deadlemonade
jack
- Oct 19, 2023
- 27
It seems to me that no matter how apparent and obvious I make my suffering no one will listen. my father tries but misses the mark so often it's infuriating because he insists on inserting himself when all it'll do is no good. when he found out i've been starving myself (or atleast trying to because im such a fatass) All he told me was that doing that will make me fatter. is that not extremely insensitive? am I the irrational one for then deciding that you are not a safe person to go to when i'm in need?
Especially when I was feeling down he'd emailed my therapist saying we'd take a break against my will. And she hasn't even messaged me once. it's been about a month since i've last talked to her and i've known her since i was 15 and im 18 currently. doesn't that just suck. the only adult in my life who i'd thought cared about me just disappeared without a trace. i fell for the old "thinking a therapist cares about you is the equivalent of thinking the stripper loved you." and I guess im just naive but isn't that a shame.
None of my online friends seem to care about me. Which again makes me feel ridiculous because who would? I always wear my heart on my sleeve when talking to people online and I just feel so isolated when all of my friends online are so close knit with each other. Genuinely no one likes me. Not my very brief friendships from college. Not my family because they are so caught up in their own depression and misery they can't even begin to help mine. Not my ex-friend of 8 years who i had to let go because she lead me on and made me feel so bad all the time more often than not. I often think about texting her back because she left me a message recently. I'm so desperate for a friend nowadays… I really wish i just had someone to talk to.
i try to enjoy life by exploring california with my dad but so often I just… see other people with their friends and wish that was me. I went to malibu by myself and was so jealous of other people… Is it me? Do i just Look wrong? do i talk wrong? Am i wrong? why do i feel like I Am wrong all the time? everything i feel is wrong everything i do is wrong. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. If i killed myself tonight. Would anyone besides my immediate family know? No.
i often fantasize about a life abroad. to finally fulfill the dream of being someone else, anyone else.
i just wish for someone to talk to me and be my friend. I more than ever wish i just had a friend by my side. i'd wish i had a friend to drive around with me in my car. we'd relax at the beach or get coffee and go to a record shop. Just anything to make me feel alive.
Especially when I was feeling down he'd emailed my therapist saying we'd take a break against my will. And she hasn't even messaged me once. it's been about a month since i've last talked to her and i've known her since i was 15 and im 18 currently. doesn't that just suck. the only adult in my life who i'd thought cared about me just disappeared without a trace. i fell for the old "thinking a therapist cares about you is the equivalent of thinking the stripper loved you." and I guess im just naive but isn't that a shame.
None of my online friends seem to care about me. Which again makes me feel ridiculous because who would? I always wear my heart on my sleeve when talking to people online and I just feel so isolated when all of my friends online are so close knit with each other. Genuinely no one likes me. Not my very brief friendships from college. Not my family because they are so caught up in their own depression and misery they can't even begin to help mine. Not my ex-friend of 8 years who i had to let go because she lead me on and made me feel so bad all the time more often than not. I often think about texting her back because she left me a message recently. I'm so desperate for a friend nowadays… I really wish i just had someone to talk to.
i try to enjoy life by exploring california with my dad but so often I just… see other people with their friends and wish that was me. I went to malibu by myself and was so jealous of other people… Is it me? Do i just Look wrong? do i talk wrong? Am i wrong? why do i feel like I Am wrong all the time? everything i feel is wrong everything i do is wrong. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. If i killed myself tonight. Would anyone besides my immediate family know? No.
i often fantasize about a life abroad. to finally fulfill the dream of being someone else, anyone else.
i just wish for someone to talk to me and be my friend. I more than ever wish i just had a friend by my side. i'd wish i had a friend to drive around with me in my car. we'd relax at the beach or get coffee and go to a record shop. Just anything to make me feel alive.
