why do you want to ctb?

[hi-okbye]

what's your reason? even if it's something you think is meaningless or small, share it :)

 

[Mistiie]

I either have ASD, a slew of mental disorders that actively ruin my life, or I'm just incapable of socialising because I'm immature and behind my peers. All 3 are reasons why I think I should CTB. No matter what the reason, it's evident that I'm a defective person and it's my belief that defective people shouldn't keep living if their lives are bad, because chances are they'll never get better.

 

[edu0z]

I have wanted to do it since I can remember (10-11 years), my brain after so many years has become accustomed to having that "escape route"... even if I have a good reason to do it or not, I will always have want to do it. There are days when you are simply tired, or nothing is happening, but you still feel an urgent need to do it.

 

[hi-okbye]

I either have ASD, a slew of mental disorders that actively ruin my life, or I'm just incapable of socialising because I'm immature and behind my peers. All 3 are reasons why I think I should CTB. No matter what the reason, it's evident that I'm a defective person and it's my belief that defective people shouldn't keep living if their lives are bad, because chances are they'll never get better.

i relate to this a lot. it ruins my life, i'm so sorry your going through that. I also feel pretty defective and like i just don't belong here. sending love <3

 

[HollowDrop]

I'm useless, worthless, tired of my mind breaking apart at the smallest things. Every time I speak I am filled with shame and guilt for saying anything. I'm tired of being here.

 

[Kessa]

To be perfectly honest I'm not sure, I'm just bored I guess, there's no real mean to my life, neither do I care about it for the most part, things that used to be fun aren't anymore, things that I liked to do aren't as fulfilling as they used to, I changed city recently and it's a whole new world, my friends aren't here, I feel really alone even though I'm really not, I've also become angry at the world, I just hate people in general, there are some people that are just neutral to me, like if they died I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't be neither happy or sad, I just wouldn't care, there's some people that I'd personally go and kill if I could, and there's some people that I'd give my entire life for, overall my reasons for wanting to CTB are pretty vague, even for me, I don't really understand, I'm just so unbelievably mad and bored, I believe that CTB is the way, but then there's my mother, I couldn't do that to her, it frustrates me, I just can't bring myself to doing it, I know my life isn't that bad, I just can't handle it, I feel like in a way it makes me a coward because there's people that have had it much worse than me, but I just can't settle down with life, so this (CTB) is mostly a desire rather than an "option" at least not right now.

Anyways if you read all that then thanks!! It means a lot to me just to be heard by people that won't treat me like an idiot.

 

[sad_rock]

my mental health has not been great and i cant bear seeing myself go even more progressively downhill from my condition. I had a traumatic experience with psychosis which will likely worsen in the future. for my own sake, i rather end it now than see myself suffer more.
it sucks that i was hopeful of finally feeling alive after leaving an abusive childhood but the mental scars remain. i personally would give life a chance again but not in the one im living in right now.
i just feel so defeated by everything that even death has become my comfort when all has failed.

 

[Smelly_ballz]

Humans are so cruel to any living being. We are so self centered. Every action I take enables evil. I also bring nothing to society to make it better. I waste space. I can't get myself to even do the most basic of tasks, such as getting into/out of bed and brushing my teeth. How can I make the world a better place if I am paralyzed from my mental issues? I am incompetent at everything, whether because I am too tired to comprehend it at that time or just straight up stupid. Since I am autistic, I can barely even talk or do tasks outside of my depression. I can't do this anymore. I'm so so exhausted. I'm in pain; I am suffering. Life is pain. I obsess over my death to cope. There are more reasons but I don't think any one will want to read something so long. The only reason I haven't CTB'd yet is because my lover wants to get engaged soon. After that, I'm done. I don't know if I can last that long.

 

[兎の耳]

I look in the mirror each day and see myself getting older. I know I can never be the woman I am in my mind and the chance to even be the most attractive transwoman I can be is rapidly slipping away. The dysphoria has gotten so bad I cry when I look in the mirror sometimes. I was so excited when I managed to get a prescription for HRT, but now I just feel awful. It feels like I'm fighting a war on two fronts against aging and my dysphoria.

