Venting Why Am I Such a Coward

[MBiopic]

Why can't I just fucking die. I am such a fucking coward. I have an access to a roof right now, and if I target my fall just right I can end it.
But I can't. My fucking survival instincts and my fucking family keep me here. I love them and I'm afraid of what they will feel when I'm gone. I hate that I care about that. I wish I just had the fucking guts to kill myself and not be afraid of the pain.
Plus the fact that I'm at my friend's birthday and my ex-girlfriend is here. Disclaimer: WE BROKE UP JUST YESTERDAY. and i've been acting like a fucking wimp around her. fuck her, fuck everyone, fuck my BPD, fuck me, fuck my life.

I'm so enraged at myself for not being able to just enjoy myself at my friend's bd party, and also for being unable to just jump off the roof, I'm too afraid of the pain if I fail, and of what's to come if I succeed. Why must it be so hard.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't really think that suicide is one of those things that can be called cowardly to not attempt as it just isn't on that magnitude. Suicide is perhaps the greatest and most difficult thing that a human being can do to where it's reasonable to be scared of it

 

[astr4]

survival instincts are very difficult to fight against. idk if it's cowardly, i think it's the hopeful part of you and that's okay. ctb will always be there at the end of the day, whenever you are ready. maybe that's tomorrow maybe that's never, but i hope you are patient with yourself. it sounds like you're suffering enough without calling yourself names as well.

 

[covwillgo]

dont force urself, dry out the chance of pleasure then go. ull feel it when its naturally time

 

[MBiopic]

Thank you all for your answers. I appreciate it

 

[meowingnomore]

sometimes the pain is worth fighting thru in the context of everything else, and if u can't stomach the thought of going thru with ctb then that might be the case for u

 

[steppenwolf]

dont force urself, dry out the chance of pleasure then go. ull feel it when its naturally time

Yeah this. SI is there for a reason, and you need to find out exactly why you still have it. People who really want to ctb don't have SI. I believe that in the end ctb is a steely cold matter-of-fact decision, not an agony of soul.