Why do people want a family?

[Apathy79]

I'm sorry to hear that it cost you a marriage. I don't want to get married though. I don't understand why people do. I think that being married would take away my freedom and chain me to another person for life. I've never been interested in romance or relationships. I don't even feel completely human lol.

My dad wants me to eventually get married and have children though, and I hate this so much. I hate how other people try to tell you what to do and try to get you to conform to their standards and meet their expectations. I argued with him about it, saying that I don't want to have a husband or family, and he got *so* mad at me. He shouted "you *will* continue the family line!" I don't know why he was like brimming with rage. I just kept quiet after that. I hate how my parents view me as property and a toy to control rather than an individual with my own agency. It gets on my nerves. They don't even see me as a person, just a tool

I was sorry about it too at the time. But it was never going to work. You can love someone all you like but if their dream is the family life, and yours is the free life, how do you proceed? Call it a fun few years and move on. I think it was for the best. As for marriage taking away my freedom, I didn't really see it that way. I saw my job as doing that. And especially having kids. And it turned out those things were necessary to make it work. But I still would never have kids or go back to a full time job. I wouldn't necessarily rule out getting married in the future, although I don't see it on the horizon.

As for your Dad's controlling nature and intensity on the subject, I've heard that's disturbingly common in many Asian families. It sounds frustrating. I'm glad not to have to deal with that pressure personally. Fortunately its not up to him!

 

[Unicr0n]

How and why do people find fulfillment in raising a child? What kind of fulfillment is there? Okay, well I don't have any maternal instincts. I guess I wasn't naturally selected for it lol

You're asking something that doesn't have one answer. How and why do you like KPOP? How and why do you like the favourite foods you do? How and why do you find fulfillment in your hobbies? You don't know if you have maternal instincts until you have a child. Then you would know. Maternal instincts don't always apply to other children or even animals [though many women who don't see a maternal instinct toward other people's children find their instinct towards their pets]. You likely demonstrate some maternal instinct f or your pet. If you go "Awwwwww" to your pet, that's a form of that instinct. You're programmed to find cute things cute because it encourages you to keep offspring alive. Babies that look horribly deformed were often rejected by chimps which we evolved from. An ugly baby is scientifically harder to love even if you're the mother. Crazy that women are more likely to judge and turn away from an ugly baby than men are, regardless of whether they're parents or not.
Babies can also differentiate between good looking things and bad looking things. Babies will focus longer on attractive looking people than ugly looking people. So it swings both ways lol.

I really see no need for relationships

You have a pet. The relationship between you and your pet is a relationship. Face it: You desire a relationship in one form or another. You don't like loneliness.

society just programs that in people i think

No. It's programmed into you via genetics. You can learn it as well but it's primarily a genes thing.

 

[1MiserableGuy]

I can't answer for people who wanted children they didn't already have. And generally speaking I've found them to be unsympathetic, unhelpful, and ultra judgemental. I just have my own experience to share.

In 2020-2021, I had shutdown-related PTSD so strong I attempted ctb (without good ctb education) multiple times. During this time, my wife and I managed to get pregnant with an IUD in. The odds of that happening are less than one in ten thousand. She did not bother to test even though she was missing periods, because she knew at that time that I hated kids (and for the most part still do) and figured it would be the nail in my coffin to have an unplanned kid.

Ultimately, my son has become one of my only reasons left to live. There is a certain endearing bond that is very unique to you and your own flesh and blood that cannot be replicated in any other kind of relationship.

We have tried to have another kid on purpose since then and have been unsuccessful. We got pregnant once more, but lost it to miscarriage. That was a painful loss. We had to come to terms with the fact that whatever children we have and don't is completely outside of our control, and to have gratitude regardless of how that turns out.

All of that being said, I still cannot stand other people's kids. Namely when they're out of line and uncontrollable. So I don't know that people like you and I ever get past that. But the game changes when it's your own flesh and blood.

