Discussion Why are you guys suicidal.

[Iamhere2005]

Childhood trauma (I bet that's at the root of a high % of ppl on here, right?).
I'm safe, liked, job, etc but I can't fully connect with others cuz my attachment is messed up. I can't fully get close to ppl. Im in turmoil too much.
If I had one decent parent I would not be suicidal.
I've tried all the therapies and spent all my $ on treatments. Im still stuck.I've been courageous as hell but I'm here.
Trauma ain't no joke.

 

[howswho]

Idk honestly, I think in general my life is pretty good. It's just that I feel like there is something deep inside my mind, that I can't quite piece together. before this year, I had a lot of friends, and was in a big circle of people. Yet, I still felt wrong. Now I'm at a new school, with little amounts of friends, and I feel the same.

 

[jruo]

I have debilitating mental illnesses. Every time I try, it doesn't work out. Everything is always stagnant no matter how hard I try, nothing ever changes. I'm tired of struggling and hoping something changes.

I can't get close to people, I'm not built for what I desire. It's been this way all my life. I just want control of my own body, everyone deserves to be selfish, you can't help yourself until you realize sometimes you just cant make everyone happy all the time. It's a constant tango and it's mentally draining

 

[rottingaway26]

This describes my life experience so goddam well. I don't have much of a life, because it consists mainly of escapism and distractions. I am also 37, and feel very much like a child trapped in an adult's body. I have almost no self esteem and I'm uncertain about every little thing. It's so embarrassing, and I'm ashamed of almost every aspect of my life. I don't really understand why my friends like me, and I wish I could just get it over with and ctb. So fucking tired.

I'm 40 and I feel exactly the same.

 

[endless_pain]

lonely (in a sense that I have difficulty connecting with people) & no employment, dropped out of university and haven't tried anything worthwhile im tired

Childhood trauma (I bet that's at the root of a high % of ppl on here, right?).
I'm safe, liked, job, etc but I can't fully connect with others cuz my attachment is messed up. I can't fully get close to ppl. Im in turmoil too much.
If I had one decent parent I would not be suicidal.
I've tried all the therapies and spent all my $ on treatments. Im still stuck.I've been courageous as hell but I'm here.
Trauma ain't no joke.

You are not alone, I can relate to both of you the suffering is more or less the same.
I agree especially complex trauma is a serious condition

 

[FinalBossu]

I feel like I'm in a cyberpunk dystopia where living is expensive but life itself has no value. Corporate greed rules over all of us. Our only options are to either slave our lives away until we drop dead or to die on the streets by trying to break free from the system. Humanity isn't allowed to thrive or reach its full potential under the current system. We're expected to live like mindless, obedient machines because that's what benefits those in power. I've been told my whole life that I'm depressed because my brain must be flawed or defective in some way. In reality, I think depression is just one of the many symptoms of greater societal issues. Why would anyone be happy and complacent under this current system? Maybe you're one of the lucky few who doesn't have to worry about your personal finances. But look at how many people are left without homes. Or how many people are left without proper health care. Or how the world's ecosystems are collapsing. Human greed has obviously gone out of control and not enough is being done to address these issues. I don't want to kill myself but I'm at a point where I feel like I have to because what else are my options here? Maybe it'd be better to go down fighting for a better future. Maybe start a rebellion or uprising. But let's be honest here, I don't have that type of power. So unless I can convince the human population to join me in my fight, then it looks like it's game over. I refuse to participate in a system where my life was never valued to begin with.

 

[unnormal9]

I am suicidal because of the following reasons:
-Chronic pain
-Chronic fatigue (brought on from side effects of meds)
-Trauma, PTSD
-Having to unplug my ow life support, which was faux due to of the lack of money to pay others salary; i.e. game development.

Being in chronic pain is debilitating in itself, being a failure adds insult to injury, a fitting term of a burden.
No more running, just a faux reality.

