Why can't I just do it?

[sweetdreams37]

I made up my stat dose of SN last night and was fully prepared to end it all. I know deep down that I just want to be gone. I am so tired of living in my head. So tired of being so afraid of everything and always being in a panic over any little thing that comes up in my life. Things that other people seem to so easily do, I freak out over. I don't know why I'm like this but I don't want to feel this way any more. My anxiety is crushing me and I don't want to live with it anymore. But for some reason, I still couldn't drink the SN. Taking your life is so f**king terrifiying. So I'm scared to live and I'm scared to die. Where does that leave me?

 

[randomz]

Oh boy, it's like I wrote your post myself. Everything you say is so valid for me. The only difference is that I stil haven't attempted. Your inability to CTB may be because you still don't feel as prepared as you should and you realise that there are things that make life still worth it for you. And that's normal - one should exhaust all options to find happiness before making the ultimate decision of their life.
You can always PM me if you need to chat with someone who has your problems. Even if it is just to vent. oh and welcome to the forums.
Edit: you need I think at least 5 posts in order to be able to send PM's just so you know if you decide you want a private chat with someone.

 

[Giraffey]

I'm not too sure where that leaves you sweetdreams, but I was in this situation recently. I discovered that I wasn't actually afraid of 'being dead' because being afraid requires conscious experience which ceases to exist after you die. But I was definitely afraid of the process itself, to the point where I was devising all kinds of ridiculous ways to put myself into a dream state as I died, or recreate the experience of 'walking into the light' (the research on the neurology of near-death experiences is fascinating).

In the end, I sat myself down, wrote out my worries - what was I actually scared of about the process. Then I did my research and thought about each of my fears scientifically and I figured that actually, with some basic precautions I could have a really pleasant and painless experience and leave my body in a nice presentable state (both of which were important to me).

So perhaps that is what you need to do. Take a moment, mentally run through the process in your mind or act it out but just take some water instead of the SN and then lay back and think about your emotions - as you're laying and waiting for it to 'kick in' what are you afraid of? Is it that it won't work, or that you'll be sick or feel intense pain, or that everything will suddenly go black?

Once you know exactly what it is that you're afraid of you might discover that it's actually a whole lot less scary than you imagined, or perhaps it's something that you can work into your plan and reassure yourself. Either way, I think it's worth holding off the actual act until you've dealt with your fears - much better to delay just a little bit to make absolutely sure that you're ready, and have your final moments be calm and peaceful rather than laying in utter terror.

Either way, wishing you peace and wellness

 

[rhiino]

It leaves you in a state where you cannot improve your situation and also cannot end your suffering. I know from experience and it sucks.
I think what you experience there is survival instinct. You just cannot imagine how it is to be dead, because naturally you won't be dead if you could still feel anything. It is hard to overcome this.

 

[niloc]

survival instinct is a strange beast. I've had several instances where I all I had to do was squeeze down on the trigger and I couldn't do it. The last time I had things in position for about 5 minutes and simply froze.

I don't know what the hell to do.. I'm really just running here on fumes and need to put them out..

 

[Mistake of Nature]

I ask myself this question every single day.

All I have to do is drink the SN, or pull the trigger, jump, step off the stool etc....the actual act of catching the bus is easy and simple to do, but my survival instinct is so stubborn. The ability to override hundreds of thousands of years' worth of evolution is something I'm still chasing, but I totally hear you OP, to be trapped in a life you desperately want to end is excruciating.

 

[Flump]

Because you don't want to, if you wanted to kill yourself you would have already done it.

It's not that easy to kill yourself, if it was I wouldn't be here now!!!
I ask myself the same question everyday, if only it was that easy

It's not that easy to kill yourself, if it was I wouldn't be here now!!!

 

[Evermore]

This is why i haven't ctb or even attempted yet . There's times where I feel ready and get the urge to do it but the majority of time there's fear there . It's fear of what it feels like to die , fear of surviving and ending up worse , fear of what happens after death.
I'm also fearful of living but I know what it feels like to live, I don't know what it feels like to die .

 

[GravityUtilizer]

This is why i haven't ctb or even attempted yet . There's times where I feel ready and get the urge to do it but the majority of time there's fear there . It's fear of what it feels like to die , fear of surviving and ending up worse , fear of what happens after death.
I'm also fearful of living but I know what it feels like to live, I don't know what it feels like to die .

Yeah I'm hoping the fear will reduce the more I normalise ctb as an option for myself but then again it might go the other way 'cause of all the overthinking!!!

 

[I screwed up]

SI is the reason majority of us are still alive .... It really sucks , it almost feels like we r not entitled to take our own lives... My SI is so bad I don't even have the courage to procure my SN . 100% agree with OP

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

There are a billion ways to kill yourself, you'd have done it if you REALLY wanted to kill yourself.

People can be suicidal whether they complete the act or not. It isn't the persons choice about being anxious but rather survival instinct. I really want to die but I have failed my attempts but doesn't mean that I don't want to die. I really do want to succeed but it's difficult. You need to be more understanding of people's pain as this is a forum to support people, not invalidate them.

 

[Sadkitty]

There are a billion ways to kill yourself, you'd have done it if you REALLY wanted to kill yourself.

If you can't be kind and supportive, maybe you should reconsider being here.

