why does anything matter

[demoniaflor]

i have lost all motivation for anything. my family doesn't even notice how much pain i am in. i hate breathing. it literally burns my chest when i realize i cannot stop. i have attempted in so many ways. hanging myself. it did not end well. i had bruises for weeks. my mom never noticed. i tried overdosing on xanax. i thought i would just die in my sleep from taking so many. it did nothing but make me vomit for hours. i tried drowning and my survival instinct kicked in. i tried slitting my wrist and i lost so much blood but it just did not kill me. i feel like nothing can kill me. i had so much hope when i started dating my partner. after she cheated on me. well i thought it was what i deserved. i feel like a horrible person. i just want to point a gun to my head and pull the trigger. i hate myself so much. i couldn't even kill myself properly. i hope people realize how shitty they really are. no one is ever doing anything out of plain genuine love. everyone is selfish asf. my parents hate me. my mom blames me for her emotions. says she cant leave my home with my father because of me. i never asked to be here. ive tried my hardest to take her burden of a child out and nothing works. my partner hates me because i am so insecure. i wish everyone would leave me df alone. i want to be alone. maybe if i ruin all my relations i will have the courage to leave. i know darkness would be so much more happy. being on my own. i could feel how precious the silence is. i can taste it. its so close. i just need to find a way to do it. please someone help. im too much of a bitch. help me find peace

 

[Inactive User]

Thank you for sharing. Are you in a situation where you're forced to live with parents, or are there relatives/friends of yours you could stay with? Abusive or manipulative parents can weigh on one a lot and contribute to poor mental health, slowly breaking down self worth. If it is possible to get away from them, you may be able to find peace without CTB and rebuild your trust in others. Wish you the best

 

[scarecrowbubu]

Thank you for sharing. I can feel the anger and desperation in your words. I'm sad to read what you've been through. It feels like you've been pushed to this point by what is around you. I feel like you should now take control and do what you really feel is right. You mentioned that maybe being alone will help you. As bad as it might seem maybe it will help you blow your steam off and reset and do what's best for yourself. Only you know. You have all the answers within you. May you find the peace you are looking for.❤

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so horrible going through all those failed attempts and it's certainly so awful how humans just create so much suffering in this hellish world, you cannot rely on people and it disgusts me how people cruelly force life here in the first place just to treat that person so badly. Existing here certainly can be so torturous and of course it's true that there is no peace to be found in this world, I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[demoniaflor]

Thank you for sharing. Are you in a situation where you're forced to live with parents, or are there relatives/friends of yours you could stay with? Abusive or manipulative parents can weigh on one a lot and contribute to poor mental health, slowly breaking down self worth. If it is possible to get away from them, you may be able to find peace without CTB and rebuild your trust in others. Wish you the best

Thank you so much. I'm genuinely trying so hard. I want ctb to be my last option. I really have no other choice but to live with my parents. As of right now i try to give myself distance between myself and the toxic people in my life. i then find myself separating myself from everyone including my partner. It's like a never ending cycle.