I'll think of everything that has transpired since my inception. I don't remember all the details, but right before I ingest the SN drink, I imagine that all the events that have occurred over the last 7-8 years would flash before my eyes. Whether it's my friends, my parents, my ex, the first girl I fell in love with, my haters...... I'll most certainly die with regrets. The past 7 years had been my prime. It's when I felt most alive. So knowing that I could never, ever do what I love anymore left behind a void that could never be filled.
With my real name doxed, it great affects employment in unrelated fields as well. I screwed myself over and deserved it 100%. Hopefully, when I CTB, the world will be a better place. I've hurt and used countless people. Back when I was hella confident and so damn proud, I would always see those around me as pawns. I would pretend to care for them just like the manipulative fuck I am. The faux comfort I give them made them drop their guard, which made it easy for me to use them.
I don't know if any of you are into anime here, but a good number of people, whether they were friends or haters, compared my manipulative nature to Light Yagami, the protagonist of Death Note. He used everyone around him as pawns, and when he was finally exposed for his atrocities, he had a breakdown and he passed away shortly to gunshot wounds. He was 23 at death. But unlike Light, who didn't choose to CTB (since he was way ambitious for his own good, and was confident that he would never be exposed), I am electing to put an end to my sorry existence once and for all. One common element between Light and I is dying full of regrets and agony. Before Light died, he weakly yelped the names of the two women he used as his pawns, only to learn that they aren't around to rescue him, nor bid him farewell. Light died alone. So will I.
I've always been disliked by the wide majority of people, no matter which community I was a part of, regardless if it was online or in real life. I feel even sadder when some of my online friends would defend my atrocities, so I had to push all of them away for their own good. I actually cried when I learnt of that. I'm so pathetic. I *did* make true friends, but I never really cherished them.
I really am fucked up on so many levels. The lowest of the low. I don't deserve to live. Kinder people that are lying in hospital beds with chronic/terminal illness deserve to lead better lives than me. I had it all; if only I was a better person, things wouldn't turn out like this. Materialistic wealth means nothing if you are never be thankful nor grateful for the resources you have. Some less fortunate people would have most definitely benefited with all these resources. But me? I took it all for granted. Like it was a law of nature.
Someone that has so much hatred inside of him is better off gone for good. I'm just cancer in human form. All living beings are going to die someday, even those that get to live up to the 70s and 80s. Maybe they had already accomplished their life goals and made all of their dreams come true, and they're prepared to pass on with no regrets. I would loved to lead a life like that too. Unfortunately for me, I won't ever be remembered as anyone great, much less an influential figure. So, I'd much rather not live the rest of life in agony and regret. I am electing to take matters into my own hands and do everyone a favor by terminating myself.
Maybe my story would reach the local news. Maybe not. And if it did, since I left behind multiple text documents and an audio file, as well as links that detail my downfall, the only thing that I'll be remembered for was being a twat for 7 years. 1/3 of my lifespan.
I don't even want to imagine my mother's reaction when she finds out that I actually CTBed. I'm her firstborn. She would miss me a lot, and I have no doubt in my mind that she will be heartbroken. She tried her hardest to fix me. She tried to make me see the error of my ways. And it's not just her. Plenty of other people too. They all hoped that I would change for the better before they all turned their backs on me. I'm such a waste of space..... which is why I am looking forward to ending myself. I should have never been born. Bringing me to this world was a mistake that my mom should have never committed.
