Who else has wanted to kill themselves for years?

[nothingleft]

But has never been able to follow through. Fear, guilt, failure to succeed always gets to me. I want a reason to live more than anything. I want to feel better. I don't WANT to die, just to escape from this. Never having been born is what I want, not painfully hanging myself in hopes I can endure the pain long enough for it to eventually work. I want my best friend who's been right there with me, struggling with her mental health, to give a shit again like we used to with each other. We've saved each other's lives so many times. I don't want to be here anymore, I really don't. I've been too low for too long, tried everything. Years of therapy, so many different drugs, more radical treatments. I'm more depressed than ever and so, so tired of feeling so horrible and lost - trapped - every day. I've lost interest in everything. I just want to get out for good.

 

[Responsibleresident]

Off an on yes. This culture is hateful. The architects here are bigots.

 

[nothingleft]

Off an on yes. This culture is hateful. The architects here are bigots.

Curious what you mean

 

[Responsibleresident]

My race isnt even acknowledged here. My sexuality does not exist here in a supposedly ultra liberal and tolerant culture, my memory is suppressed, i am persecuted and humiliated, my real identity is hidden. I am excommunicated. My sovereignty is attacked. Im disabled worse than I should because the culture here is incredibly inhumane while thinking it is harmless. I dont enjoy basic human rights.

 

[Alec]

My race isnt even acknowledged here. My sexuality does not exist here in a supposedly ultra liberal and tolerant culture, my memory is suppressed, i am persecuted and humiliated, my real identity is hidden. I am excommunicated. My sovereignty is attacked. Im disabled worse than I should because the culture here is incredibly inhumane while thinking it is harmless. I dont enjoy basic human rights.

Acceptance and respect and acknowledgment of your race and sexuality IS part of the basic human rights!!! I am so sorry you live in such a horrible country!!!! I love you forever!!!

 

[lizinha]

I don't think anybody is ever truly ready, it just happens. Survival is programmed hard into us so that's pretty much our objective. you're going against billions years of evolution and that takes alot of willpower and courage. I understand you I've been suicidal for 7 years and I'm still here.

 

[Pan]

I have suffered from suicidal ideation for many years. In my opinion, once that door, if you will, is opened, you can never close it again.

 

[nothingleft]

I have suffered from suicidal ideation for many years. In my opinion, once that door, if you will, is opened, you can never close it again.

Agreed. It becomes a constant option. "I can always kill myself if I can't deal with this shit anymore..." But I don't have a gun. If I did I'd be long gone. The only methods available to me are doubtful to work and painful as hell. I can't stop feeling like every time I back out of hanging myself I come to regret that decision.

My race isnt even acknowledged here. My sexuality does not exist here in a supposedly ultra liberal and tolerant culture, my memory is suppressed, i am persecuted and humiliated, my real identity is hidden. I am excommunicated. My sovereignty is attacked. Im disabled worse than I should because the culture here is incredibly inhumane while thinking it is harmless. I dont enjoy basic human rights.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I've wanted to do it almost constantly for the last 2 years, with a few periods here and there where I didn't think about it quite as much. It just seems like I don't have what it takes to survive in this world and the more I think about the future, the more I want to end it so I don't have to worry about getting cancer or other serious illnesses, which could happen at any time.

It also doesn't help that I keep going from one shitty job to the next, hoping that it will be less stressful, only to find out that it isn't. If I work my whole life away for money like I am, without doing something that benefits others and makes me feel good about myself, I'm going to end up worse off if a debilitating illness comes along that makes it impossible to take care of myself.

The only thing that is keeping me from doing it now is a couple of people that I don't want to hurt by heading for the bus stop too early, but I don't know how long I should even wait for them. If it was the case that I didn't have to wait for anyone else to die naturally first, I would be creating a good-bye thread right now. If a serious illness comes along while they are still around, then what should I do? Should I just suffer because I want them to die before me, or just get it over with? It would be better if I didn't even have to wonder about these things. I almost died once when I was a baby, but I survived somehow. Sometimes I wish I had actually died back then, just so I wouldn't have had to think about this stuff in the first place.

 

[Taki]

Agreed. It becomes a constant option. "I can always kill myself if I can't deal with this shit anymore..." But I don't have a gun. If I did I'd be long gone. The only methods available to me are doubtful to work and painful as hell. I can't stop feeling like every time I back out of hanging myself I come to regret that decision.

Unfortunately that's exactly what I do. There is no treatment for me. And then you live this life where half your waking hours are an obsession with killing yourself. That in itself is a good reason to end it all. I can't remember a time when I didn't ultimately think of suicide as the outcome for me.

 

[Largeletters]

I've been suicidal for years, on and off but for the most part the feeling of undeniable emotional pain that has yet to be cured has been there as long as I can remember, since I was about 6 years old, but at that age, and for several years forward, I did not know that suicide was a literal thing.

