Why do you want to CTB? Also a poll

[PI3.14]

For me, it's loneliness and my height. However my life is bad too.

 

[dazednconfused]

i'm smart, im not rly ugly, people like me even though some people make fun of me and bully me and ive always been left out. relationships have been painful but at least i have them right? grooming and stuff but its online so no big deal right.. and then my parents constant arguing and the mental agony from my narcissistic father.. prolly partly the way he is due to the military.
i have always wanted to die since i was little. 9-10. i see my little brother nov and he has none of those symptoms, just a happy dumb kid. and i wonder what i did wrong. but at least i have some fans with my music. enough that i could do a live show next year... but i dont know.. it hurts haha im a coward... im scared of adult life.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'd say that my life is pretty good for the most part, especially in comparison to what others on here have gone through. I just don't like being alive.

 

[Fangarina]

I have BPD - it has consumed me and is so incredibly debilitating.
On paper I have a great life, friends/ career/ animals etc.
but my mental state is a riot, I'm exhausted of being externally fine but internally drowning. I'm done. I will be gone as soon as all my ducks are in a line….

 

[dazednconfused]

I have BPD - it has consumed me and is so incredibly debilitating.
On paper I have a great life, friends/ career/ animals etc.
but my mental state is a riot, I'm exhausted of being externally fine but internally drowning. I'm done. I will be gone as soon as all my ducks are in a line….

oh god, bpd is fucking awful. it robs you of everything. and on top of it everyone sees you as a monster. and its so hard to get even one person to understand and even if they do the emotional effects remain present. logic cant always beat out the heart. it hurts so much.. :')

 

[ctbsd24]

There's nothing really overtly wrong with my life that one would guess that I'm suicidal. But under the surface, I'm filled with so much regret and self-loathing. I suffer from chronic pain in my back, shoulders, and knees that I keep to myself because I want to give the appearance of being a "strong" man when, in reality, it eats at me daily. On top of that, I don't feel like I came even close to reaching my ceiling in life and, at this point, on the verge of turning 40, I don't see that happening given how much my depression holds me back.

 

[Demi-Fiend]

I'm just tired of the same old escapades of a shitty unstable job history, difficulty gaining employment, recent breakup of ex-fiancee, genetic health issues, insomnia, ad nauseam.

 

[F@#$]

Life fuckin sucks,I see no point to it. Mines looks ok. Got my own house(rental),all of my vehicles are paid for( my truck,3 custom Harleys and a lowrider). I make enough to keep my bills paid and keep a little in the bank but not enough to ever amount to anything( I'm probably one big car repair from homelessness). Anyway,I see my life as nothing but paying bills and making sure my boss keeps getting richer. I have nobody I don't own anything worth much,my only reliable retirement plan is a .357.The day to day bullshit along with the shitty fuckin journey to get here has broken me. Just working on my exit plan. Sorry to ramble

 

[helpless_soul96]

I am living in a nightmare. I got Visual Snow Syndrome last year after a bad mushroom trip, and it's progressive. Particularly trailing worsens near daily. In addition, I have sound induced pain and extremely reactive tinnitus. The tinnitus and pain get worse permanently to noise and there is no treatment that doctors will do. I've asked to be deafened despite loosing my vision. I am trapped.

 

[Demi-Fiend]

I am living in a nightmare. I got Visual Snow Syndrome last year after a bad mushroom trip, and it's progressive. Particularly trailing worsens near daily. In addition, I have sound induced pain and extremely reactive tinnitus. The tinnitus and pain get worse permanently to noise and there is no treatment that doctors will do. I've asked to be deafened despite loosing my vision. I am trapped.

Man, sorry for the VSS, I've experienced the pains of that ailment, too. I hope you get feeling well.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

Absolutely fucking not lmao. Only like 0.2% of it is good.
Plus life in general, as a concept, is utterly meaningless.

I got Visual Snow Syndrome last year after a bad mushroom trip, and it's progressive.

Omg how did that happen, if you feel comfortable sharing? I have been entertaining the idea of trying shrooms sometimes before I ctb just to see if I have some kind of an epiphany as to why I should continue to exist lol. But now I am concerned.

 

[Sunset Limited]

Being human is a shitty experience. I'm trapped in a human body from nothing.

 

[lament.]

I'm surrounded by loving people who are supportive of me and who I would love to go out and spend time with, but I physically can't enjoy my time with them due to pain and fatigue, it's pretty ironic really.

 

[WildAtHeart]

a handful of reasons mainly a mix of shit that happened as a kid which racked me with guilt. Doesn't help my family is very dysfunctional. I hate myself and until my death, natural or unnatural, will continue to hate myself

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I have been entertaining the idea of trying shrooms sometimes before I ctb just to see if I have some kind of an epiphany as to why I should continue to exist lol. But now I am concerned.

If I remember correctly, around an estimated 4% of hallucinogen users report developing HPPD, but data surrounding it is kind of lacking. You could develop HPPD the first time you use shrooms, or any psychedelic for that matter, but I'd imagine that it is unlikely. I think I might have very mild HPPD due to a lot of repeated shrooms use a few months back, but my symptoms seem to have improved quite a bit since then.

