Venting Why do I want to fucking live so much when it would be so much better if I already killed myself

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't want to die but I have to kill myself sooner or later it's inevitable. What am I waiting for? Why don't I just go ahead with my plan? It's always only a question of time until a situation appears that clearly shows me how miserable my life is when the only option is to rot at home and eat, drink and sleep. Why can't I fucking kill myself with a button that would solve everything - the permanent solution to permanent problems. Death is the one only relief from all suffering here but for fucks sake I still prefer to live .... I hate it. I HATE IT!!!

 

[iloverachel]

I understand your pain. Being trapped in a world you don't want to live in is the worst
I hope you find peace and will be free from the torment and suffering
I am also rotting at home for years

 

[Mi Mi]

I don't want to die but I have to kill myself sooner or later it's inevitable. What am I waiting for? Why don't I just go ahead with my plan? It's always only a question of time until a situation appears that clearly shows me how miserable my life is when the only option is to rot at home and eat, drink and sleep. Why can't I fucking kill myself with a button that would solve everything - the permanent solution to permanent problems. Death is the one only relief from all suffering here but for fucks sake I still prefer to live .... I hate it. I HATE IT!!!

I wish I could hold you till you felt better
Try not to overthink or question yourself
Do what you want when you want how you want
Maybe you want to live just as much as I want to die
And that's ok
I'm always here if you need me
of course after I wake up

 

[unabletocope]

Because suicide takes strength and determination.

 

[Jiyuurakka]

Hey there, when I read your words and what you're going through, I couldn't help but get really sad. I've always thought how cruel the world is for putting good people through such harsh torment. I hope you're able to find peace, whether in life or in death.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Hey there, when I read your words and what you're going through, I couldn't help but get really sad. I've always thought how cruel the world is for putting good people through such harsh torment. I hope you're able to find peace, whether in life or in death.

Agreed, @Praestat_Mori you're one of my favourite users on this site and even if it feels like all you're doing is rotting at home, know that your contributions here have been appreciated by others.

 

[thenamingofcats]

If you could die completely painlessly an hour from now by pushing a button, would you? That would eliminate the problems of pain with ctb and something going wrong. If you wouldn't do it, why not? I know it's private so I'm not asking for a literal answer, just trying to narrow down your thoughts. I wouldn't take the 1 hour option bc I feel there's unfinished business. I reassess every year. I'm also plagued by the small hope that something could change for the better bc I'm naive.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

If you could die completely painlessly an hour from now by pushing a button, would you? That would eliminate the problems of pain with ctb and something going wrong. If you wouldn't do it, why not? I know it's private so I'm not asking for a literal answer, just trying to narrow down your thoughts. I wouldn't take the 1 hour option bc I feel there's unfinished business. I reassess every year. I'm also plagued by the small hope that something could change for the better bc I'm naive.

No, I wouldn't press the button in an hour from now but I think I would've done it before. The situation and what reminded me of my problem calmed down. Certain situations can trigger me extremely. There's still too much hope here, long term it could really get better.

 

[UKscotty]

Death is permanent and we only get to live once. I guess there really is no rush unless there is some immediate risk of torture or something like that.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Be gentle on yourself, it's not often we have to CTB right this minute.