 

[Kezrina]

I could of wrote this myself, and to top if off, I finally plucked up the courage to go and speak with a therapist waited a week for the appointment couldn't sleep, couldn't eat to be told when I arrived at my appointment that its been cancelled. I now have to wait another week and go through the same process.

 

[Flump]

There are a billion ways to kill yourself, you'd have done it if you REALLY wanted to kill yourself.

There are a billion ways to kill yourself, you'd have done it if you REALLY wanted to kill yourself.

I really think you should think about being on this site, you obviously find it hard to be nice to people. If you think it's so easy to kill yourself why are you on here?? We are all here to help and support each other and it's people like you who just ruin it. Be nice or don't say anything at all!!!

 

[Valsalva]

Unbelievable! Which country?

 

[ceelo]

As is explained in thomas joiners book on suicide in order to do it you have to beat the amygdalas hard wiring and the fact is most cant, they actually found those who do actually have a difference in the brain that makes it possible.... i forget the details but its a good read.

 

[rhiino]

Because you don't want to, if you wanted to kill yourself you would have already done it.

You know, wanting something and being able to do it are two completely independent things. You sound like a pro-lifer.

I could of wrote this myself, and to top if off, I finally plucked up the courage to go and speak with a therapist waited a week for the appointment couldn't sleep, couldn't eat to be told when I arrived at my appointment that its been cancelled. I now have to wait another week and go through the same process.

Wow, you have to wait months here.

 

[gymletethnicel]

If you can't be kind and supportive, maybe you should reconsider being here.

He asked "Why can't I do it?"
That's literally my response to that, I'm not going to sugar coat things.

I really think you should think about being on this site, you obviously find it hard to be nice to people. If you think it's so easy to kill yourself why are you on here?? We are all here to help and support each other and it's people like you who just ruin it. Be nice or don't say anything at all!!!

How am I being mean? I'm just giving my opinion on the matter.

 

[sweetdreams37]

Oh boy, it's like I wrote your post myself. Everything you say is so valid for me. The only difference is that I stil haven't attempted. Your inability to CTB may be because you still don't feel as prepared as you should and you realise that there are things that make life still worth it for you. And that's normal - one should exhaust all options to find happiness before making the ultimate decision of their life.
You can always PM me if you need to chat with someone who has your problems. Even if it is just to vent. oh and welcome to the forums.
Edit: you need I think at least 5 posts in order to be able to send PM's just so you know if you decide you want a private chat with someone.

Thank you. I appreciate your invitation to chat and may take you up on your offer. That's why I am drawn to this forum. It makes me feel less alone to know that there are others out there like me. I don't usually see people with my type of anxieties in my day to day life which makes me feel alienated and flawed. I think what keeps me from CTBing is the mess I will leave behind, the people I will hurt and whatever consequences will come from my actions. I know I won't be here to see it but it still scares me to know that I will be the cause of those things.

How am I being mean? I'm just giving my opinion on the matter.

I suppose you are entitled to your opinion. CTBing may be simple and black and white to you, but it definitely is not for me. I am an overthinker so I'm looking at it from all angles. If I was more impulsive and spontaneous, then I would be dead by now. All you have to do is drink the sn drink and poof, your gone. I want that so badly so I can stop being in a constant state of worry and panic. I see it as finally turning my brain off. But then I sit there worrying about how it will feel to die, what if I screw it up, how will I hurt others by doing this. So maybe I just answered my own question and this is why I can't just do it. The physical action of killing yourself is easy but mentally, I think its hard as hell. That's just my opinion on the matter.

 

[ssaaahmo]

i relate a lot to what you said survival instinct has been a bitch to me also

 

[sweetdreams37]

I could of wrote this myself, and to top if off, I finally plucked up the courage to go and speak with a therapist waited a week for the appointment couldn't sleep, couldn't eat to be told when I arrived at my appointment that its been cancelled. I now have to wait another week and go through the same process.

I'm so sorry to hear your appointment was cancelled but I congratulate you on finding the courage to make the appointment. I haven't been able to find that courage myself yet. I'm rooting for you and hope your next appointment experience is better.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I made up my stat dose of SN last night and was fully prepared to end it all. I know deep down that I just want to be gone. I am so tired of living in my head. So tired of being so afraid of everything and always being in a panic over any little thing that comes up in my life. Things that other people seem to so easily do, I freak out over. I don't know why I'm like this but I don't want to feel this way any more. My anxiety is crushing me and I don't want to live with it anymore. But for some reason, I still couldn't drink the SN. Taking your life is so f**king terrifiying. So I'm scared to live and I'm scared to die. Where does that leave me?

We're evolutionarily hardwired to fear, and even loathe death. It's an aversion deep in our bones, programmed in, and very difficult, if not impossible to shake, no matter how much you hate life. Extremely suicidal bridge jumpers who survived have all reported a sickening fear overcoming them mid-fall, even though they jumped off with zero hesitation.

A girl who drank a huge volume of bleach in order to kill herself soon after called an ambulance, even though it was clear from her method of choice that she really wanted to die (she ended up dying). Before she drank it, she wanted nothing more than to die, but the SI took over as soon as did.

There is a part of your brain that values your survival over your quality of life, it doesn't care about how you feel. To overcome that primal force is a real challenge. SI is very, very real.