Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Soooo before I thought "well if I get enough money to support myself and.thrive in life then" but nahhh that wouldn't cut it either.
Im truly done with life. My friend messaged me saying that the gofundme reached a certain amount and they auto transferred some if it to her. How it could help with medical appts and shit. I responded with blah blah sure not interested in caring for myself and jus wanna live my days in peace/with CBD & good food. That I don't deserve this kinda support and all that.
It was already sent so my babbling wasnt necessary but to realize that even financial support doesn't per say "hit" anymore is just sad.
Likeee... I looked at my life and I dunno what the fuck to do with my future anymore. I'm just "here" I've never not known wtf I was doing in life. I've never had that luxury bc survival and all that. Its not a nice feeling. Its sad and desolate. I've been told to take it day by day but wtf does day by day even mean anymore??
Like I'm done. Suicide is my ending.
Getting some money I ordered some more CBD bc honestly it really helps to relax. My body is very activated when suicide is the goal so its hard to not be impulsive and such so the CBD helps. It helps with eating too and Ima needa eat to execute shit...
Now I can not worry too much about not having enough money for food / money in general for a lil bit but... haaaa man... if I can really get myself to CTB by the end of the month... nothing would make me happier.
Rn ima be waiting for my CBD product (plus a CBN product that helps A LOT with sleep and vivid dreams) and I'm thinking of allowing myself to eat at some point...
Is it wrong to wanna live my last days in peace? Maybe I should just get her to close the campaign. I don't feel like I deserve it. Im glad she sent that money though bc either way I didnt have enough this month for food and stuff so.
I needed it whether im dying the end of this month or not. If cannabis products were covered then it wouldn't be such a hardship like whats the point of me having a medical prescription but still having to pay...
Canada's healthcare has been getting wack. They wanna privatize everything and make it so its like were basically in the U.S (Im paraphrasing but yee)
An eye exam for 1 fucking eye/problem/emergency eye exam is almost $100 like wtf. Im on disability which is below the poverty line like if I didn't have a friend that was nice I wouldn't afford any of this shit.
Im so sick of living in this kinda society. Anyway... venting over. I feel guilty as always.
An update:
My friends reply made me cry. It was just filled with compassion and such... so much that it made me wonder how I even came upon such a person.
Feel a lil less guilt using the funds to just enjoy myself / live a little woth ease for a bit. I haven't had much enjoyment this yr and especially the last few months.
Soo yeee I ordered some junk food
I still don't feel like my body is ready to eat yet but I'm hoping it'll get there and eating junk food in small doses seems to be possible. Being in the anorexic aspects of my eating disorder is likeeee so difficult and annoying. I would prefer the bingeing parts buttt nopeeee 
at least I bought some sodas that ik I will really enjoy and can eat rn.
My mind is not changed nor did I expect it to be but I shall live out my days with a lil less guilt I think.
Sighhsss anyway im gonna wait for food and cannabis order and watch k-pop variety videos. The world is a shitty place and I'm just glad the usual escapes still make me laugh and such at least.
Im truly done with life. My friend messaged me saying that the gofundme reached a certain amount and they auto transferred some if it to her. How it could help with medical appts and shit. I responded with blah blah sure not interested in caring for myself and jus wanna live my days in peace/with CBD & good food. That I don't deserve this kinda support and all that.
It was already sent so my babbling wasnt necessary but to realize that even financial support doesn't per say "hit" anymore is just sad.
Likeee... I looked at my life and I dunno what the fuck to do with my future anymore. I'm just "here" I've never not known wtf I was doing in life. I've never had that luxury bc survival and all that. Its not a nice feeling. Its sad and desolate. I've been told to take it day by day but wtf does day by day even mean anymore??
Like I'm done. Suicide is my ending.
Getting some money I ordered some more CBD bc honestly it really helps to relax. My body is very activated when suicide is the goal so its hard to not be impulsive and such so the CBD helps. It helps with eating too and Ima needa eat to execute shit...
Now I can not worry too much about not having enough money for food / money in general for a lil bit but... haaaa man... if I can really get myself to CTB by the end of the month... nothing would make me happier.
Rn ima be waiting for my CBD product (plus a CBN product that helps A LOT with sleep and vivid dreams) and I'm thinking of allowing myself to eat at some point...
Is it wrong to wanna live my last days in peace? Maybe I should just get her to close the campaign. I don't feel like I deserve it. Im glad she sent that money though bc either way I didnt have enough this month for food and stuff so.
I needed it whether im dying the end of this month or not. If cannabis products were covered then it wouldn't be such a hardship like whats the point of me having a medical prescription but still having to pay...Canada's healthcare has been getting wack. They wanna privatize everything and make it so its like were basically in the U.S (Im paraphrasing but yee)
An eye exam for 1 fucking eye/problem/emergency eye exam is almost $100 like wtf. Im on disability which is below the poverty line like if I didn't have a friend that was nice I wouldn't afford any of this shit.
Im so sick of living in this kinda society. Anyway... venting over. I feel guilty as always.
An update:
My friends reply made me cry. It was just filled with compassion and such... so much that it made me wonder how I even came upon such a person.
Feel a lil less guilt using the funds to just enjoy myself / live a little woth ease for a bit. I haven't had much enjoyment this yr and especially the last few months.
Soo yeee I ordered some junk food
I still don't feel like my body is ready to eat yet but I'm hoping it'll get there and eating junk food in small doses seems to be possible. Being in the anorexic aspects of my eating disorder is likeeee so difficult and annoying. I would prefer the bingeing parts buttt nopeeee at least I bought some sodas that ik I will really enjoy and can eat rn.My mind is not changed nor did I expect it to be but I shall live out my days with a lil less guilt I think.
Sighhsss anyway im gonna wait for food and cannabis order and watch k-pop variety videos. The world is a shitty place and I'm just glad the usual escapes still make me laugh and such at least.
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