Venting Why am I so selfish?

[derpcel]

I tried leaving my boyfriend, not because I don't love him, I love him with all my heart, but what I'm afraid of is hurting him with my death. I don't want to break up with him, yet I don't want him to know about the day I'll ctb. I'm not sure if I'm depressed, I don't think so, I personally think I'm pretty much sane, just tired of it all... and because of this I'm always so rude to him and most of the time I don't even want to talk with him, I get tired and my social battery goes down to 0% all the times. It hurts me to ignore him, I feel like an a-hole... I always tell him about my feelings and all, he tries to understand me and most of all he knows I have mood swings and that I'm not always lucid, he thinks that what i say is usally not serious, maybe as a coping mechanism for him as well, because I know I'm not helping him be happier by telling me how f-cked up my mind and body are atp.

 

[Huntfish34]

I don't think you are being selfish at all, just trying to help your b/f from dealing with your death. Main thing I gather from your post is that you have a big heart, and a very kind soul.

Take care of yourself if possible, Godspeed. ♥

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

i relate to all that. im basically the same way with my girlfriend, tho im trying to stick with her despite my plans to ctb even when im socially isolating myself. i used to feel like it was selfish of me, but even if i am 'selfish' i dont think thats necessarily bad. idk your situation but based on what you've shared i dont think any of that sounds selfish. no one is entitled to our time or attention, or our existence for that matter. but i do understand, navigating relationships while planning to ctb is a difficult situation and there's no easy answer