Venting where the fuck is the help

[mymarbles]

i'm tired of waiting. so fucking tired. i tried so hard to make it through university with growing cognitive decline, loss of words, inability to articulate myself, can't engage in conversation because i feel so demented. my thoughts come in such small fragments it's disturbingly straining to piece thoughts into words, words into sentences, etc, all while sounding coherent. i'm losing so many words i can no longer communicate my struggles properly. english is my first and only language but it feels more like a second or third language. i reached to my universities clinic and asked about a psychoeducational evaluation because what i am capable of academically right now is such a tiny, tiny fraction of what i used to be. and it's only progressed worse. my last attempt in may left me in the icu for some time and i was not referred to any kind of help or ward after regaining consciousness. just discharged and sent home. the university doctor told me he would not be referring ne to the university psychiatrist. i contacted e-visit doctor and they said "so, you had your follow up with psychiatry since the icu, right?" no, i was given nothing, from no one, and the e-visit doctor would not refer me to anyone because "the hospital wouls have done that" and she ended rhe session before i could articulate anything. but it's unnerving that i'm gradually losing my ability to think, to converse, to do absolutely anything and am given no help. i've reiterated to my university doctor that i am in SIX years of undergrad and failing. that i've tried killing my self and still struggling worse. genuinely what else can i possibly fucking do?? i'm in despair. i don't plan on a future because my cognition has only ever declined and i have been denied and denied and denied any kind of psychiatric or neurological help, i'm in canada ffs, it's frustrating that people assume there's no effort from your own end.

i'm tired of waiting. so fucking tired. i tried so hard to make it through university with growing cognitive decline, loss of words, inability to articulate myself, can't engage in conversation because i feel so demented. my thoughts come in such small fragments it's disturbingly straining to piece thoughts into words, words into sentences, etc, all while sounding coherent. i'm losing so many words i can no longer communicate my struggles properly. english is my first and only language but it feels more like a second or third language. i reached to my universities clinic and asked about a psychoeducational evaluation because what i am capable of academically right now is such a tiny, tiny fraction of what i used to be. and it's only progressed worse. my last attempt in may left me in the icu for some time and i was not referred to any kind of help or ward after regaining consciousness. just discharged and sent home. the university doctor told me he would not be referring ne to the university psychiatrist. i contacted e-visit doctor and they said "so, you had your follow up with psychiatry since the icu, right?" no, i was given nothing, from no one, and the e-visit doctor would not refer me to anyone because "the hospital wouls have done that" and she ended rhe session before i could articulate anything. but it's unnerving that i'm gradually losing my ability to think, to converse, to do absolutely anything and am given no help. i've reiterated to my university doctor that i am in SIX years of undergrad and failing. that i've tried killing my self and still struggling worse. genuinely what else can i possibly fucking do?? i'm in despair. i don't plan on a future because my cognition has only ever declined and i have been denied and denied and denied any kind of psychiatric or neurological help, i'm in canada ffs, it's frustrating that people assume there's no effort from your own end.

is it realistic to try severing your own cartetoid arteries? i'm really good at restricting blood flow until it feels things are going to pop (i started doing this long after significant cognitive decline) but if i can i really want something to happen where it can look like some accident/medical happening. rn i have 10k+ g of what almost worked last time (when i used ~4k g) but i do prioritize it not looking like a suicide to everyone else. i'm just tired and am losing the ability to communicate/think and can't be bothered to articulate myself anymore anyway.

 

[melonpan]

It's ironic how despite the emphasis on psychiatric help and all that, it's just simply so difficult to get it.
Severing your own arteries may not only be difficult because of SN but, even if you do, it's both a very painful process and a very painful death, not recommended

 

[mymarbles]

It's ironic how despite the emphasis on psychiatric help and all that, it's just simply so difficult to get it.
Severing your own arteries may not only be difficult because of SN but, even if you do, it's both a very painful process and a very painful death, not recommended

thank you, i've been very delirious these past few months and convinced i can cause myself some sort of aortic dissection with enough research and effort but i definitely need to accept that it's unrealistic. sn wasn't in the picture, though

 

[nihilistkaze7]

+1 cutting is an awful method, from the pinned post:

Cutting
This method is often sought out by people who have seen it in movies or TV shows. It should not be considered a method, as it is only in these shows to play it up for the movies. With a success rate of ~1-4%, the odds are the opposite of in your favor. While they make it seem like you can take a razor blade to the wrist and peacefully slip into unconsciousness in the bathtub, in reality it is nothing like that. The human body is wired to not be able to harm itself in this way. In order to die from blood loss you would have to cut an artery. The arteries are meticulously located beneath several layer of muscle, tendons, and other tissues. They are not meant to be cut, especially not on purpose. Even with wonderful understanding of anatomy, such as healthcare workers, you would have a very, very poor chance of reaching them unless you were in a state of psychosis. If you attempted to, you would find yourself halfway there before realizing you mentally and physically cannot get yourself to go any further. Your mind will stop you without you having any control over it. Many people argue that if they get drunk or high beforehand they will be able to overcome it, however this would impair your ability to properly locate and cut to the arteries. The biggest risk with this method is permanent nerve damage to whatever area you attempt to cut. Depending on how deep you get before aborting, you may end up with severe scarring and potentially anemia or other blood loss related conditions.

as to your cognitive decline- when i say i have experienced something similar, i mean it's almost exactly to what you describe. decline in ability to entertain long trains of logical thought and being unable to articulate yourself in a native language resonate strongly with me.

i'm sorry you haven't been able to get the help you needed.

piggybacking off of my own experience.. perhaps the suffering you've sustained and are currently going through has put your brain into a state of 'limp mode.' your brain is an organ, and it certainly can and will limit activity where it feels like it needs to. activity can mean anything from: emotions, raw ability to go through trees of logic, short/long-term memory, verbal communication, all that shit.

in other words, depression can heavily lower your cognitive ability to the point of struggling to maintain coherency while speaking

here are two things that have helped from my own experience:

1. psychedelics. i took psilocybin. you don't have to take it regularly, or even more than once. but, it reminded me that my brain is a powerful machine, and that it is STILL capable of so much more than i realized. it gave me that confidence back.

2. there is a game called Dual N-Back, where the benefits of it are rooted in some scientific evidence. i use the app called Dual N-Back Ultimate by neurolance on google play. essentially, this game is a workout for your working memory. i work a pretty demanding career in tech, and the improvements were very much tangible there. personally, i saw improvements in my cognitive ability from playing this almost immediately- when i got up to N=3 or 4. for reference, when i first started, i struggled with N=2 and i'm currently on N=10 or N=11 after a couple years. commit to playing everyday, even if it's only for a few minutes. i still do, as i believe it's what keeps me sharp.

 

[mymarbles]

this is sincerely one of the best pieces of advise, thank you so much for that! as for psychedelics, have you any experience with micro-dosing or particular strains? i've tried once before (not sure what it was… "golden teacher" i think?) and had a similar experience with what i get through cannabis, felt very anxious, dissociated and stuck in very nihilistic patterns of thought for some days after

 

[Natty*]

Do you have Lyme disease?