Things have more or less gotten worse for me with every passing year since I was 11. That was when the bullying got bad, mental illness kicked in, and my subsequent inability to cope with life began. I went on to make one mistake after another, and my mental illness became progressively worse, culminating in me dropping out of university (several years ago) at the beginning of my final year. Despite all this, I somehow managed to delude myself (in between my bouts of MDD) into believing that I would find a way to turn things around and make up for all my years of loserdom. It was only in November of last year that I fully woke up to the true hopelessness of my situation, which caused me to go spiraling into a desperately suicidal state. I remained in this state up until a couple of months ago, when I started to come to 'peace' (and I use that word very loosely) with the realisation that my life will never be worth living, and that my only real option is to ctb. So, to finally get to the point, the period between late 2018 and early 2019 was the worst for me.