 

[Sayo]

16 years. (I'm 26)

 

[Pan]

While I have never self harmed my body, I self harm in my own mind, everyday

 

[Remember to forget]

I totally understand and relate to all you have said nothingleft. From the age of 14 I wished I had never been born. I'm not religious but I have prayed many nights to never wake up, unfortunately I wake up to the sound of an alarm every morning feeling a deep annoyance that my wishes haven't come true or even been considered. I can't help you feel like you are worthwhile but I'm sure many people in your life will think you are, even if you don't believe it.

 

[LittleJem]

20 years of wanting to die, it is getting more decided

 

[waterbottleman]

No I've been depressed for a long time but have only been suicidal for the past 9 months.

My suicidal ideation has progressed very quickly in those 9 months. For the first 6 months I merely engaged in suicidal ideation. I just thought about it and once in a while looked at methods but wasn't serious about actually doing It. That changed last December, I pulled the trigger and ordered SN and meto.

Right now I'm at the point where I may ctb in the next week or 2.

My biggest hurdle to ending my life was getting the will power to get off my ass and clean, organize, and pack up all the stuff in my apartment so when I ctb my family will easily be able to get my stuff. I spent all day yesterday doing this and I made a ton of progress. My apartment is spotless and organized now. Just gotta take the next step of packing my stuff in boxes and writing my suicide notes and I'll be ready to leave life.

 

[Mr2005]

10 years after wasting 6 unnecessarily. Never got over it

 

[Inmyhands]

I have suffered from suicidal ideation for many years. In my opinion, once that door, if you will, is opened, you can never close it again.

I couldn't agree more. Once you've truly considered it and realised it is an option, it never leaves you. When I was about 14/15 I remember wanting to jump in front of a lorry or jump off a bridge that's over a motorway. It shocked me that if I really did want to die, I could and that idea never left me, it's just gotten stronger as time has gone on.

 

[Remember to forget]

I couldn't agree more. Once you've truly considered it and realised it is an option, it never leaves you. When I was about 14/15 I remember wanting to jump in front of a lorry or jump off a bridge that's over a motorway. It shocked me that if I really did want to die, I could and that idea never left me, it's just gotten stronger as time has gone on.

I also agree. I used to walk out in road without looking at that age. There were several things going on in my life at the time but I don't think it justified the emotional reaction. Once it's on your mind it tends to rear its ugly head when least expected and hits harder each time x

 

[faust]

I cannot say I wanted to die for years, but I am suicidal since 2012. Sometimes dreams of suicide were replaced by unwillingness to live in this world and lack of desire to live the life I did then. Now, when I do not see any perspectives, I have them both. I cannot live the life I want, the world is different to the one where I could feel better and I am suicidal because of a bucket of other reasons.

 

[STRIKER19966]

Well I've been suicidal since 2010. So yeah. Never really wanted to go through it because I was afraid what might happen if I failed. But I think this year I'll go through it.

 

[SugarbushMtn]

On and off for 35 years, yes.

 

[oxymoron]

But has never been able to follow through. Fear, guilt, failure to succeed always gets to me. I want a reason to live more than anything. I want to feel better. I don't WANT to die, just to escape from this. Never having been born is what I want, not painfully hanging myself in hopes I can endure the pain long enough for it to eventually work. I want my best friend who's been right there with me, struggling with her mental health, to give a shit again like we used to with each other. We've saved each other's lives so many times. I don't want to be here anymore, I really don't. I've been too low for too long, tried everything. Years of therapy, so many different drugs, more radical treatments. I'm more depressed than ever and so, so tired of feeling so horrible and lost - trapped - every day. I've lost interest in everything. I just want to get out for good.

Me. Aye, sir.

 

[Indieblue]

18 years....

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

For me, it comes and goes.

But when it shows up, it's all-encompassing and very. very tough to overcome.

 

[BlackPoppet]

I cannot say I wanted to die for years, but I am suicidal since 2012. Sometimes dreams of suicide were replaced by unwillingness to live in this world and lack of desire to live the life I did then. Now, when I do not see any perspectives, I have them both. I cannot live the life I want, the world is different to the one where I could feel better and I am suicidal because of a bucket of other reasons.

Yes I feel the same way!

 

[oxymoron]

18 years....

Damn. How?

 

[BlackPoppet]

I feel suicidal quite a lot of the time. Recently it's getting more and more like it's every day. My mental health difficulties are getting worse even though I'm in therapy. I don't speak to my family because of their apathy towards me. So no support for me.

 

[It'llNeverEnd]

I'm going on a least 25 years of suicidal ideations. been hospitalized and nearly died from most of them over a dozen times. problem seems to be I keep picking things that take too long to happen.

 

[mediocre]

Yes since I was 12. But it has gotten more urgent in the past year due to a sharp decline in my mental and physical health. I suffer from so many physcial ailments now and the health care system is so awful I am repeatedly ignored or dismissed. It used to be bad but I could at least leave my flat a little while. Now it's unbearable. I am just sitting around waiting to die now but too afraid to ctb.