Venting i’m going insane and I feel so guilty about it

[Caribbean Sky]

I feel guilty about it to myself.
I decided long ago that I wanted to do it, but I made a lot of mistakes and getting stuff together for my method took a long time.

Now, unfortunately, this has caused my neurological illness to decline a ton and cause cognitive issues which make me delirious sometimes
This unfortunately clouds my reasoning, yet only causes more suffering.

Does anyone else know for sure they want to do it but they have things that stop them and then they feel guilty towards themselves? I feel so guilty because I think I'm the only one.
Like my fear in resistance isn't indicative that I don't want to die. I know for sure that I do.

But my mental health has been broken down so much that it's gotten to that point. My belief system, about God and the afterlife has been broken down so much. My mind is actually so broken that I get delirious and confused sometimes and can't go ahead and do it, which is what I really want to do.
I think I need to go before my cognitive decline gets too bad and I'm relying on that to take care of me instead.

I don't think anyone's going to relate because I'm the only one with this experience, but I've never felt so alone and that's breaking it all down further.
Trying to remind myself that by doing this, I will have peace. That even if there's no afterlife and just non-existence, that I will be free.

 

[katara]

Ya I relate to the guilt. Lately I've been thinking about dying so much, it feels so painful. I guess part of me wants to live, I feel scared and shame that I've never accomplished anything, never had any friends. I feel like everything in life is just to hard, living, paying bills. Sometimes I miss being religious because things seem way easier because you think you'll go to heaven which is nice, you'll be able to do things you dream of. Instead I'm in this nightmare and it feels terrible. I have seen some videos that death feels painless for some, I don't know why I'm scared. I just feel like I can't do anything right and I wish someone cared. I live here with my mom and she tells me all the time I should be grateful but I'm not. I totally failed at life. She didn't help stop me from getting to this point. I just don't know, I don't know what to do. I wish I had some meds to help me. The pain is terrible.