Same (but UNLIKE you it's not because of "suffering"/"depression" nor any other reason in general of any type) and it's so fucking frustrating because if it wasn't for them/if it wasnt because they would get 'traumatized'/'shocked' and be 'devastated'/'hurt' and all that I wouldve attempted/died many years ago.
that and the 'fact' that i don't have any way out are the reasons why I havent ctb yet. My 'parents'/'family' love/want me a lot (ok i guess lol, dont give a sht, as "cruel" as it 'sounds') and care a lot about me and blahblah and also are 'loving' (i put the 'words' between 's because I just couldnt care less about the 'meaning' of 'words' in general lmfao and i dont give a shit if they and or whoever in general is 'loving' or not ) and other "positive" crap like that and well they'd 'suffer'/'cry'/'be' 'devastated', 'hurt' and blah blah if i die so well, i haven't attempted/died yet because of them (also because i just don't have any way out) and its so fcking frustrating, I 'wish' i just didn't give a fuck and went for *it without any 'doubt' (*death/non-existence/eternal absolute nothingness) whether theyll suffer/be devastated or not. Sigh
Im not "suffering"/im not "depressed" in any way at all of any type about absolutely anything at all and it's also not because of any reason at all, I simply just don't want to 'experience'/'live'/'do'/'explore'/'participate in'/'enjoy' etc bla bla bla 'life'/'existence'/'the world'/'planet earth' etc bla bla however the f*ck it is NOR absolutely ANYTHING else in general at all whatever/however it is of any type and simply just dont give a damn sh*t about/dont want/dont have any "interest" for etc etc (and dont want to and never will no matter what, no matter what/how anything, everything, whatever 'thing' of any type etc is lmao and a large etc, i JUST DONT CARE AT ALL AND NEVER WILL) absolutely anything at all in general and (never had and simply literally never will and it's not because of any damn reason at all, and i'm being completely 'honest' or whatever tf that means and im not "iNvEnTinG" it nor "lYiNg", but anyways no one will ever understand/believe that this is possible and that i can't just simply not want absolutely anything at all and NOT want to want to etc and that's it and it's NOT because of "nihilism" nor "emptiness" nor "inability" nor "boredom" nor "antinatalism" nor "iDeNtItY cRiSiS" or whatever the fck that means nor "depression" nor "apathy" nor "lOsS oF iNtErEsT" nor "disassociation" nor "sElF hAtReD"/"lOw sElf EsTeEm" nor "dIsConTenT" nor "uNsAtISfActIoN" [[i dont want absolutely anything at all to "sAtIsFy" me lmfao why the fck am I obligated to? Why can't i just not give a damn shit about literally anything and dont have any "intention" nor "need"/"necessity" to care about etc things, to have/find things that "sAtIsfY" me etc and or whatever the fck in general? Why? what if i simply just DONT fucking want to whatever/however tf anything/whatever 'thing' etc of any type/way etc in general is? why this has to be an obligation? Why just because everyone else in general wants to and 'i' had no choice but to 'be' 'born'/'exist'/'be'|'become' 'something'/'someone' and 'be' 'brought' to 'existence' and or whatever 'all' 'this' 'is'/is 'called' that i simply just will never give a fuck however it is etc means I have to want to too? jesus fcking christ
lmfao]] nor ""'bad' life""/""'painful' life"" nor "dIsApPoInTmEnT wIth 'lIfE' aNd oR 'tHe wOrlD' aNd Or 'hUmAnItY'/'sOcIetY' and or whatever the fck in general" (no lmfao its not because of that neither lmao I couldnt give any less of a fuck 'how' 'life'/'the world'/'planet earth'/'existence'/'humanity'/'society'/anything in general whatever tf it is etcetc blahblah and or whatever the fuck/and or any other 'thing'/'place' etc of any type in general etc is/can be/could've been, neither 'what' 'happens' neither 'what' 'they' 'do' neither 'how' what they 'do' etc is/can be/could've been etc, neither 'what' 'there is'/'there are'/'there can be', neither 'how' 'it' 'works'/'how' 'it can't 'work', neither 'what' 'it' 'is' 'about'/what 'can be' 'about' and a 'large' etc neither if it's """""positive"""""/""""good""""" or """""""negative"""""""/"""""""bad""""""" lmfao I couldn't care less!!!!!! I dont give not even a single damn fck and never will) nor "abuse"/"trauma"/"bullying"/"mistreatment"/"bad family"/"bad parents" (I've never been "abused"/"bullied"/"beaten"/"mistreated" etc nor anything in general like that in any way, any type at all by anyone at all and so what lol I don't give a fck. and my 'parents'/'family' are 'good'/'great'/'perfect' 'parents'/'family' and 'love'/'want' etc 'me' 'a lot' and they're 'loving'/'caring'/'kind'/'supportive'/'respectful' [or whatever tf all those """positive""" 'adjectives' mean lol dont give a shit] and I couldnt care any less