 

[𖣴 nadia 𖣴]

I'm so sorry. I also caught covid in October last year and have felt like a shell of a person since. There's no end in sight or cure for this. I can't do the very few things that used to bring me joy. People deny that long covid is real and it makes me so angry because I used to be so active and held a 4.0 GPA. Now leaving bed and getting to class takes all the energy out of me. I sleep for 10 hours and still need a nap. Everyone around me gets angry at me and says I'm just lazy. I can't mentally handle dealing with LC and the social isolation that comes with it. I'm just so exhausted. I've also dealt with similar abuse as you. It feels like childhood abuse gives you a special lens to see all the evil that's around you. Unless you've lived it, you won't understand. Fuck this world. I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

Sorry you're going through this, I think more research is being done on this but there's very little support atm and the stigma makes things worse, my bf got long covid, it's jarring to hear people still complaining about the lockdowns and wearing a mask for a short while when others are still suffering the losses and impacts from covid.

 

[SpiderLink]

I would like to make it clear that I am no longer suicidal however I also don't really care if you are. I generally don't think you should CTB but you're not here to get lectured. So that being said I'm not really on this site to actually CTB, but I find it interesting to hear about others experiences and discuss things like suicide that are typically seen as taboo. If anyone wants their reason for CTB to be challenged then I'll try my best as I can't think of a fully justifiable reason to CTB, but I won't do so if not directly asked.

TLDR: I'm not suicidal anymore, but I want to hear about your reasons for being suicidal yourself.

And if anyone's wondering my reasons for being suicidal were mostly about this one person that I was deeply in love with but I knew I never had a chance of dating, that as well as an overall lack of self esteem and way too much stress.

It's honestly things that built up over time. Like a volcano. I've been diagnosed with a lot of different things, I've been bullied and abused a lot of my life (nothing physical tho) mainly for my differences. I have to hide me in order to feel safe, but that is safe either because I'm not being the real me. I have server trauma. And I was basically told by my doc that therapy wouldn't be beneficial for me, and in result would cause more hopelessness when something fails. A lot of things have failed and that just adds more fuel to the flames that already exist. Hope hurts so much more than giving up. I highly think I have BPD, I just haven't tried to get the diagnosis. But it won't matter in the long term, that's just one part of me. My thoughts never change no matter how much proof someone gives. I try so hard, just to fail and fall harder. People around me think I don't want to get better or make the change, I truly do but I can't just accept and move on. There's still a lot of threats in my life. I'm also aroace, so I'll be living alone for the rest of my life. I could go on, the possibility's r endless when it comes to me. And there's no one out there that went through the same thing I have, I look for anwsers everywhere, but it gets me nowhere. Left to be just hurt once again. "I'm just so tired of living this nightmare that I never prepared for"- a quote from one of my poems…

 

[justastranger]

Don't think I'm gonna succeed in the future, so don't see a reason to live for it, family, random negative thoughts etc

 

[sheepgirl]

Binge eating disorder is the main reason

 

[wanttodie]

The reason I am suicidal is that I'm sick of life and living and don't want to live anymore

 

[blackmask]

I feel like I'm in a cyberpunk dystopia where living is expensive but life itself has no value. Corporate greed rules over all of us. Our only options are to either slave our lives away until we drop dead or to die on the streets by trying to break free from the system. Humanity isn't allowed to thrive or reach its full potential under the current system. We're expected to live like mindless, obedient machines because that's what benefits those in power. I've been told my whole life that I'm depressed because my brain must be flawed or defective in some way. In reality, I think depression is just one of the many symptoms of greater societal issues. Why would anyone be happy and complacent under this current system? Maybe you're one of the lucky few who doesn't have to worry about your personal finances. But look at how many people are left without homes. Or how many people are left without proper health care. Or how the world's ecosystems are collapsing. Human greed has obviously gone out of control and not enough is being done to address these issues. I don't want to kill myself but I'm at a point where I feel like I have to because what else are my options here? Maybe it'd be better to go down fighting for a better future. Maybe start a rebellion or uprising. But let's be honest here, I don't have that type of power. So unless I can convince the human population to join me in my fight, then it looks like it's game over. I refuse to participate in a system where my life was never valued to begin with.

