Why do you want to CTB? Also a poll

[Fangarina]

oh god, bpd is fucking awful. it robs you of everything. and on top of it everyone sees you as a monster. and its so hard to get even one person to understand and even if they do the emotional effects remain present. logic cant always beat out the heart. it hurts so much.. :')

Agree entirely. I have stayed in abusive relationships longer than I should have because the abandonment side of it holds strong, I have a wild trauma bond to my abusive ex who even now I'd welcome him home if he asked despite everything he done to me. He spent a lot of our years gaslighting and manipulating my BPD and blamed that for everything that went wrong.
I have burned valuable relationships to the ground, I am known for being confrontational, for not being able to see past things, splitting - all the negative things but never the good things.
It's like a constant tsunami, and it's draining. I have said firmly that I won't be here for my next big birthday - and I'm sticking to that plan.

 

[HopeToStay]

Life was pretty crap and at the age of nearly 40 i have nothing to show for myself, mostly due to BDD and the impact COVID/Lockdown being very costly for me in numerous areas (romantic, financial and career-wise)

But it wasn't until the current health scare i'm going through that i seriously thought about ending it. I will be having an operation soon and i hope that is going to fix it. But if it doesn't then there's no point me going on as my quality of life in 10 years time will be dreadful and the symptoms remind me of it every waking hour.

There's no point fighting to rebuild my life if i have no future.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've personally never wished for existence and never would do no matter what, to me existence itself just feels like a terrible tragedy that just causes endless amounts of harm and suffering and I just don't want to suffer in any way, I just want peace instead, I only want to never exist again. Personally I find it so horrific how there is no limit as to how much one can suffer in this existence that can continue for so long just to be tortured and tormented by old age, in my case simply just being conscious is a painful burden, I find existing to be deeply undesirable in general.

 

[DanielDanDean]

Life sucks when you're a normal human being and more so when you're young and middle/lower class
My own life is so much filled with shitty things that happened to me that I took drugs to avoid the pain before my 16th birthday and dissociate from it.
I finally managed to have a life that wasn't happy (and a little boring) but I'm now in a dead end relationship bordering DV and I can't really escape my "girlfriend", my father (an asshole whom I should have cut all ties with at my 18th birthday as I was supposed to do) is on her side.
Nobody is on my side and I'm just a fool for thinking I could have friends or someone who loved me, I should never have opened to anyone.

 

[lastch]

For me, I lost everything after a breakdown a few months ago. Friends, work, college, I even struggle to be around family because they all look at me a certain way and I hate it. My parents have told me I frighten them and they don't know how to deal with me.

 

[Leiot]

Pain and regrets.

My life looks good on paper: I retired at 45 and have an income and health care for the rest of my life. (I'm in the US; health care is a big IF here)

What it's really like: I've been in chronic pain for 39 years today. I retired because I couldn't work any more and had to go on disability. My daughter died two years ago. I'm bipolar. I've been hospitalized four times; 3 for getting suicidal and the fourth for actually trying it. I think about CTB every day.

This is the only place I can share any of this. Thank you all.

 

[PI3.14]

Pain and regrets.

My life looks good on paper: I retired at 45 and have an income and health care for the rest of my life. (I'm in the US; health care is a big IF here)

What it's really like: I've been in chronic pain for 39 years today. I retired because I couldn't work any more and had to go on disability. My daughter died two years ago. I'm bipolar. I've been hospitalized four times; 3 for getting suicidal and the fourth for actually trying it. I think about CTB every day.

This is the only place I can share any of this. Thank you all.

I'm so sorry for your loss sir. I hope that this cruel life give you a break and heal your heart.

I'm glad this forum exist as it allows many of us here to speak their thoughts freely which won't be allowed elsewhere.

 

[Saponification]

I do not enjoy having to put up with suffering for a very long period of time. It's just problem after problem with no reward at the end of the journey. I have never been treated well by others and don't have any positive relationships. I have a history of being ignored or mistreated. I also likely have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and am very irritable and never comfortable. I don't enjoy anything and always tire myself out trying to escape boredom and nothingness. I am always treated like a burden and an outsider, and always told the opposite.

I can relate to every word of this.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

On paper, my life is pretty damn good. I'm back in school and getting good grades in all my classes, I have a part time job in healthcare, I have a good amount of savings, I came from a well-off family, I fit the beauty standard for people of the same ethnicity, and I do multiple different sports for fun.

I know that I'm very privileged in some aspects but it doesn't cancel out how fucked up my childhood was. And frankly I have no interest in explaining to people in real life how my parents were abusive and gave me severe PTSD, how I have permanent health problems from an eating disorder, and how I used to struggle with substance abuse.

 

[Inexplicable]

Chronic anhedonia and cognitive problems which effect me socially and vocationally. I have no friends and people don't seem to like me, I just can't connect with anybody. Every day is a struggle

 

[helpless_soul96]

Okay, but did you use a scale? That's what the question is.

Yes a very good scale.

 

[Abyssal]

My life is good but my brain is wired to handle minor issues as intense. I'm not built to last and don't want to experience a lifetime of this

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Yes a very good scale.

was it this scale?

 

[helpless_soul96]

was it this scale?
View attachment 152324

haha. I used a jeweler's scale.

 

[WholeHereafter]

Incurable physical health issues that diminished my quality of life to practically nothing.

 

[WholeHereafter]

health condition, comorbidities, and life circumstances

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

I love someone who has BPD and can't/won't love me back. Regularly ignores/is verbally mean to me.

I have a son who is autistic with behavioural problems and regularly tells me to die, hits me and spits at me.

I live with a man I don't love yet we hang on for sake of son/ties of a mortgage.

I'm in lots of debt. Maybe £10k

Starting with menopause so my ladyparts feel like the fucking desert.

Positives

Physically I'm healthy enough

I live in a nice enough town, good walks, pretty

I don't work because I am carer for my son so have lots of time to do as I please; read, walk etc

I have some nice friends.

 

[aguilasinalas]

I spent money from my family in gambling. They don't know. I prefer CTB and leave a message explaining everything. Evert day I suffer and have panic attack.

 

[sugarb]

I think it'd depend on how you view things
my material needs are met and I don't experience any violence on a regular basis. my family isn't super poor, middle class ish
but on the downside
I spend roughly 80-90% of my time alone most days; if I maximized the time i spend with others it'd still probably be like 65-70%. I'm also pretty mentally unwell + autistic which sucks, though I am getting college help because of that. I think someone else's consciousness/personality put in my body/brain with all the same disorders and etc could maybe make a decent effort at living happily if they really wanted to, but the avg person would probably at least be depressed i think. though there's the question of how entwined my issues and my personality are ig

 

[MBiopic]

I have BPD - it has consumed me and is so incredibly debilitating.
On paper I have a great life, friends/ career/ animals etc.
but my mental state is a riot, I'm exhausted of being externally fine but internally drowning. I'm done. I will be gone as soon as all my ducks are in a line….

i have bpd as well, and I relate a lot to what you're saying. in fact, your wording even touched me a little. externally fine but internally drowning is so, so accurate. sending hugs and i wish you the very best. you're not alone.

 

[Fangarina]

i have bpd as well, and I relate a lot to what you're saying. in fact, your wording even touched me a little. externally fine but internally drowning is so, so accurate. sending hugs and i wish you the very best. you're not alone.

Thank you. And the same to you. I think since finding this forum, it's the first in a long time I have been able to be open and not feel like I need to mask. Ironically, this place has been a huge support that has made me put my CTB plans on hold. Hope you are doing ok