Why are you suicidal ? (main reason - poll)

[Lycan]

Why are you suicidal ? Thanks for your answers

I've been suicidal since I was a child. I've been sick my whole Life. I was a transplacental Lyme case, and I've got an autoimmune disease called Pandas. I'm in so much pain, but that's nothing compared to the hell that is my mind. I have constant, Horrible, intrusive thoughts and Germ/Fecal Phobia and other symptoms caused by my severe OCD. I can't function, I can't escape. Things just keep getting worse, not better. I just want it to end.

 

[Zyntkalla]

Mine is learning disability when I was younger. And it really bothered me because I couldn't keep up. And I really wanted to, and it really frustrated me. Then when I hit about twelve or thirteen. I ended up having epilepsy. And that made it even worse. Ended up having surgery to fix the correction, and for about 10 years, and then I came back about a year and a 1/2 ago.

 

[kopebaldy]

Because I'm a waste of oxygen who is a dead weight to everyone around me lol.
If I'm not such a coward I'd have killed myself decades ago.

 

[pinataheart]

Honestly it's a little bit of almost everything… I've seen enough out of life, and trying to mask my severe depression id starting to become unsustainable

 

[TransientEternal]

Because nothing feels fulfilling. The more life goes on the more problems just stack up while I already don't care about life. Life goes on and I just feel a sense of loss that keeps rising. I am apathetic and I do not understand myself.

 

[just_a_guy]

1. Existence is a joke and makes no sense to me.
2. Depression since I was 12.
3. My father relinquished custody of me when I was 6 in order to dodge alimony payments. He didn't do the same for my brother or sister, only me (for some reason).
4. My stepfather was in and out of my life, and he was mentally and verbally abusive.
5. By the time I was an adult, I had lived in 14 different places so consistency was a myth.
6. I was mostly separated from my brother and sister as we were shipped off to live with different family members.
7. I've lost all my friends either by pushing them away due to my self-hate, depression, or social anxiety, or because they were just using me.
8. Various health issues.
9. ADHD.
10. Anxiety.
11. Trouble sleeping.
12. Constant suicidal thoughts.

Looks like I have a theme for every month. Yay me!

 

[RadiantNumber]

Cause my life sucks

 

[PlasticLife]

I hate my parents. They don't care about me. I am a failure. I have no future. There is no hope for me. I don't have any friends. No one cares if I live or die, mostly people would just be shocked rather than be sad.

 

[unluckysadness]

Chronic pain and disability no treatments

Me too... Shitty neuromuscular disease and many other issues. That's why valium is my best friend (it helps for muscles spasms ans anxiety too). I wish you peace for your mind and your body. let's hope science or AI will find some treatments, but maybe too late for us :-(

I'm not sure if you meant to enable multiple choices on the poll. I picked three (Mental Health, Loneliness, & Trauma) but, really, the latter two fall under the umbrella of the former so my sole answer, if the poll wasn't multi-choice, would be "Mental Health" in general for this reason.

For me, those three answers I ticked off pretty much form a vicious cycle. First, I was abused growing up and therefore grew up with trauma which severely affected my ability to form healthy connections with other people or even just act "normal" around others. Naturally, this leads to conflict and rejection which then turns to loneliness: not only worsening my mental health but also denying me a support network for recovery. Conflict with others can also be traumatic in of itself; this additonal trauma, and my worsening mental health, then makes me more prone to interpersonal conflict in the future and starts the cycle all over again.

After a few runs of this cycle by the time I turned 10, it's no wonder that my suicidal ideation began when I was around that age.

exactly same as me. harrassment at school (started when i was 10 in a boarding school), and then it was worse because of high anxiety, agoraphobias and many troubles. so i can say i have suicidal ideations since i was 10. i'm now 30+ years later and my life was a nightmare. let's hope we'll have a good death and peace

I've been suicidal since I was a child. I've been sick my whole Life. I was a transplacental Lyme case, and I've got an autoimmune disease called Pandas. I'm in so much pain, but that's nothing compared to the hell that is my mind. I have constant, Horrible, intrusive thoughts and Germ/Fecal Phobia and other symptoms caused by my severe OCD. I can't function, I can't escape. Things just keep getting worse, not better. I just want it to end.