I've also been thinking about just starting some movement or publishing a manifesto and just dying because the feds are after me or some shit. You know, at the very least actually live in my last moments. See what shit could have been like. But I'm unable to do much as cognitively I'm not there anymore and I'm 19. Even today I had to fight myself because of some shit that happened on Discord. I was being piled on for no reason and that shit nearly drove me to tears. Maybe because they saw I was acting like a toddler or i was trying too hard. I carry around nothing but pure hatred for people and in any other situation if I didn't have the little young me left in me I would have probably killed someone by now. And I'm not messing around either. So a movement would be a better way to direct my hatred. To answer OP, severe personality disorder, suffering from complex trauma, anxiety, so depressed i have developed cognitive symptoms. Not to forget I have sought help but they're not even putting me in treatment.

 

[Hirokami]

Because there's no real cure from the trauma I've experienced and continue to experience.

 

[Jorckus]

I never understand people who don't think that suicide is a perfectly valid option in a world where there is unlimited potential to suffer so extremely and where we are only destined to be tortured by old age and die anyway. I would see it as being perfectly logical wanting to take control over my inevitable fate and prevent all future unnecessary harm caused by existing.

But in my case I want to die as to me existing is something so unappealing that could never be worth enduring, it's a completely futile and unnecessary struggle that certainly isn't for me in any way. I could never be delusional enough to wish to exist in this hellish world where there is no limit as to how unbearable existing can get, I see existence as being a cruel burden so unfairly forced on us that never needed to exist, we are slaves to the decaying flesh prison that is the human body and there is just no real relief from suffering as long as one exists here, we are trapped with our own thoughts in a world where chance so cruelly determines everything.

I certainly believe that it's always preferable to not exist, I see suicide as being self care as it solves all problems, I just have awareness that existing is a futile struggle with nothing to be gained by the process, there is no value in being trapped in this harmful world, I only see non existence as being ideal as it's the absence of everything, when death is perfection then I could never get why someone would prefer something so awful and meaningless as life. Life itself is the true problem which only death could solve for me.

Have you idk ever read a single fucking book, shit gets fucking tough in the end you come out on top, if your life is shit it's your fault but guess what's the beauty in it? You get to fucking fix it. Instead of crying and complaining about how shitty life is try to be optimistic a little and plan how to fix that shit

 

[harrypotter6784]

Have you idk ever read a single fucking book, shit gets fucking tough in the end you come out on top, if your life is shit it's your fault but guess what's the beauty in it? You get to fucking fix it. Instead of crying and complaining about how shitty life is try to be optimistic a little and plan how to fix that shit

How is this helpful?

Sorry to burst your bubble, but "books" aren't reality. You might always come out on top in life after facing struggles, but others don't. Some people just struggle and suffer their whole lives.

I don't know why I'm even replying to you. I won't change your mind. I don't really care if I do anyway. I guess it's just slightly annoying that I saw a rude comment.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

How is this helpful?

Sorry to burst your bubble, but "books" aren't reality. You might always come out on top in life after facing struggles, but others don't. Some people just struggle and suffer their whole lives.

I don't know why I'm even replying to you. I won't change your mind. I don't really care if I do anyway. I guess it's just slightly annoying that I saw a rude comment.

They have been making rude comments on a lot of threads. They are clearly very bored and miserable, otherwise they'd have better things to do with their time. Put them on ignore. They are not worth it.

 

[scamper]

I am suicidal because I ruined my future beyond repair. Fortunately for me, it is not the future yet so I still have some time to enjoy a decent life.

 

[harrypotter6784]

For me, right now, it's mostly the fact that years of drug abuse and psych drugs have reduced my ability to feel pleasure. I've been somewhat depressed my whole life, but even then I always had the ability to enjoy music or sex or chilling with friends and actively sought those things out. Now nothing packs quite the same punch, and I do not see the point in making an effort to work away at something for little mental reward. There's a quote from Bojack Horseman that comes to mind, something along the lines of "I keep turning over the nothing to find something, but all there is more nothing, and then I turn over that nothing but there's just nothing".

Something in my brain changed after I quit drugs, and my life got shittier. I wish sometimes that I never started using drugs to cope, or that I didn't stop using. The shit I worried and felt depressed about as a teenager seems trivial compared to this.

I don't know, it seems like there's always gonna be something shitty happening and that'll take over everything else no matter how hard I try to stay positive or work on it in therapy.

