Gaming (mostly old FPSs & adventure games these days, plus whatever else happens to catch my interest), playing through Bungie's Oni at the moment. I wish I could enjoy gaming as much as I used to, but it is what it is. Law of diminishing returns, plus built-up anhedonia, and all that. The fact that I'm still playing any at all is enough to be "thankful" for I suppose, but, then again, what else is there to do for someone like me? It's all an act of desperation, ultimately.
Music (depends on what mood I'm in, sometimes I'll listen to Woods of Ypres, Agalloch & Opeth then the next time I'll listen to The Smiths, The Cure, Dead Can Dance or Low, Slowdive, Duster or Nick Drake, Jackson C. Frank, Jim Croce). My top three favorite bands are Alice in Chains, Pink Floyd & The Pixies. I'm also quite fond of the ambient genre (Burger Ink's Las Vegas, Thomas Koner's Teimo & Gas's Zauberberg are a few little known albums in this genre that I quite enjoy listening to) I always love finding a new awesome song or band I can listen to. One of the few good things I can look forward to.
Sleeping/dreaming. Just had a dream I was riding on the back of a dragon through giant waterfalls with interlinking caves between them. Later, I remember flying over these black abstract rings as the dragon as I was going down a horizontal waterfall and then trying to climb up a cloud's tendril to try and reach something. There was also a destroyed, gigantic airship on a Pirates of the Caribbean-esque dock in one part of the dream and I was observing the captain discuss what had happened with another man and woman. It all felt strangely sad. Like there was nothing that could be said or done, just resigned acceptance. Anyway, I wish I could remember more of my dreams. I've thought about maybe keeping a dream diary, or something, but enh. I don't know. I also really wish I could lucid dream and have my own dream world, in a Yumme Nikki sort of way. It's always neat when I revisit a landscape from a dream long ago. Needless to say, but the hardest part of sleeping is waking up later. Although these days, I get really disoriented before going to sleep. Kind of like I'm in the middle of a really bad fever, or something. It can be quite unpleasant losing myself in the delirium that follows. I've had a few bouts of derealization since taking some Phoenix Tears (THC concentrate), so maybe that's why. Hard to say, given the isolation.
Staring at the furniture and daydreaming about stuff, mostly my own death (surprise, surprise). This one's an inevitable guarantee (good, or bad) since it's what I do when I don't have the energy for anything else, so everyday basically. It can be quite painful, but sometimes it's not so bad. I can tune out for hours sometimes just laying on the couch staring out at nothing, or the patterns I start to see in random objects around the room (almost like looking up and seeing shapes in the clouds). Sitting in odd positions or spots can also be somewhat novel for me. Marking myself up can also be an option if I'm in the mood for it. I'd like to read more as well, but it's tough. I really want to finish reading Hyperion someday, but the act just feel so draining. My brain's a fried lump of crap, plus I'm a lazy, inept moron, so it's always an uphill struggle. I'd like to also read the Dune series and House of Leaves.
Movies/TV are pretty sporadic at best. Most TV shows bore me and I haven't watched one in ages (aside from DS9). Movies are more spur of the moment. Mostly really old foreign stuff (Wages of Fear, Umberto D, Un Homme Qui Dort, Stalker etc.)
Anime is somewhat of a new one for me. Haven't watched any since I was a kid (Dragonball Z, Inuyasha, Yu-Gi Oh, Pokemon, and lots of other weird anime that would air on Fox Kids). Most of those shows kinda turned me off the genre, since they were so crammed full of filler and the same old repetitive crap being recycled over and over. I also watched some Miyazaki films as a child (My Neighbor Totoro & Kiki's Delivery Service). Probably one of the few warm memories I have from childhood. Over the years I've watched other anime films here and there (Princess Mononoke, Akira etc.), but that's about it. I watched Welcome To The NHK a couple years ago through YouTube on a whim and I recall it being mostly alright. Found it a bit weird how he left his apartment so often and had friends, but maybe that's just me. Having a show where Satou just sat in his room all day doing nothing wouldn't be very interesting, I suppose. Anyway, lately I've been watching a lot more anime related stuff. Watched all of Satoshi Kon's work, amazing stuff to be sure (Paprika, Tokyo Godfathers & Paranoia Agent being my favorites). I also caught up a bit on some of Miyazaki's films I hadn't watched yet (Nausicaa & Spirited Away in particular). Although, Spirited Away made me feel so awful afterwards. I was so completely entranced by the world and its characters only to be ripped away from it all and come plummeting back to this grim, dull reality. Movies like that are almost too good to watch, if you know what I mean. It's just too depressing to see that window into another beautiful world close. Serial Experiments Lain by Yoshitoshi ABe, was also great. Really loved the atmosphere. There's a scene in one of the earlier episodes where Lain is just wandering around her strangely empty house looking to see if one of her family members is around before she goes to sit down for a while then gets up to check all the rooms again and they're still empty and there's this eerie piano music playing the whole time and I don't know. It just really stuck out to me. It felt like my whole life summed up. Like isolation personified. I also just finished up with Texhnolyze the other day. Really, really liked it. Almost wish I could erase my memory of it and watch it all again. That ending was pretty damn bleak though, even for me. Made me feel intensely melancholic and kinda miserable, but in a good way, sort of. The themes of giving up the will to live and just waiting for the end to come hit especially close to home for me, particularly in the surface focused episodes near the end. If only I were lucky enough to have Ichise offer to pop me in the head like he did for one of the irreverent surface ghosts he came across, but alas. Gonna probably watch Ergo Proxy next, then either Berserk or Cowboy Bepop at some point after that.
Exercising. Just using the treadmill for about an hour each day. I was doing this back in 2016 for a couple months, but the tread started to stick really bad and my parents started stacking some boxes on it and, enh. So it goes. I'm using it again though, so that's something I suppose. At least the tread's not sticking anymore, for whatever reason. I'd like to have it moved in here despite the lack of space. It'd just make it easier, since then I wouldn't have to leave my room. When all's said and done, it's just something to do. I'm also only eating one meal a day, though I've essentially been doing that for a long time now.
It'd be nice if I could do something creative with the copious amount of time I have on my hands, but that's beyond me. Barely managed to do this as it is.
I desperately wish I could take and enjoy more drugs. I'm so frightened of their effects, though. Even something as light as THC was way too overpowering for me. I just want to feel relaxed. I've suffered from acute, reoccurring stress/depression pretty much all my life and I have an extremely high-strung temperament. It's almost everyday I've been grappling with it, completely sober for the last 26 years of my life. I just want something, so I can relax when I'm really suffering. Something I can depend on to stop what I'm feeling dead in its tracks. Like a nice calm, half-drowsy sensation, or something. I just want to finally relax for christ's sake. A mercy that is continually denied to me, it seems. I wish I had some opioids, or something. I know I could get them through DNMs, but I'm so tired and weak. The effort required feels overwhelming. It's all so hopeless.
