Help Where do you even start?

[Velvet Fortress]

Here's what I've tried so far:

- Hundreds, if not thousands of hours of self-help content. YouTube, books, seminars.
- Therapy
- Medication (specifically Vyvanse and Effexor)
- Begging for help on social media
- Getting out there. People always run away from me as soon as the opportunity arises
- Getting disciplined i.e. going back to school, hitting the gym, working on myself
- Meditative practices

Nothing worked. Nothing. All I want is to die. I spent the last 20 minutes violently slapping my own face like an insane person. I just don't have any trust in the healthcare system or in therapists/psychologists/gurus and all these stupid money vortexes. People have mentioned hospitalization, I genuinely believe that it's going to be another attempt to band-aid a tumor. Two weeks of grippy socks and smelling rubbing alcohol, some antidepressants, all to come back to the same apartment, the same life, the same irrelevant nothing.

The one denominator that controls my mood is isolation. If I believe I have people in my life I can rely on and share love with, I'm ok. The suicide ideation fades away. I can laugh. The anger settles.

Except it's always been just that. A belief. People go as fast as they've come. The people that stay, shut me down and act as if I'm a drag. And so I walk away. I have no family. Just a friend that avoids any serious conversation, and that I am 100% going to push away soon if I don't get my shit together. Asking for help to this person is not an option. They don't want to hear it.

I've tried so many times to fight for myself, to believe, to go after the promise of a healthy social circle, of a family, of a feeling of belonging. Absolutely nothing else matters. Money? A sense of purpose? Pride? I absolutely don't give a fuck. I want to feel like I belong. Like I deserve to breath this planet's oxygen.

And most importantly, I'm so completely dysfunctional and defeated that I barely have the will to take care of my body, much less to fight to change my own situation. I abandoned my job and my savings are getting drained.

I've ordered Sodium Nitrite a month ago. It's supposed to arrive at the end of March. If by then I don't have at least the hope that I can get my shit together, I will 100000% kill myself.

I'm sitting here, fantasizing about the day I can look at the suicidal writings I've been drawing on my bedroom wall and say "damn, I'm glad these days are over". Except that when I look at the mountain of challenges that lie before me, at my own approach to things, at my own eternal and infuriating passivity, and at how everything is crumbling around me, I see absolutely no way out. I am my own jailor, my own torturer, and soon to be my own executioner.

Does anyone have a hint towards an exit? I want to die. But I'm also hoping that somehow, there's still the possibility that I might live. Please.

I'm sorry for asking. And frankly, for existing.

Thanks anyway.

 

[Un-]

A sense of purpose?

You've answered yourself. You're aware that life is filled with suffering. That's the first step.

The next is to find something worth suffering for.

You've admitted in your point that everyone leaves you. You can't rely on people to make you happy; you can't live for people because they're fleeting. No one will be there for you, forever.

You can't place your sense of purpose in something that's not permanent. Because, what happens when it's gone?

If you have a reason to be alive, it'll make

Hundreds, if not thousands of hours of self-help content. YouTube, books, seminars.
- Therapy
- Medication (specifically Vyvanse and Effexor)
- Begging for help on social media
- Getting out there. People always run away from me as soon as the opportunity arises
- Getting disciplined i.e. going back to school, hitting the gym, working on myself
- Meditative practices

easier, and less cumbersome. Hypothetically, let's say you adopt Christianity. Your purpose automatically becomes one of doing God's work, and (from my understanding, at least) that means finding what you're truly passionate at, and becoming the best you can be at that thing (alongside informing people of Christianity through your character, and this excellence in your passion). Now you can enter therapy, read self help books or get advice or pursue your education with the purpose that you're going to become great, some day. And that you're going to do that, with awe-striking finesse and goodness. Using those resources with no plans of the beyond has probably lead you to the situation you're in.

Please, take everything I said with a grain of salt. I am still a random Internet stranger - suicidal, nonetheless. But I hope you saw something in all of this.

 

[timf]

The "big" or "quick" fix may not be the right approach. you might want to experiment with something small. If you can watch a Youtube stand up comedy and laugh (although some are not that funny), you might have that spark you can work with.

Taking enough control so that you can carve out a corner of enjoyment may point the way to bigger steps. One of those bigger steps is cutting out sources of pain and discomfort. You might find that slowly you can tip the balance in your favor.

 

[whywere]

Hello! First and foremost, you are a caring, kind and loving soul, reread your post a lot and boy that shined right through. One of the aspects about Sanctioned Suicide that I love, since I was allowed to join, is the community/family atmosphere here.

With that last aspect said, you are NEVER EVER alone here, as I consider you a great friend and hand in hand with you. I am 65. all most 66, reference point, and I have no family nor friends, except everyone here, and I consider everyone here a blessing to/for me.

I have taken Celexa for all most 10 years, have had 2 attempts, and this site has really helped me so much and I hope it does for you also.

We are all together here and having you as a friend, helps with my chronic 24/7 pain, and outlook on life.

You are a VERY valuable spirit, and you are an awesome person to me.

All my best to you, sending you lots of sunny blue skies, huge hugs and the knowledge that I care about you.

Walter

 

[WadeingThru]

the suicidal writings I've been drawing on my bedroom wall

Can we see some of your art work?

 

[whywere]

Can we see some of your art work?

100% agree with you. I LOVE all types of art and would love to experience the visual and thought process aspects of it.

Walter