I don't want to die, I just don't want to live with my mind and the way it works most of the time. I've tried to change the way I think , but it didn't change how the bad always outweighs the good infinitely. I kind of just want to go back to living in the moment (using drugs again), impulsively and dangerously, until it stops being fun and then just opt out of living. There's just nothing really worth living for that I've found so far (except drugs lol), and I don't want to spend my whole life looking for this thing that probably doesn't exist.

TLDR: quality of life has been compromised by anhedonia and long standing depression. Really don't want to deal with both

Sorry for rambling, you can reply if you want to.

 

[Haruka]

I'm 19 without a mother who didn't even see me go into adulthood, a family who despises my existence and doesn't want me around anymore, no IRL friends, a lot of undiagnosed mental disorders and an eating disorder and I constantly feel like I'm a burden to anybody and everybody.

 

[No_Lxve]

I don't want to live because it seems like I have an overwhelming amount of bad luck. nothing goes the way I want it to go, I almost always fail at everything, just everything has gotten the wrong turn. (I wish the van killed me when I was smaller)

 

[momdontcryplease]

trans + ruined my life by dropping out of uni

probably ruined it even then by getting bad grades in hs so not even able to get into a good uni program

just a big sinkhole burden that no one will really miss. reality is I died a long time ago

 

[aliasblue.]

I would like to make it clear that I am no longer suicidal however I also don't really care if you are. I generally don't think you should CTB but you're not here to get lectured. So that being said I'm not really on this site to actually CTB, but I find it interesting to hear about others experiences and discuss things like suicide that are typically seen as taboo. If anyone wants their reason for CTB to be challenged then I'll try my best as I can't think of a fully justifiable reason to CTB, but I won't do so if not directly asked.

TLDR: I'm not suicidal anymore, but I want to hear about your reasons for being suicidal yourself.

And if anyone's wondering my reasons for being suicidal were mostly about this one person that I was deeply in love with but I knew I never had a chance of dating, that as well as an overall lack of self esteem and way too much stress.

Not exactly a person who craves life. I dissociate a lot and often feel disconnected from reality so I've never really felt an inclination to live. I do enjoy fleeting moments of happiness, but they are temporary. I am happy to have lived up till now since I met a lot of people and experienced various things. But currently, I feel like I know all that I need to know. The curiosity I once had for life, has disappeared and left me more withdrawn. The death of my lover also played a major role in my disinterest towards life. I am simply, tired of it. I want peace.

 

[warriorofeld]

Escape from a potentially worse pain than sn or ph or the train which are my 3 options respectfully, in short escaping ramifications of a stupid mistake I made with the wrong person. Don't wanna ctb but that's why I'm here for now gathering as much useful info to succeed should I have to. Don't see myself making it to the end of the year..

 

[DazaiKinnie]

I would like to make it clear that I am no longer suicidal however I also don't really care if you are. I generally don't think you should CTB but you're not here to get lectured. So that being said I'm not really on this site to actually CTB, but I find it interesting to hear about others experiences and discuss things like suicide that are typically seen as taboo. If anyone wants their reason for CTB to be challenged then I'll try my best as I can't think of a fully justifiable reason to CTB, but I won't do so if not directly asked.

TLDR: I'm not suicidal anymore, but I want to hear about your reasons for being suicidal yourself.

And if anyone's wondering my reasons for being suicidal were mostly about this one person that I was deeply in love with but I knew I never had a chance of dating, that as well as an overall lack of self esteem and way too much stress.

I have schizophrenia and my mind is slowly decaying, without meds my mind will continue to decay. Meds make it slower, but it did decay a bit and my learning and cognition had been affected somewhat(It's very common for me to spew word salads and I need to focus on what I say every time not to spew them out). And I am not even going to stress hallucinations enough, those things are horrible to have. You never know what is real and if you can trust your own reality.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

Every attempt I make to get out of poverty or improve myself ultimately fails. It's because I am just not capable. It's painful to want to do things but not be able to.

It's more complicated than that I guess but how can I really summarize all of the suffering I felt for years.

I have always struggled with depression but never felt like I would want to die until after my grandmother died in 2018, followed by grandfather in 2019.