People say trans people do it for attention, but I don't want attention. I don't want to be trans. I'd give anything to just be a normal woman and be able to have a normal relationship with a nice man. This hurts. Every day it hurts more. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

[permanently tired]

what's your reason? even if it's something you think is meaningless or small, share it :

I failed myself. All the hatred I have towards life and society is partially my fault. Sometimes I think if I tried a little harder or gotten the help I needed to do something in life maybe I wouldn't have ended up this way. My choices were ultimately my undoing even if society didn't give me many to begin with.

 

[DeecyTee]

what's your reason? even if it's something you think is meaningless or small, share it :)

It feels like I only exist to get hurt and then hurt other people, even if I don't mean to. I don't really have any good reason to exist, the people in my life would be emotionally and financially better off.

 

[f1berz]

I have some reason but I also don't know why sometimes, like right now it's school. I have been having nightmares of school because I'm so stressed about it I haven't missed a single day of it too because I'm too scared to and I don't know what to email my teachers when I'm out and everything is so complicated and confusing and tiring at one point I just cried for a full hour in class I can't take it anymore there is so much pressure on me I can't take it. I tried taking to people and it made it worst.
Everyday I have been hoping to fall asleep and never wake up but I also do want to wake up so I don't know anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

Because I see it as always preferable to eternally not exist, all that I wish for is a permanent release from all suffering. Existence is nothing more than a harmful imposition, there is no benefit in existing as a conscious being who is burdened with the ability to suffer endlessly, I see it as better that existence is erased and forgotten about, to me it only feels rational wishing for death.

 

[Anonymus]

Well at present (maybe I argued something different in the past, I don't know) because my path has ended a long time ago and all I have to do is wait to die naturally. And just thinking about letting the days go by without being able to do anything but watch my deterioration until I die makes me literally sick, makes me suffer. So I just want the CTB to put an end to it all and finally be able to rest.

//

Doncs actualment (potser he argumentat alguna cosa diferent en el passat, no ho se pas) perqué el meu camí s'ha acabat fa temps i només em queda que esperar a morir-me de forma natural. I només de pensar en deixar passar els dies sense poder fer res més que observar el meu deteriorament fins a morir em fa posar literalment malalt, em fa patir. Així que només vull el CTB per posar fí a tot plegat i poder descansar per fí.

 

[daydreams]

It's a relief

 

[F@#$]

For one I'm just miserable,always.Have wanted to die for years. Now it's becoming a "retirement plan". I've wasted my life there's no golden years I only see existence getting steadily worse.I have nobody to stick around for. Eventually I'll reach my breaking point and just go.

 

[needrelief18]

Feelings of emptiness and emotional torment which never go away due to NPD/BPD. Cannot connect with others and several financial and personal catastrophes have led to a worthless life in my mid 40s.

 

[donehere24]

I'm strongly suspected asd and I have no close friends or any emotional support due to social struggles so I'm just perpetually lonely. On top of that none of the options for my future look any good, jobs burn me out instantly and I can't just be unemployed because of housing costs.

 

[ToTheEgress]

I can't remember ever feeling that good, and I feel like I'm just getting deeper and deeper into a dead end. Not sure if I will do it since my life might get better soon, but I guess I'll know for sure by next summer. Summer is probably a better time for me to utilize the methods I've planned on using in either case, and I'll be way more likely to have time in my family's house while the rest of my family is away, in case I'll end up using the charcoal method.

 

[BlazingBob]

Declining health including torturous chronic pain, horrible sleep issues, chronic unrelenting exhaustion, financial ruin, inevitable homelessness, no family, traumatic childhood, slew of mental disorders, painful loneliness and isolation, abusive living situation. I've also always been a societal misfit, problems holding down jobs, never been a fully independent adult. Just an all around fuck up. A better question is why would I not ctb.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Big failure in life and recovery almost impossible therefore the future may become even worse than it is now already.

