Venting Why cant i just die instead of this?

[catbunny]

I feel trapped between depression and severe social anxiety, and all I really want is to be a normal person. If I can't escape life, then I at least want to be considered average, someone who blends into the background and can simply get through the day. I just want time to pass without feeling constantly tired, anxious, panicked, or worried, and to survive each day without fighting my own mind.

I used to work at a coffee shop, but I got fired because I couldn't focus, kept making mistakes with receipts, and my communication skills were terrible. Every conversation made me panic. I don't naturally enjoy talking to people except sometimes with close friends, but I genuinely want to improve. I practiced every day in my head, thinking about what to say and how to act, yet when the moment came, panic took over and everything went wrong.

The day I got fired, I planned to stop working and depend on my parents, but then my mom was scammed and our family nearly faced financial collapse. So I applied for another job at an IELTS training center, working part-time as a consultant with many small responsibilities.

Now I feel anxious every day before work, constantly afraid of making mistakes or being too slow. The harder I try to act normal, the worse my panic becomes. I'm afraid to ask questions even when I'm new, because small reactions from others make me freeze and my mind goes blank or even panic.

Everyday, I come home completely drained, unable to do anything else. I want to do well in school, but I feel no motivation, and I don't even know if I chose the right major anymore. I feel stuck between wanting to improve and wanting to give up and do nothing, and I don't know what to do with my life.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

While I don't get the anxiety you get, I do get the depression so I understand that all to well. I'm sorry I don't know how to help or what advice to give, but since life has gotten so bad that you want to die, I wanted you to know that I understand. I also understand wanting to be an average person who can get through the day, but I'm never going to be one of those people sadly.

I too come home from work completely drained, but for different reasons, so I understand that too. If only we could both get through life without struggling so much or wanting to die so bad.

 

[Twink Death]

If you feel that life is shit, you can always make friends and interaction on the internet. Many people on SS are lonely and would like to talk to someone. You can also access world-wide entertainment from sites like Instagram. I know it's not much but that's my opinion.

 

[catbunny]

If you feel that life is shit, you can always make friends and interaction on the internet. Many people on SS are lonely and would like to talk to someone. You can also access world-wide entertainment from sites like Instagram. I know it's not much but that's my opinion.

I get your point, but it's hard to explain my situation. Maybe assuming it like my fate is to be on my own? I tried making friends online and offline for years, nothing lasts. I don't believe I'm all bad or good. I think it's because none of us tried to actually "be friends". And also my social anxiety is pretty bad even though I tried to hide it, I can tell people see how forced I am even on text. Not really that I hate them, just really really scared and overwhelmed and overthinking.