I think that a lot too, it's nice to relate, even if it feels a little selfish. It's not, we crave connection as humans.
Yeah, that's when we start to develop who we are as people I think. I was around 3 and some kid pulled a chunk out of my hair and I didn't cry or make a scene, I just accepted it, and my mum said I responded "it's okay, she's just a baby, she didn't mean it" she was my age! I think that was a moment that started how I am. I guess I'm a doormat.
I do try, it's hard being alive, no matter what people say. We all deserve to be told a good thing at least once a day, and my nice thing to you is that you're a sweet person, and you deserve all the happiness.
I honestly don't remember much stuff about when I was that young, I know a kid in kindergarten threw a cube at my throat and I held a grudge, so I wasn't like this back then, but after first grade I started changing, I had a crazy teacher I can't remember anything of, but my mom said I changed a lot during that year.
But if you thought like that at even 3 years old, and when the other kid was the same too, says a lot about you. Even if she was just "a baby", so were you, thus having every right to get mad, heck even now ofc you'd have the right if something like that happened.
You ain't wrong, life will never be always easy sadly.
I can only return the same words to you! Thanks for taking your time and responding
Maybe, just maybe, you push yourself into people that hurt you because you find it difficult to live with this imaginary debt towards people that are nice to you.
The need to repay kindness is natural but sometimes it becomes a burden to a point you'd rather receive cruel treatment and don't have to "pay" for it than kindness and live with unfulfilled desire to repay it. Keep in mind tho that you actually "pay" for that cruel treatment. With your well-being, your mental health, your self worth as mentioned by Loser1989.
As for the "compensation" for the kind people - some of us, who lost their flame of will to live, try to warm themselves by fanning this flame in others.
In short, no repaying is required because the very act of making someone feel better is reward enough. For me at least.
I don't know if I push myself into any kind of people, I'm too scared to even approach most of them, but I get what you're saying and you're right.
But still, paying with my well being seems only right idk why, at least I can still give something in return.
The last part, I always try to remind myself that whoever does something nice for me, most probably doesn't expect anything in return, but it's still hard. They're taking their time to do something like that for someone like me, when they could use it instead for something much more important.
Genuinely nice, kind people treat others the way they do with no expectation of repayment. I speak for myself when I say that I enjoy giving a piece of myself to others through kindness, and it's possibly a selfish act, but it increases my self worth. I don't have a lot to offer, but my time, my attention and my light is often much more valuable than anything I could give to someone if that makes sense.
I wish more people acted out of kindness just because that's who they are as people. The world would be a much different place. Our society has become a pit of narcissism and "me first" mentality. It's a dark place to sit. Especially for those of us (I'm talking about you as well) who feel too much. We take it personally, and we force it inwards and it eats us alive. And that's how a lot of us end up here. We take others darkness and let it fester.
I can tell from your post that you are an emotional person. You have empathy for others. You inherently want to be kind and pay it back. You can pay it back by being the person you are, and paying it forward. Take your light and give it to others. Spread it around. Don't be afraid to be who you are, and unapologetically own it. The ones who are deserving of your light will find you if you are true to yourself.
The more you surround yourself with people that fill your cup, the higher you'll see your self worth. It's almost a self fulfilling prophecy. I truly believe in what energy you send out into the world, will be returned to you. Be the person you want to be, even around shitty people. Maybe some of your light will rub off on them. And if not, remove yourself to a different, more positive space. You are deserving of kindness. And you are deserving of positivity. It takes time, but it's worth doing.
I really like how you put all this. Honestly the world has probably always been like this, but not every single person is bad, and that's what reassures me sometimes.
Sadly, as I am in school, I am surrounded by people I cannot get along with, and with people who hate me for the sole reason I don't talk much. I don't want to surround myself with people who judge others for basic things, but I can't do anything about it in school.
Also, thanks for your words(*´˘`*)♡
