Death is difficult to achieve, and I would simply not be able to deal with the repercussions of failing (again). I've been so lucky that I've never lost control over my life despite my mental health, only people that I actively tell even know that I am struggling at all, and the worst thing that could ever happen is that I mess up and people find out.
It also hurts to imagine doing that to my significant other, I hurt them so much already and I'm afraid of them spiralling, they seem so happy.
I don't know why I don't want to live, I assume some inherent mental drive to live inside me is missing. Achievements don't feel good and satisfactory, they feel necessary. Failure feels horrible, even in a silly, small scale, like breaking something accidentally or not being able to do something new immediately.
Responsibility is not fulfilling anymore, it's a chore. I don't know what to do with my free time because I rarely enjoy doing things. I think realistically, I'm never going to go back to the way I felt as a child, way before puberty, finding everything enjoyable and interesting and funny, and I don't think life without those feelings is worth living.