I don't have childhood memories and basically only remember a very limited amount from like 14-24. I always just ignored this and tried not to think about it or worry about it. I just told myself some people are bad at remembering things.

Once my grandmother died in 2018 I just couldn't ignore it anymore. I can't remember any of the good and happy times I had with her when I was young, and she is the one that was kind and maternal towards me. (My mother is a narcissistic bitch) I did go to visit her 2-4 times per month and do things like her shopping or laundry or cleaning. Still I regret every day how I didn't do more, spend more time with her and my grandfather.

I have the sense that the person I am isn't real, I'm not a whole person. How can you be a someone when you don't have any memories of the life you lead, the life that shaped you?

 

[starlover]

All of my life's ambitions have fallen apart, small joys have been taken away one by one thanks to health and physical failings, and I'm a social person who has been chronically unable to make friends for years.

I had dreams of making an impact. Now I'm a half-househusband, half part-timer at a shitty job. My best friend is the pet. I numb myself with hipster culture and drugs, and the culture-to-drugs ratio is very much in favor of drugs these days.

Meanwhile I watch all of my friends and family rocket ahead, and leave me behind.

I've wanted to ctb for years. Recently I've just accepted the idea, instead of trying to resist it. No longer "a normally happy person with occasional suicidal thoughts," but "a suicidal person."

And that's led me here.

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

I feel like I'm in a cyberpunk dystopia where living is expensive but life itself has no value. Corporate greed rules over all of us. Our only options are to either slave our lives away until we drop dead or to die on the streets by trying to break free from the system. Humanity isn't allowed to thrive or reach its full potential under the current system. We're expected to live like mindless, obedient machines because that's what benefits those in power. I've been told my whole life that I'm depressed because my brain must be flawed or defective in some way. In reality, I think depression is just one of the many symptoms of greater societal issues. Why would anyone be happy and complacent under this current system? Maybe you're one of the lucky few who doesn't have to worry about your personal finances. But look at how many people are left without homes. Or how many people are left without proper health care. Or how the world's ecosystems are collapsing. Human greed has obviously gone out of control and not enough is being done to address these issues. I don't want to kill myself but I'm at a point where I feel like I have to because what else are my options here? Maybe it'd be better to go down fighting for a better future. Maybe start a rebellion or uprising. But let's be honest here, I don't have that type of power. So unless I can convince the human population to join me in my fight, then it looks like it's game over. I refuse to participate in a system where my life was never valued to begin with.

People always say do this or that, get a new job, take a class etc. They never acknowledge the reality, x percent of people have to be slaves for the society to function. Then they call you crazy for just stating the truth.

 

[milkandcoffee]

I don't like being alive. I'm just not happy. I've achieved several of my lifelong dreams, and I'm not happy. The fuck else is there to do to improve my situation? Take time off work when I'm already unemployed and don't actually need to work for a while? Find another soulmate? Learn a fourth instrument? Live abroad in a different country than last time? Find a fifth member for my mental health treatment team? Add a new anti-depressant when all the others haven't magically made me better? Get a second bachelor's? Adjust my vitamin routine again? Go plant some more kale plants in the garden?

Bla bla bla, I'm fully medicated, my diet is great, I get exercise, I have friends and hobbies and fulfilment. I've done everything I wanted and everything they say to do and I still don't like it here. I feel like I've seen enough. I don't finish every book I pick up.

 

[starlover]

I don't like being alive. I'm just not happy. I've achieved several of my lifelong dreams, and I'm not happy. The fuck else is there to do to improve my situation? Take time off work when I'm already unemployed and don't actually need to work for a while? Find another soulmate? Learn a fourth instrument? Live abroad in a different country than last time? Find a fifth member for my mental health treatment team? Add a new anti-depressant when all the others haven't magically made me better? Get a second bachelor's? Adjust my vitamin routine again? Go plant some more kale plants in the garden?

Bla bla bla, I'm fully medicated, my diet is great, I get exercise, I have friends and hobbies and fulfilment. I've done everything I wanted and everything they say to do and I still don't like it here. I feel like I've seen enough. I don't finish every book I pick up.

I hope this isn't rude, but "I don't finish every book I pick up" has me rolling lol.

You're funny.