 

[sserafim]

I was sorry about it too at the time. But it was never going to work. You can love someone all you like but if their dream is the family life, and yours is the free life, how do you proceed? Call it a fun few years and move on. I think it was for the best. As for marriage taking away my freedom, I didn't really see it that way. I saw my job as doing that. And especially having kids. And it turned out those things were necessary to make it work. But I still would never have kids or go back to a full time job. I wouldn't necessarily rule out getting married in the future, although I don't see it on the horizon.

As for your Dad's controlling nature and intensity on the subject, I've heard that's disturbingly common in many Asian families. It sounds frustrating. I'm glad not to have to deal with that pressure personally. Fortunately its not up to him!

It's okay. It's a lot of pressure though. Sometimes I want to ctb just to spite him lol

You're asking something that doesn't have one answer. How and why do you like KPOP? How and why do you like the favourite foods you do? How and why do you find fulfillment in your hobbies? You don't know if you have maternal instincts until you have a child. Then you would know. Maternal instincts don't always apply to other children or even animals [though many women who don't see a maternal instinct toward other people's children find their instinct towards their pets]. You likely demonstrate some maternal instinct f or your pet. If you go "Awwwwww" to your pet, that's a form of that instinct. You're programmed to find cute things cute because it encourages you to keep offspring alive. Babies that look horribly deformed were often rejected by chimps which we evolved from. An ugly baby is scientifically harder to love even if you're the mother. Crazy that women are more likely to judge and turn away from an ugly baby than men are, regardless of whether they're parents or not.
Babies can also differentiate between good looking things and bad looking things. Babies will focus longer on attractive looking people than ugly looking people. So it swings both ways lol.

You have a pet. The relationship between you and your pet is a relationship. Face it: You desire a relationship in one form or another. You don't like loneliness.

No. It's programmed into you via genetics. You can learn it as well but it's primarily a genes thing.

I only like my dog because he's cute. Babies stare at me and it makes me uncomfortable lol. Well, maybe I didn't get those genes then…

 

[Unicr0n]

I only like my dog because he's cute. Babies stare at me and it makes me uncomfortable lol. Well, maybe I didn't get those genes then…

You have the genes because you think your dog is cute, and cute enough to keep around too XD I have 0 maternal instincts towards other human infants. But my dog, I can tell I have maternal instinct because I think he's cute and would kill a human to protect him. (ง'̀-'́)ง

@1MiserableGuy That's an amazing story. I'm glad it happened the way it did for you. The most unexpected places can bring about a reason to keep living.

 

[derpyderpins]

Even if I had a good experience with family, I still wouldn't want a family of my own.

I don't think you can know that.

I don't like people. I really see no need for relationships or human connection. I still wouldn't want any relationships. Why do people need human interaction and connection to fully and properly function? I don't see human connection in a positive way; there's nothing positive about it. The only positive thing I can think of is like an exchange of ideas and knowledge, and also to learn new things from other people

For most people, life is a series of different emotions and experiences: good, bad, happy, sad, excited, bored, anxious, relaxed. There are levels to these: feeling satisfied from a dopamine hit is nowhere near pure joy - happiness so great you want to cry. We want to maximize the positives and reduce the negatives. Human connection and relationships can lead to the good feelings and emotions and help lessen the bad ones. It's on a biological level. Someone sincerely telling you "good job" feels better than doing the thing and no one telling you good job. Someone consoling you when sad or anxious can limit the pain.

Like you said, we also learn from each other. Just like you learn math from watching examples, we learn to live life by watching other people. Unlike a math teacher, people get life wrong a lot, though, so over time you learn how to identify which behaviors are helping and which are hurting, then you incorporate the good into your own character.

Turning to you and your situation. I think you are having a hard time identifying what you need and want. My evidence is that you are on a suicide forum posting dozens of time a day. It's okay, I think everyone here has some need that isn't met (definitely including myself there.) Many of your posts are asking questions about life and existence. Sure, you have a natural interest in philosophy, but I think under the surface you are subconciously trying to (1) satisfy your need for human connection by interacting with people on here, and (2) figure out what your need is that is not being met, because you know there is one.

