Venting Why am I still here

[alixisbonez]

It's taking every thing in me to not take my stitches out and find something sharp to cut it again and bleed to death
I was so close to actually dieing if I just stayed in bed or in my room I'd be dead and I would not have to deal with any of this
I cant sleep because all I see is my blood every where and I feel it I feel how it felt when I passed out and felt my heart and genuinely thought I was about to die I don't wanna remember I don't wanna deal with this I just wanted to be dead I wanted it to be over I was so close I could feel it I was almost free and ok and I couldn't have not had to remember this or deal with anything
I don't even know what to do I keep crying but I don't even feel anything I feel so much I'm I'm so numb I don't know how to explain I wish I were dead and I feel like a complete mess because I failed it wasn't even my fault I lived this time I could have died if I wasn't found if the paramedics just were a few more minutes longer I could have succeeded
Now I've just traumatized myself and my grandma who found me I'm so fucking selfish because it's still all I want I'm an awful person I've hurt people because if this just because I wanna die I hate this I hate myself I shouldn't be here anymore I've tried so hard why the fuck am I still alive

 

[EmptyBottle]

It's taking every thing in me to not take my stitches out and find something sharp to cut it again and bleed to death
I was so close to actually dieing if I just stayed in bed or in my room I'd be dead and I would not have to deal with any of this
I cant sleep because all I see is my blood every where and I feel it I feel how it felt when I passed out and felt my heart and genuinely thought I was about to die I don't wanna remember I don't wanna deal with this I just wanted to be dead I wanted it to be over I was so close I could feel it I was almost free and ok and I couldn't have not had to remember this or deal with anything
I don't even know what to do I keep crying but I don't even feel anything I feel so much I'm I'm so numb I don't know how to explain I wish I were dead and I feel like a complete mess because I failed it wasn't even my fault I lived this time I could have died if I wasn't found if the paramedics just were a few more minutes longer I could have succeeded
Now I've just traumatized myself and my grandma who found me I'm so fucking selfish because it's still all I want I'm an awful person I've hurt people because if this just because I wanna die I hate this I hate myself I shouldn't be here anymore I've tried so hard why the fuck am I still alive

So sorry this happened.... the days following a failed CTB attempt seem to be challenging... then (at least from my experience, but I merely tried night-night and skipped steps) it eases up...

Hopefully the PTSD reduces over time... merely watching a few seconds of the video caused temporary unease (until I learnt to cover part of it).

You didn't intend to cause such hurt to self and others, hopefully the hurt fades with time.

I believe the decision to CTB is a product of many factors... additionally, it can be hard to think of CTB's impact on the bus.

Think chance is why we survived (at least at the time of the post). I skipped steps in night-night.... and the proximity to others (even I wasn't too far from others at time of attempt) would've reduced our chances of boarding the bus.

Take it easy, friend. (Hope this sounds reassuring, not cliché).