 

[Ww42]

Objectively my life would be considered good by most, but it's my own brain chemistry that makes life unbearable. I'm constantly depressed and have been that way since I was a very young child. I have a decent apartment, loving fiance, and am in college for a very good career in nursing, but none of that matters to me when i'm so depressed I don't get out of bed a lot of days, oversleep, cry excessively and am just overall a very low energy and low mood person not really built for what this life requires

 

[alienfreak]

This question is so hard. At first i voted no with no hesitation, then i thought about the situations of other people... I dont think it is possible to be objective

 

[Addled and Rattled]

I think it's just my chronic isolation really.
I grew up autistic, so no one really wanted to hang out with me. My family is Mormon, so I still had some community, but I left when I was 18 for various reasons. I lost all of my friends and my father's side mostly cut me off. My mom would only call me to get money for groceries, even when she knew I was struggling. I had no support system when I went though the three roughest years of my life. I went through psychosis, which made finding a support system more difficult, and now I am here trying to pick up the pieces again, alone. I'm so tired. I have a couple friends now, but I struggle to say anything. I can't even be honest with my struggles because I'm scared that the few people I have will leave me. (Not that they should stay, especially if I'm going to ctb)
When I think of how I could have turned out in a proper environment, my heart hurts so much. I'm a waste. I see no point in trying to get better.

 

[SilentSadness]

I do not enjoy having to put up with suffering for a very long period of time. It's just problem after problem with no reward at the end of the journey. I have never been treated well by others and don't have any positive relationships. I have a history of being ignored or mistreated. I also likely have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and am very irritable and never comfortable. I don't enjoy anything and always tire myself out trying to escape boredom and nothingness. I am always treated like a burden and an outsider, and always told the opposite.

 

[ladylazarus4]

my life on paper is very good (and I'm in a sort of semi recovery maybe? But still suicidal, just behavioral semi-recovery). I just feel like I will never change so even if life is amazing then what's the point if I'll be a wretched failure forever?

 

[EgoBrained]

The disillusionment towards the world that led to my complete detachment from society. There is little to no enjoyment for me in being part of the world; human connections bring me no solace. Right now, I am just a burden to the very few people around me and I only wish to be forgotten and disappear.

 

[helpless_soul96]

Absolutely fucking not lmao. Only like 0.2% of it is good.
Plus life in general, as a concept, is utterly meaningless.

Omg how did that happen, if you feel comfortable sharing? I have been entertaining the idea of trying shrooms sometimes before I ctb just to see if I have some kind of an epiphany as to why I should continue to exist lol. But now I am concerned.

I had a horrific come up off of about an eighth of APES. The trip itself was fantastic. Not my first rodeo. I felt off, and the visual symptoms came a month later. It nearly went away until I smoked some weed and drank with a friend one night a few months later. Woke up and it's been progressive since. It also gave me hyperacusis which went away than came back after a sound incident.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I had a horrific come up off of about an eighth of APES. The trip itself was fantastic. Not my first rodeo. I felt off, and the visual symptoms came a month later. It nearly went away until I smoked some weed and drank with a friend one night a few months later. Woke up and it's been progressive since. It also gave me hyperacusis which went away than came back after a sound incident.

Did you not use a scale to measure out your dose?

Also, if you have HPPD it is suggested that you away from recreational drugs.

 

[helpless_soul96]

Did you not use a scale to measure out your dose?

Also, if you have HPPD it is suggested that you away from recreational drugs.

I measured it numerous times and have not touched drugs since. I have VSS, my HPPD was in the form of flashbacks only.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I measured it numerous times and have not touched drugs since. I have VSS, my HPPD was in the form of flashbacks only.

Okay, but did you use a scale? That's what the question is.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Mostly it's the loneliness. The lack of meaning and purpose also plays into it.

 

[chloramine]

I don't know. I'm tired. I've been tired for so long. I don't really have anything that makes me want to live. I just don't see a point in it and everything hurts and I'm so tired of hurting. I don't understand why I have to do this day after day after day. I'm glad people enjoy life and I think life does have a lot of good in it, but I just can't feel it or something. I don't know.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I want to be dead because life is full of suffering whereas death is permanent non existence and thus the absence of all suffering. If you do the calculations of suffering vs happiness, you'll realise that the negatives outweigh the positives and also that, at any random day, you could suffer excruciating pain from cancer or a chronic condition or something else. As long as I'm alive, I'm always subject to suffering and harm but, as soon as I'm dead, I will never be subject to suffering for all eternity.

And, yes, my life is bad on paper as I believe that anybody in my situation would eventually be suicidal and want death. No amount of bullshit pro lifer "just be resilient" sentiment would help them were they to live my life

 

[LunarLight]

My brain seems not to function properly, I can't enjoy things and do stuff (I have a gift for writing music). Oxycodone, heroin and pregabalin used to help a lot, I could feel happiness and make music, my life was finally worth living, but I eventually developed a tolerance and they no longer have the same effect. I'm still addicted to heroin though and let's say it helps me get through the day, but I'll end up wasting all the money I have left on it and this day life will become unbearable, so either I find a way to make (a lot of) money or I CTB.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Hmmm, according to who? I suspect there are people who would love to have a shot at living my life. I'd give them it if I could be free of it.

There are some fairly privelaged aspects to it. I live in a developed country, my health isn't too bad, I had inheritance money to be able to get a decent education and pursue a career I wanted to do.

Alternatively, most of the people I loved are dead or have moved miles away. All I really do is work. My job is incredibly precarious and difficult to sustain financially. The alternative is wage slavery which I've done in the past for over a decade and which I know makes me even more suicidal. My childhood had shitty elements so, I have 'baggage' from that. I struggle with confidence and social anxiety. I'm getting older. My coping mechanism of being creative has been waning the past few years to the point where the main reason I haven't ended it is because I fear what that would do to my Dad.

So, I suppose on paper, my life has both good and bad things going for it. The funny thing is, my life has been so much worse than it is right now. For me, it's both the fear of it returning to being that bad, on top of exhaustion basically. I'm just so tired of trying when there doesn't seem much point. So, it's hard to answer to be honest. It's not exactly good or bad, it's just a monumental inconvenience now.