cracklingroses
Member
- Sep 10, 2023
- 73
"Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die?" - Edgar Winter 'Dying to Live'. Beautiful song.
Just wondering how you can make yourself care just enough about life and things again to keep people around you happy after you've tried to take your life?
Because, I do not care about anything. (Besides my loved ones).
Why should I care about anything if I was trying to completely rid myself from existence? How do you come back and continuously put on the mask of trying for the sake of everyone around you when all you want to do is to crawl up inside the hole you are in and just die?
My grandmother has never asked how I am after I have been in the hospital. She just thinks getting a job and being normal so she can have something to brag about to her peers at her assisted living would cure everything. My whole family thinks I should brush off years of medical negligence, mental ilness, and addiction and just "be normal". "Why can't you just be like everyone else?"
Well maybe I would be if I didn't lose my mind and body to psychiatry at the age of 12. Maybe I would be if your abuse and neglect didn't get so bad that I had to be overmedicated in hospitals to keep me from harming myself. Maybe I would be if you didn't agree to having me go through ten ECT treatments at the age of 16. Maybe things would be a lot different if different decisions were made. But we "can't live in the past". can we?
People aren't always going to be able to be 100% productive, functioning people. Not everyone's path turns out like that. Very few I am sure actually do.
Why can't just existing and surviving be enough, as long as you aren't hurting anyone else?
I am just so exhasuted and I just cannot bring myself to do anything anymore. I don't want to be here anyways. I am not home here. I don't know why I can't just leave already.
Just wondering how you can make yourself care just enough about life and things again to keep people around you happy after you've tried to take your life?
Because, I do not care about anything. (Besides my loved ones).
Why should I care about anything if I was trying to completely rid myself from existence? How do you come back and continuously put on the mask of trying for the sake of everyone around you when all you want to do is to crawl up inside the hole you are in and just die?
My grandmother has never asked how I am after I have been in the hospital. She just thinks getting a job and being normal so she can have something to brag about to her peers at her assisted living would cure everything. My whole family thinks I should brush off years of medical negligence, mental ilness, and addiction and just "be normal". "Why can't you just be like everyone else?"
Well maybe I would be if I didn't lose my mind and body to psychiatry at the age of 12. Maybe I would be if your abuse and neglect didn't get so bad that I had to be overmedicated in hospitals to keep me from harming myself. Maybe I would be if you didn't agree to having me go through ten ECT treatments at the age of 16. Maybe things would be a lot different if different decisions were made. But we "can't live in the past". can we?
People aren't always going to be able to be 100% productive, functioning people. Not everyone's path turns out like that. Very few I am sure actually do.
Why can't just existing and surviving be enough, as long as you aren't hurting anyone else?
I am just so exhasuted and I just cannot bring myself to do anything anymore. I don't want to be here anyways. I am not home here. I don't know why I can't just leave already.
