For a long time, I've been using BPD to justify my actions. While I never used it as an excuse, I always thought of it as the reason why I always do the most fucked up things, especially to myself. It's so much easier to blame it rather than blaming myself. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm mentally ill, so it's not entirely my fault. It's not me, it's the illness. Something is wrong with me and that's why I'm acting like this.
The truth is, I don't even have a diagnosis. All I have is a few years of researching it online and that's about it. Somehow I still believe I have it and that's why I'm "like this". But regardless if I have it or not, I'm truly a horrible person. I never even tried to see what's wrong with me, I mean actually going to a doctor. I dont have much money and most of the money I do have are from my parents. I just dont think it would be fair to burden them financially just because they got the misfortune of having an insane daughter. I've been a burden to them since the day I was born and to this day I have absolutely no idea how could anyone want children when there's a posibility that they could turn out like me or even worse. I should have been an abortion but I'm not blaming my parents, they didn't know what they're getting into.
Abd it's not just my parents. I act like this with everyone. I barely have any friends and it's all my fault. I've had friends, quite some. I've mostly been treated nicely by them. They would talk to me and invite me to go out with them even though I'm so fucking awkward that I can barely speak to anyone. I hate myself so much that I cant understand why anyone wouldn't. Also I'm just so delusional. I have such a hard time dealing with anything even slightly bad. For exemple if a friend doesn't text me back right away I always assume that that's it, they finally realised how bad I am and now they hate me. I start avoiding them. I'm nearly ghosting them because I believe that I'm nothing but an annoyance and they would be better off without me, and then I'm the one who is upset because they leave. I feel like that confirms what im thinking, that they hated me and they took the first oportunity to leave. I mean, obviously they are going to leave if I act like I no longer want them around. But yeah, my silly stupid brain doesn't work like that.
Then there's relationships, probably the thing I'm worst at. I dont know how or why but every single guy I've ever been with or talked to seriously has been so nice to me. I dont know if it's luck or anything. I'm young and somewhat pretty, so I get why people would want to talk to me. But what I dont get is why would anyone want to talk to me for more than a few days, weeks at most. At first it's easy to act "normal" but then it's so hard not to start an argument out of the most insignifiant things. I have some self control but not enough. If I do start an argument, I obviously feel bad later. After all, I've hurt them for no reason at all. I dont want anyone to be walking on eggshells around me. But if I don't, I slowly start to dislike them. I'll think that they dont care about me. They did that to me intentionally. They wanted me to suffer. Logically I know it's not the truth but I cant help it. It gets to a point where I just ghost them. I'll "leave them alone" because "they want to get rid of me". Thats why I hate myself so much. I've hurt countless good guys just because I'm such a selfish bitch. I hate how I somehow always end up talking to amazing people that treat me with nothing but kindness and I end up hurting them so much. I often wish I was abused with someone, just to feel like my abuse to them is justifiable. I hate how im like this and yet pretty much everyone is still kind to me.
Such people should not exist. I was born and there's nothing I could do about it right now. I should die, right? Believe me, I think this too, that's why I'm here. I've been here for over a year, I should have been dead by now. But I'm not and I hate it. I have all the information I could want, choose pretty much any method, and yet I still continue to hurt people year after year. I'm alive partly because of fear, but mostly because I'd also hurt people by dying. Imagine raising a child until adulthood, spending so much time on them, paying fot their education so they could give you a better life and in the end they die before they even get their first job. My parents wanted nearly half their lives raising a selfish bitch. Imagine loving someone so much, promising them their dream life. You do everything for them, you plan your entire life around them. They promise you at least 50 more years of loving you. And again, one day they just die. Like honestly what the hell is wrong with me. I hate nothing but myself for ever existing in this world.
The worst thing is.m, I still expect kindness. Despite all this. I love being held and told that it's not my fault for anything when it definitely is. Even whenbim trying my hardest to be good I'm still a horrible person yet i still expect people to feel bad for me. Please at this point just convince me to kill myself already
The truth is, I don't even have a diagnosis. All I have is a few years of researching it online and that's about it. Somehow I still believe I have it and that's why I'm "like this". But regardless if I have it or not, I'm truly a horrible person. I never even tried to see what's wrong with me, I mean actually going to a doctor. I dont have much money and most of the money I do have are from my parents. I just dont think it would be fair to burden them financially just because they got the misfortune of having an insane daughter. I've been a burden to them since the day I was born and to this day I have absolutely no idea how could anyone want children when there's a posibility that they could turn out like me or even worse. I should have been an abortion but I'm not blaming my parents, they didn't know what they're getting into.
Abd it's not just my parents. I act like this with everyone. I barely have any friends and it's all my fault. I've had friends, quite some. I've mostly been treated nicely by them. They would talk to me and invite me to go out with them even though I'm so fucking awkward that I can barely speak to anyone. I hate myself so much that I cant understand why anyone wouldn't. Also I'm just so delusional. I have such a hard time dealing with anything even slightly bad. For exemple if a friend doesn't text me back right away I always assume that that's it, they finally realised how bad I am and now they hate me. I start avoiding them. I'm nearly ghosting them because I believe that I'm nothing but an annoyance and they would be better off without me, and then I'm the one who is upset because they leave. I feel like that confirms what im thinking, that they hated me and they took the first oportunity to leave. I mean, obviously they are going to leave if I act like I no longer want them around. But yeah, my silly stupid brain doesn't work like that.
Then there's relationships, probably the thing I'm worst at. I dont know how or why but every single guy I've ever been with or talked to seriously has been so nice to me. I dont know if it's luck or anything. I'm young and somewhat pretty, so I get why people would want to talk to me. But what I dont get is why would anyone want to talk to me for more than a few days, weeks at most. At first it's easy to act "normal" but then it's so hard not to start an argument out of the most insignifiant things. I have some self control but not enough. If I do start an argument, I obviously feel bad later. After all, I've hurt them for no reason at all. I dont want anyone to be walking on eggshells around me. But if I don't, I slowly start to dislike them. I'll think that they dont care about me. They did that to me intentionally. They wanted me to suffer. Logically I know it's not the truth but I cant help it. It gets to a point where I just ghost them. I'll "leave them alone" because "they want to get rid of me". Thats why I hate myself so much. I've hurt countless good guys just because I'm such a selfish bitch. I hate how I somehow always end up talking to amazing people that treat me with nothing but kindness and I end up hurting them so much. I often wish I was abused with someone, just to feel like my abuse to them is justifiable. I hate how im like this and yet pretty much everyone is still kind to me.
Such people should not exist. I was born and there's nothing I could do about it right now. I should die, right? Believe me, I think this too, that's why I'm here. I've been here for over a year, I should have been dead by now. But I'm not and I hate it. I have all the information I could want, choose pretty much any method, and yet I still continue to hurt people year after year. I'm alive partly because of fear, but mostly because I'd also hurt people by dying. Imagine raising a child until adulthood, spending so much time on them, paying fot their education so they could give you a better life and in the end they die before they even get their first job. My parents wanted nearly half their lives raising a selfish bitch. Imagine loving someone so much, promising them their dream life. You do everything for them, you plan your entire life around them. They promise you at least 50 more years of loving you. And again, one day they just die. Like honestly what the hell is wrong with me. I hate nothing but myself for ever existing in this world.
The worst thing is.m, I still expect kindness. Despite all this. I love being held and told that it's not my fault for anything when it definitely is. Even whenbim trying my hardest to be good I'm still a horrible person yet i still expect people to feel bad for me. Please at this point just convince me to kill myself already
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