Why do you want to kill yourself?

[fatladysings]

I hear voices and the antipsychotic I'm on dampens them down a bit but doesn't take them away. I'm fed up with them and want to die.

The other big reason for me to ctb is that I have to live on benefits because my schizoaffective disorder stops me from getting a job. When my mum dies I will no longer be able to afford to keep the house warm. I've just spoke about this is another post so I'm sorry for the repetition but I don't want to live a life where I can't afford nice little treats now and again like a nice cup of coffee in a cafe, or an interesting book. I will not live a life like that and that's why I'm determined to succeed at ctb'ing.

 

[AmIForReal]

When I was younger I just acted as I was programmed. Only the last 5 years I came gradually aware of my program. Each problem is a thread. I now (at 51) can see the full web that has entangled me from a young age. I just don't see me getting out of this one.

 

[outrider567]

long time girlfriend died suddenly, 2.5 years ago

 

[27ClubSoon]

I've lost everything I cherished and there is no way to get it back. I live a pale imitation of my former life. I'm just waiting for the right moment to CTB so it doesn't look suspicious to those who I have left.

 

[LunarLight]

My brain does not work correctly and tortures me, it keeps me from enjoying life. I'm actually kind of a pro-lifer because I think life is worth living in general, but mine is not.

 

[LionBoy]

there's no urgency. I just see no hope, and I want my mental suffer to stop

 

[greeneyedgirl]

Bad social anxiety. I've tried hypnotism, positive thinking, medication. I'm sick of always feeling anxious and uncomfortable. I just want to be relaxed and at ease like everyone else I see. My two brothers have died and I want to see them again. Just feel yes people will miss me but they will get on with their lives and I want to be free from my anxiety disorder.

 

[Nikitatos]

Can't pay my bills. Awful health. Deep state life destruction program. Everywhere I look there's a dead end waiting.

 

[Little_Suzy]

Most of us do not want to kill ourselves. Suicidal ideation is a symptom of our mental illness. Our mental illnesses are incurable and as deadly as cancer.

 

[uniqueusername4]

I have ADHD and it makes it incredibly difficult to form/maintain relationships with people. I have been depressed since I was a child and feel like an alien compared to others. I have tried so many things to treat my mental health from various prescriptions to TMS and nothing has helped me. I feel like I am just not supposed to be here and I can't find a reason for the suffering because our existence is so nonsensical. I feel like there is absolutely nothing that would make life worth living.

 

[VoidedExistence]

Because I can't survive in this world. I am too much of a baby to go out into the world and interact with people and world, so I can't earn to survive. I gotta die.

 

[LostSoul524]

I'm just so tired and beat down by life. I have wished that I was never born for since I was teenager and now I'm early 40s. I have tried so many things to try to feel better and nothing works. I just want out

 

[peaceandlove]

Personally, I think that life inherently has no meaning, and as uniquely conscious beings, it's our purpose to give meaning to this world, this life. Yet, so much evil exists. I guess what I'm trying to say is... other people are why I don't want to be here? Or seeing surrender to evil all around me? Being alone in seeing truth? But I'm not alone here.
*all of US, myself included

 

[potatocube]

It feels like whatever I do is just mimicking others, living through their lives. Life to me is complying all kinds of expectations. Yet I've never put myself first. Sadly don't know how. It feels like gradually I've lost control of my body, like I'm just a shadow. By getting tickets to ctb, I finally get to make a decision according my own will.

 

[Defenestration]

My Mental illness and illness of my mother

 

[Gangrel]

Mental illness, guilt for being a bad person in the past, shitty life.

 

[hopscotch]

haven't got much else to do . i don't see a way for my happiness to be compatible to the way the world works . not sure i'll ever taking that step considering i'm still here but that's more out of cowardice than a zeal for life . i'm not very happy day to day

 

[excinephile]

I was already struggling, then psych meds destroyed my brain. Now I'm in hell and can't find the courage to end it.

 

[LionBoy]

I was already struggling, then psych meds destroyed my brain. Now I'm in hell and can't find the courage to end it.

how so?

 

[iva-J]

I don't have as good of reasons as everyone else here, so I feel a little bad posting but here goes:

My husband of 14 years, who I have been with since I was freshly 18, decided to leave our marriage. I have no desire to continue the things I was working on without him. Everything in my life that I worked for, that I built for, that I planed for....all of it was demolished in an instant. I have no agency or power in this anymore. I did, in the past. I could have tried fixing the issues instead of letting them fester. I could have tried harder.

But I didn't. I'm not delusional enough to believe I hold all of the blame, but I do know I hold a significant amount of it. A lot of it is my fault, a decent chunk of it is his. But at the end of the day. He doesn't love me as a partner anymore, he doesn't want me the way I want him. That reality is not one I can abide. I want to end things but I don't know how to do it to cause the least amount of harm yet.

 

[tojifushiguro]

life is so meaningless

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

I hate the way existence works. Physics, biology, human culture...all of it. Thats why there's nothing any therapy could fix for me, I just don't like life itself in a fundamental way. Even being happy is basically just the short fulfillment of a deprivation, like eating food, it feels so unnatural to me, every action we perform is done to satisfy some desire, not for the sake of the action itself, but to scratch that itch again and again until death, its horrible to me.

 

[Gstreater]

It's slowly components over the years. First it was me being manipulated sexually by my brother when i was around ten, my grandmother's suicide, my uncle's death from an overdose after coming back from the military, not being able to go to his funeral because his family didn't want us there, culminating in me trying to get therapy and opening up just for it to be the cause of why the one person I loved split away from me. I'm tired of fighting of getting back up and trying.

 

[sugarb]

CTB will let me escape from my issues, which are probably severe enough on their own, but that's not the biggest reason. Mostly I just want something more than the world has to offer

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I'm lonely, but I just bring misery to those around me. Hence, I need to die.

 

[themummyreturns]

BPD mixed with limerence, everything / anything good is in my past…

 

[excinephile]

how so?

PSSD, cognitive decline, chronified depression, neurological damage. Anything that could go wrong with psymeds in fact went wrong.

 

[Zecko]

I wanna know your stories to what led you to come to a permanent solution. + I wanna see if it compares to my reason to ctb

I believe that every person can decide for themselves when their life is no longer worth living. No one should have to justify their decision to leave. We are all born into this world without being asked. So no one has the right to expect, criticize or judge reasons for a CTB

 

[wildflowers1996]

self-hatred in so many ways
always feeling guilty
knowing others are suffering
finding everything pointless and boring

 

[Tired_of_myself]

Life sucks