 

[hanz]

Theres a lot wrong with my life but I think it comes down to loneliness. As a child I was always alone as I moved a lot and had a hard time forming friendships. Then as a preteen and teen I was bullied and secluded...just constant rejection from adults, boys, and potential friends. As a young adult people used me for money or favors. I had a chunk of change from a life insurance inheritance you see...But within a few years I ran through it. They all left as soon as they couldn't use me anymore.

Now as a thirty something year old I've managed to feel alone whether people try to know me or not. It's like my mind is somewhere far away that no one can reach. And few ever try. After so much pain and rejection my brain decided it was better to sequester ourselves. At first I suppose it helped to cope but now? Sometimes I feel the loneliness so strong out of nowhere that it's paralyzing. It hurts and I'm just exhausted from it.

 

[Heading to Darkness]

in all honesty i forget original reasons as a while ago, i just know that every year nothing gets better and I am exhausted and fed up feeling like everything is a battle to lose
as you know my bus is tomorrow and i'm feeling more nervous the nearer it gets, its fear of failing not the ending itself

 

[LeperGnome]

Mental Illness. I tried white knuckling, therapy, tons of medication, self-help, drugs, alcohol... At some point you just have to admit defeat.

 

[Soylent]

My health condition, I'm tired of making efforts and being treat like shit from life. Until 9 months ago despite having many health problems I used willingness to fight back, I even avoided surgery and medications. I was an athlete, in bodybuilding and calisthenics, very strong, very good looking, very proud. Now I look like shit, I'm kind of disable in my eyes, can't do what I used to do, and in pain. I look in the mirror and all so see is a shell of me … I dream of the past, I dream of the futur I wanted before. I'm very very sad, lonely, and can't see any benefit for me to stay in that life. But I can't kill myself, SI is too strong (well I did not choose the easiest methods : jumping) and I hate that. I don't fantasize suicide, I don't want it. I want my past life but I can't. Of course I'm in depression but my desire of quitting this life is more a logical (if that make sens) reflexion than a emotional reaction.

 

[kilowatt]

I hate that question because I feel like my reasoning is not good enough. I am weak, I can simply not keep going.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I've been troubled since I was 16 years old and I only held on this long is because I tried to make the best of life. I've came to the conclusion that there's nothing in life that'll make me happy unless I'm high and drunk. So the reason I want to CTB is to free myself from this world.

 

[wastingpotential]

My life has been crushed and ruined by almost every adult that touched it in my younger years, i feel like a shell of what i was ever meant to be and achieve.
Can't get justice, can't get help, when i do get help nothing changes because the reason i ever went to therapy was because the people around me didn't and that damaged me more.
I lost my apartment, best friends, more friends, my family is damaged and my cats, who felt like the only family i ever had) are now dead.
That's a small semi-summarized bit of it all.
Cheers!

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Declining health including torturous chronic pain, horrible sleep issues, chronic unrelenting exhaustion, financial ruin, inevitable homelessness, no family, traumatic childhood, slew of mental disorders, painful loneliness and isolation, abusive living situation. I've also always been a societal misfit, problems holding down jobs, never been a fully independent adult. Just an all around fuck up. A better question is why would I not ctb.

It's horrible the things that can happen to a human or other sentient animal in life. If people knew even 1/1000 th of the things I foud out about how bad life can get the would never have children.

 

[L9 CHOCOSYRUP]

what's your reason? even if it's something you think is meaningless or small, share it :)

My story is extremely long and I have a large list of mental illnesses and similar conditions both developed from childhood and genetic - the dominant ones being ASD, ADHD, OCD, atypical bipolar and psychosis disorder/schizophrenia.

Growing up early, I tended to be a more talkative kid - but I was constantly told that I was annoying from an extremely young age and told to shut up or be quiet and I eventually got to the point when I was around 14 that I would barely speak except when spoken to or when something really bothered me.
My mental health deteriorated rapidly from around just 11 and continues to the modern day - I am currently 18.

Even while taking treatment for my conditions, I still seemingly cant help but be hated and suffer for no reason. I had been neglected by parents and friends and I never understood why. I was always quiet so I couldn't have harmed anyone.

I don't know, but yea, that's why.