Venting Why am i this way?

[OmoriFan]

No matter what I do I feel guilty, i dont even know why. I dont understand myself and the way I act. I hate how I hurt others because of my emotions which i cant control. In all honesty i feel like a horrible and selfish person.

I always talk too much which i later regret, i just cant seem to shut up and I hate it. I hate how I talk too much, especially when people start to notice that something is wrong. But I dont understand that since i do want to get help.

I just want to get close to someone and tell them about my struggles but I cant get myself to trust anyone, i feel disguisted when I think of talking about my emotions and I cant take it. I feel like a horrible friend.

I want to feel noticed but I dont want to the attention that comes with it. The worst thing is that I dont understand what happened to make me this way, i dont remember anything traumatic happening to me in the past so I wouldnt even know how to explain to someone my emotions.

I feel like nobody understands me and my feelings because everyone i know that struggles with something had something traumatic happen to them and I didnt. I feel like im just making things up and overreacting.

My life isnt even that bad, i have parents that care about me and some good friends but I cant get myself to be happy about it. I dont even feel empty (which i did when I was younger) its just a feeling that I dont understand. I feel like im ungrateful and that I dont have a reason for my feelings.

I also feel like im not bad enough to get help. Im too afraid to voice my worries out
So im just venting here since i dont have anywhere else to vent, but if someone felt something similar to me then I would be happy to know.

Im deeply sorry if there are any mistakes.

 

[nozomu]

I also feel like im not bad enough to get help. Im too afraid to voice my worries out

If something is impacting you enough to make life difficult, you deserve help to make it more bearable

 

[Archness]

Yeah, I've had no real traumas that would warrant it being a "reason" to feel how I feel, at least if I where to talk about it to a normal person. Often felt invalid in what I felt, what I thought. But at this point, through my introspection and independent research, I can say it's self-evident and actually DOES have some reason. Maybe you could also find a way to know yourself better and understand these feelings. As to what you could do with that knowledge, idk.

I really feel you with SaSu being the only place to vent or talk openly about these things. I'm too afraid of getting gaslight and dismissed by most other people IRL and online.