instantly sorry for any grammar mistakes as im not a native speaker.
ive started to think about CTB more and more and the matter is i was afraid and didnt see a reason why i should do it but sitting alone in my room knowing that there is things that i should do but dont instead start procrastinating and such. I havent lived a long life im 21 going to be 22 in june with everything that i did seeming pointless and now it feels empty not that i didnt do anything but nothing really mattered at the end (talking about sport achievements and such) the relationships ive had were always not it either not that its needed just never really felt loved or appreciated nor friends really being actual friends i know my mom will be hurt if i do commit but it doesnt affect me when i think about it or even my GF how she would go through it. Started even writing a book before i do it because i want it to be read only by one person. i know what my last words would be if i do commit and it brings me a sense of calm and not fear death as much as i was terrified of it. What i dont understand is why do i feel like this why does it seem so empty even when im with compony.
i have put in even research about CTB and knowing that i have everything on hand for partial or something similar the only thing is stopping that im not finished with the book and questioning if maybe in different life it will be better.
im just trying to understand myself and maybe i just need a stranger or multiple strangers from the internet to see from their perspective
ive started to think about CTB more and more and the matter is i was afraid and didnt see a reason why i should do it but sitting alone in my room knowing that there is things that i should do but dont instead start procrastinating and such. I havent lived a long life im 21 going to be 22 in june with everything that i did seeming pointless and now it feels empty not that i didnt do anything but nothing really mattered at the end (talking about sport achievements and such) the relationships ive had were always not it either not that its needed just never really felt loved or appreciated nor friends really being actual friends i know my mom will be hurt if i do commit but it doesnt affect me when i think about it or even my GF how she would go through it. Started even writing a book before i do it because i want it to be read only by one person. i know what my last words would be if i do commit and it brings me a sense of calm and not fear death as much as i was terrified of it. What i dont understand is why do i feel like this why does it seem so empty even when im with compony.
i have put in even research about CTB and knowing that i have everything on hand for partial or something similar the only thing is stopping that im not finished with the book and questioning if maybe in different life it will be better.
im just trying to understand myself and maybe i just need a stranger or multiple strangers from the internet to see from their perspective