This forum as a source for satisfying your need for human connection makes sense because the people here can't hurt you the way your parents have, as they are in a screen (physically) and similarly lacking control and authority (emotionally). It's not the same as an in-person interaction, though.

As far as you knowing you have an unmet need (and suspect it is human interaction - thus this post), I propose the following line of reasoning:

• The vast majority of people need/benefit from some positive form of human connection.
• Life can be a positive thing for a human being. Evidence: there are people who enjoy life.
• This means that - except in outlier situations - people can have a positive experience in life if put in a proper situation. What that situation is, however, is a tough and complicated question that probably has no quick single solution.
• Despite a worldview that the world sucks for various reasons, you and I both know - rationally - that life can be a positive thing for people.
• Therefore, the odds heavily favor the idea that under some circumstances you and I could have a positive experience with life.

Accepting that, there are two possibilities to explain how you feel about human interaction:

1. The abuse from your parents has given you a distorted perception of the potential benefits of relationships as a defense mechanism from future harm (see my milk example above). You dismiss relationships to avoid pain; or
2. You are naturally an outlier in how your brain works, so much so that you are one of the few people who would get absolutely no emotional benefit from human connection. The abuse from your parents is entirely coincidental.

I don't buy that the abuse from your parents is coincidental and you would be the same without it. I've also told you one of my life philosophies is to not assume I am special or different, so I'm applying the same here. Therefore, I proposed option 1 in my first response.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

It's the only thing I can think of that would keep me willing to stay alive longer than the next few years. It all boils down to instincts, feelings, and urges for me. Without these desires I suppose a family is way more trouble than it's worth. I seriously envy those who do not have this urge at all. If I really didn't want a family I wouldn't go about having to signal it to everyone either. I wouldn't need to care about or know why other people are subjecting themselves to their base instincts, in fact I'm sure it would be much easier to live for myself in that case and I'd simply be happy with not wanting a family and letting other people make themselves miserable. I feel like having to question others like this comes off as insecure or even unclear which I can understand but I still wish I didn't have these urges.

I was given the chance to spend the rest of my life with a partner who was unable to breed and we could have had our own family of a couple cats (yeah I'm allergic but I'd like to think I could have gotten over it). I kept telling myself and her that it didn't bother me at all and that I probably shouldn't have children anyway for very good reasons. I wish I could have fully embraced this path and yet the path itself rejected me once it was clear that deep down no matter how much copium I inject in my veins, I would always want a real family born from my own blood for as long as I am allowed to continue to live. Suffering be damned. I still fawn over babies and small children the same way I do cats and dogs.

And that's not even addressing the fact that I'll never ever get to do this in the first place because I'm too much of an anxious coward to even start something with anyone.

 

[latte art]

Hmm interesting. I don't want to do a better job than my parents did; I'm turned off by it entirely. I don't want a family at all due to my negative experiences. I think that even if I hadn't been abused, I still wouldn't want a family though

Fair enough. It's sad to hear but it makes sense. Why do you think you still wouldn't want a family otherwise?

 

[damyon]

Most people want to start a family and have one of their own. Why? I don't understand. Having a family sounds so boring. It sounds like pure torture. I would hate to be a suburban housewife or a working mom. I would hate to even be a mother at all

This might be a pure biological instinct. You are spreading your genes, and you are feeling happy because nature made it pleasant (not for all).
Why would you care about your child and your husband after you give birth? Because you feel pleasure from spreading your genes even further, caring for your family makes it easier for your child, who carries 50% of your genes, to survive.

For those who genuinely do not want to have a family, it can simply be peer pressure.

~~~
Another thing: it can take quite some time to build a good family, and this venture can almost always be abandoned. Why would you want to close the door prematurely?... Related to my answer to one of your posts: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...going-against-the-system.157954/#post-2432326

You can go with the system while also pursuing your personal goals. That way, you will always have both opportunities at the same time—why close doors prematurely when you have yet to explore?