I have OCD too and many phobias (because of multiple traumas). good luck to you my friend. i know what it is to feel trapped

 

[derekWest]

For me, it's the climate crisis. I can't even look at the weather without wanting to kill myself. It's almost surreal to me, the fact that others aren't suicidal about such a hopeless scenario. The world is collapsing around me, and I see no other option than the crumpled up bus ticket in my hand.

Yes, I'm agree with you. But it take times to see consequences... it less visble than lack of money.

For me, it was climate crisis but also loneliness.
I manage to mitigate these problems temporarily thank to new connections (friends and hookups). And I accept also that the future will be quite awful because of climate change.
I will ctb when it will be really awful for me. So maybe in 10 years, I don't know...

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Conflicted thoughts. I have a strong desire to die - for various and multiple reasons - and this has been a wish for many years. Though there are also certain goals that I want to reach, and the desire to die makes me think that I will be "missing out" on attaining them; this is just one example of a conflict that I am having, but there are more which cannot be listed.

My thought process is trapped in a loop, so I am still here.

 

[SomedayorNexttime]

I accepted I won't be happy and that I suck as a human being, and I can't wait to get off this floating rock.

 

[JonCody]

chronic physical pain

Do you mind sharing the nature of your chronic pain

 

[WorldsEndFriend]

Tired of being alive mainly. Not many things hold my interest. I can't make friends, not that nobody wants to be my friends, but when I have friends, I sabatoge them out of fear of them leaving me or betraying me. The fear is so great I act out, but when I'm alone, I can be a good person all the time wtihout extreme panic.

Life is grey, I spend a lot of my time distracting myself with AI stuff, which I like, making my OC characters sing, writing stories, whatever. But that's an escape. Life itself is just... sigh.

 

[darksouls]

Do you mind sharing the nature of your chronic pain

joint pain
back pain
due to damaged intervertebral discs
headaches often leading to vomiting
due to damaged cervical spine

 

[unluckysadness]

Thanks for all your answers. I'm a little surprised to see the few responses on physical illness (I would have thought there were more disabled people like me)
but it doesn't surprise me to see so much mental illnesses on this forum (that i also have). All my support to you all

 

[Takeme2whereibelong]

Being raped on a regular basis as a child by your father and having a mother as a pedophiles accomplice does permanent psychological damage dosnt matter how old you get or how much help you try to get it never goes away. And then to lose the only one you ever trusted and was the only one to teach you what love meant.
"But oh wait its only menopause." I swear to god if one more person from the mental health teams says that to me, which im under currently since miserable failed attempt.

 

[LetMeOut67]

Misfit
Autistic
Seen enough / nothing really to look forward to
Hate the 21st century
Middle aged and body declining

 

[unluckysadness]

Being raped on a regular basis as a child by your father and having a mother as a pedophiles accomplice does permanent psychological damage dosnt matter how old you get or how much help you try to get it never goes away. And then to lose the only one you ever trusted and was the only one to teach you what love meant.
"But oh wait its only menopause." I swear to god if one more person from the mental health teams says that to me, which im under currently since miserable failed attempt.

I'm so sorry for your life I wish you the peace you deserve

Misfit
Autistic
Seen enough / nothing really to look forward to
Hate the 21st century
Middle aged and body declining

I feel you. The test says I don't have autism but I'm sure I have it too. Feeling like an alien since you're a chil, I truly understand it. We're only asking for peace...

 

[Alexandra_]

@LetMeOut what made you laugh?

 

[WeepingWorm]

I don't know how to feel about the fact that I got this shit filled out like a bingo card. If I have to be painfully rotting mentally every day, at least I wish I wasn't going blind. But when I got all that, I at least wish I had some money going for me. Big problems in all listed categories.

 

[contentedlyplanning]

It's been 17 years since my depression and suicidal ideation began and no amount of therapy, ECT, medication, etc has gotten me better. I have no more fight left in me.

 

[LetMeOut67]

@LetMeOut what made you laugh?

Laugh at what ?
Probably hit the wrong button.

