the detective told me is that it doesn't get better, you just learn to live with it. I dont Want to live. I feel like I stopped living when she took her last breath.