neither lmao) nor absolutely/literally ANY other """""negative""""""""""bad""""" thing at all of any type nor any other type of "problem"/"issue" NOR literally ANY other 'reason' in general AT ALL. I simply just dont have any "interest" for/about 'life'/'living'/'existence'/'planet earth'/'the world' etcetcblahblah NO MATTER 'HOW' ETC IT IS ETC NOR absolutely anything else in general at all/ nor basically, absolutely, literally [or whatever tf those 'words' mean lmao] ANY other thing/place etc of any type at all whatever/however it is. I just don't give a sht about/don't want nor any other 'verb'/'action' etc [and dont want to want to no matter what etc and never at all will and don't ask "why" because there isnt any reason at all] absolutely
anything in general at all of any type, of any way, of any anything in general and no 'matter' at all 'what'/'how'/'where' etc it is and that's it and it's NOT because of ANY damn 'reason'/'reasons' AT ALL. but well, i have no way out anyways, and if i want to attempt "sUcCeSfUlLy" and "without any" risks/interruptions/worries of getting 'caught'/being 'found'/'getting' 'brain damage'/'traumatizing' and 'shocking' my parents/family etcetc I'd have to have a fucking 'house' on my own and for that id have to fucking 'work' first and 'wait' for 'who' tf 'knows' how many years until i finally have the damn 'house' (i dont want to have any fcking 'house'/'apartment' or whatever tf that is/means nor absolutely anything else ffs) so i CAN FINALLY ATTEMPT/CTB "safely"/"reliably"/"succesfully" without anyone around and without 'traumatizing'/'shocking' my 'parents'/'family' and "without any" risks etc there, sigh what a damn fcking shit that i have to have a goddamn 'house' to be able to do it 'well' and 'plan'/'prepare' it 'well' and not risk anything, i dont fcking want to have to wait for so 'long' and have to 'work' and all that garbage to have the f*cking 'money' for the fcking 'house' so I can finally attempt/ctb "reliably"/"successfully" with no risks/worries. If only dying/stopping existing was easy and quick and i could just disappear immediately without anyone 'noticing'/'knowing', id do it here but anyways it's so risky/suspicious and anyway I don't have any way out and well, there's also the 'problem' of my 'parents' and other 'family' 'members'/'relatives' or whatever tf that means 'finding'/'seeing' the body and getting 'traumatized'/'shocked' 'while' also having to 'deal' with the 'devastation' of having lost me and blah blah, jfc I fucking wish it was easy ffs it's so frustrating!!!!!! As much as i don't give a damn fcking sht about absolutely anything/anyone etc in general at all whatever/however/'whoever' etc it is (AND ITS NOT BECAUSE OF ANY REASON AT ALL. and well if no one believes it I dont care anyway and Im used to assumptions lmao) I 'cant' 'help' but 'caring' about them and 'feeling' a bit 'sad'/'bad' for them and that's the "reason why" (also a 'cat' that 'my parents' 'adopted' that 'loves' me a lot and the 'fact' that i just dont have any way out/method to finally DIE/NOT EXIST AT ALL with) and fuck it's so frustrating that i feel fucking forced to stay/not ctb because if i did it tHeY wOulD sUfFeR a LoT aNd bLah bLaH. But this (nor absolutely anything else in general at all of any type, whatever/however etc it is) SHOULDN'T be an obligation ffs, sigh it's so frustrating. I should just not give a shit if they'll cry/suffer/be 'devastated' or not and just go for it, as "cruel"/"selfish"/"heartless" (as if i gave a fuck lol) as "it is", but anyways there's also the 'problem' or whatever tf "problem" means that if i want to attempt 'well'/'succesfully' and have enough time to 'plan'/'prepare' for it etc and without any risks, 'worries' of my 'parents'/'family' being the 'first ones' who 'find'/'see' the body and 'getting' 'traumatized'/'shocked', of me 'failing' the attempt and 'getting' 'brain damage' or 'being' 'brain dead'/being a 'vegetable' (and i don't give a shit lmfao but I have no choice but to 'care' and want to 'avoid' it because of my 'parents'/'family' to not 'traumatize'/'shock' them) etc etc, I have no fcking choice but to have/buy a fcking damn 'house' or whatever tf that is/means 'where' ill be just me alone without anyone around so i can finally attempt/ctb there without having to fucking 'worry' about anything/anyone (i mean 'failing' the attempt, getting caught/being 'interrupted' and UNFORTUNATELY 'saved', getting 'brain damage', 'traumatizing' my 'parents'/'family' etc) and what a damn fcking bullsht that for that I'd have to first fucking 'work' to have the fcking 'money' for the fcking 'house' where i could FINALLY attempt/ctb and for that so many 'years' would have to fucking pass by, id have to wait a lot, fuck it 'sucks' or whatever tf "sucks" means that it's so fcking hard to die/finally NOT exist at all