 

[celtistan]

Because its over, i consumed all my life credits and chances. All what remains to come is just suffering. There some forms of suffering and struggling that is yet to come which i will never accept myself to even come close. By the time i decided to come out and make a comeback trying to preserve what have remained, it was just too late. It can be summarized that i failed to be a human.

Signed 5 boxes above.

 

[Daphne]

All of the above and more...
bullying
discrimination
maternal abandonment

 

[ninonino1]

Inner Akathisia. I could even live more with my horrible chronic pain. But to be tortured alive with basic tasks like waking up or eating, every day for over 3 years...I don't even feel real any more. Oh and I haven't had a decent sleep in 3 years. Not one. Is this a joke? No-one knows about this condition and it is the worst suffering anyone can endure.

 

[popcorn1234]

I only put trauma as a response, even though I have mental health issues (schizophrenia and depressive disorder), because I believe my mental health issues were due to the traumatic circumstances I endured.

 

[AlertCarrot]

I answered only trauma to the poll, but more specifically my issue is routine infant genital mutilation (circumcision) via gomco clamp that was done to me when born.

 

[MetallicCognition]

I chose Loneliness, and "tired of this life".

I have a loving family, who I distance myself from. My parents are nice but I don't feel I can talk to them somehow. I rarely see my extended family (aunts, etc) but they are lovely, smart, and supportive, generous, kind, and willing to talk to me about my shit. Yet, I don't talk to them. I feel embarrassed about who I am, how my mind works. I'm awkward, introverted, and usually want to be on my own. When I do talk to people, I'm quiet, and I don't know what to say, often making faux pas, or saying the wrong thing and making others uncomfortable that they have to talk around my awkward weirdness. So, I despise talking to people and socialising - so I don't. And that makes me incredibly lonely. I'm cantankerous and grumpy, and I'm a boring, void, empty shell of a person with no personality or interests or hobbies. I have a good job that pays well, but I work entirely from home by choice so I don't have to speak to coworkers. I isolate myself and then feel lonely.

I mostly feel that my suicidal feelings are quite invalid compared to others on here. Not that it's a competition, and I don't write this for sympathy or pity. But others have been through trauma, or mental health issues, or abuse, whereas I've had a sheltered and privileged life. I have plenty of money, and a good house and car. But I have nobody, because I intentionally isolate myself and push people away. I make no effort to make new friends, or find a partner, because I know I won't be wanted or appreciated; I have nothing to offer in a friendship. People don't want to be friends with a void empty shell. I feel worthless; a drain on the world's resources, offering nothing in return. I'm not a bad person, but I'm just a leech, quietly *existing*, wanting nothing, achieving nothing, doing nothing.

So my misery is mostly self-inflicted. But I do feel quite trapped in that this is just how my mind works, and I'm resigned that I'll be this way forever.

I can't help but see the valid reasons that people want to end their lives and think that next to them I have so much that I can't - or refuse to - appreciate. I have quite severe depression, and that's not invalid I suppose. But I can't help but hear the other side of the argument - you know, the generic counterarguments such as "if I just made an effort to have friends, and leave the house sometimes, I'd feel so much better"; and £you should be grateful - others have it so much worse", etc etc. And I agree. But I can't bring myself to give enough of a shit, to motivate myself to change how I am.

So I'm stuck in this pit of misery, unable to climb out. Will I ever take the coward's easy way out? I hope so every day, yet for over a decade I've carried on, not wanting to cause a fuss or cause grief in my loving family, thinking that maybe there's hope. But I'm tired of hoping and I just want to die.

 

[DerezzMyself143]

Because I'm a filthy pedophile. A monster like me does not belong in this world. And even if I have never acted on my urges and can more or less treat my paraphilic disorder in ways that don't harm children, the thoughts and stigma will never go away.

Being raped on a regular basis as a child by your father and having a mother as a pedophiles accomplice does permanent psychological damage dosnt matter how old you get or how much help you try to get it never goes away.

I'm truly sorry... No child should experience the absolute hell that you've been to. It's because of experiences like yours that I hate myself so much and I'd rather die than hurt a child.