Discussion When you were a kid, did you ever imagine you could end like this?

[spanishguy22]

Title

 

[bluesleep]

No, never, it wasn't until I was a teen that I began considering it.

 

[Jessica-]

Not in a million years, even as recent as 3 years ago, my life was going along just fine. But when an incurable illness hits, one loses everything and the only way is to try to hopefully exit with a bit of dignity.

 

[carys]

Well, I still am a kid but when I was in my earlier years from age 6 to 10, I knew that at one point I was going to be like this. I have experienced emotional, physical and verbal abuse when I was very young and I was molested as well. I knew that I was so vulnerable to smoking and drinking as well since my father deals with addiction along with my uncle that I have grown up with. When I was around 12 years old, I would get bullied a lot and my parents weren't in a good place with their relationship. I turned to harming myself and was hopeless. In conclusion, I think I always knew that the possibility of becoming who I am today was high.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

No I was the happiest child ever and arrogantly believe I might have had the best childhood ever. As a child you have so many hopes and dreams and the only thing between you and your dreams is time, literally time you believe when I become and adult (turning 18) I will have an amazing life boy was I wrong.

Childhood was paradise and that paradise ended when puberty began.

 

[Quinlor]

My chronic depression started at age of 10 I believe, but of course in that age I probably didn't know what is suicide etc.

 

[spanishguy22]

No I was the happiest child ever and arrogantly believe I might have had the best childhood ever. As a child you have so many hopes and dreams and the only thing between you and your dreams is time, literally time you believe when I become and adult (turning 18) I will have an amazing life boy was I wrong.

Childhood was paradise and that paradise ended when puberty began.

Same here man. Any apparent reason?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Same here man. Any apparent reason?

Apparent reason for what? Like how puberty destroyed my childhood? If that is the reason it´s pretty self explanatory because as soon as you discover sexual desires childhood ends.

 

[TheFinalCountdown]

Absolutely not. I had very unrealistic expectations about life when I was a kid and even as a teenager

 

[Hhhh]

I had one of the worst childhoods, so yeah. 10 yo me wouldn't be surprised at the state I live in at 21. Everything only got worse and worse.

 

[lululoo]

I started being depressed around age 11 and started wanting to CTB at 14. I'd say by 17 I felt I was likely to go by suicide, whether soon or years down the line. I wish it had been then. I absolutely thought if by 30 I was still so miserable and pathetic I would do it. Now I just know I cannot make it to 40, and hopefully I will be gone long before then.

 

[snowman626]

Yes always felt this life was cursed from day 1. Not surprised whatsoever. Only still alive for my mother.

 

[spanishguy22]

Apparent reason for what? Like how puberty destroyed my childhood? If that is the reason it´s pretty self explanatory because as soon as you discover sexual desires childhood ends.

Yeah just wondering what made you depressed after childhood.

I had one of the worst childhoods, so yeah. 10 yo me wouldn't be surprised at the state I live in at 21. Everything only got worse and worse.

I hate that a lot of you guys that suffer so young and have these cat pics which shows how noble good persons you are.
Unfortunately the scum of the earth starts as s childhood as well and they love to prey on good hearted people.
Its pointless to murder these bully people before I ctb but it certainly didn't bother me a bit. It's just pointless because it's human nature so they will spawn forever.
Wish you the best <3 you guys are better than them believe it or not

 

[Deadgirl]

I knew around 8-12 that i will end up the way i am and eventually die.

 

[Kyrok]

I always had the intuition that I would reach a level of success then have it screwed up.... that somehow success would itself cause my failure. I feel that that is presently unfolding.

 

[Broken]

I made it to 30 years old before I lost hope and realised how broken I am

 

[JadedGray]

I knew I would end up committing suicide, I just didn't know it would take so long. I figured that I would have done it a long time ago. I didn't know my life would ever get this bad, though. If I had I would have done anything to not end up like how I am now, even if the method was the most painful. Now I'm used to being like this. I forget that even though I've been suicidal for so long, my life hasn't always been this bad. I forget that it wasn't always like this. Everything now is at a standstill, so I can, for the most part get through the days emotionally (compared to when my life starting going down this slope), I just don't care to go through it anymore and am bored/tired of the situation.

 

[GeorgeJL]

No, I am so much different now than back then. If I knew then what I know now I would have become a leader of leaders.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

As a young child I did not have these thoughts. I think I first felt this way around age 14. At 22 I ruined my life and I knew that ctb is how I would go.

 

[yppah71]

I was able to understand and communicate the sense that I wished I was never born since I was at least 7. My family was very religious so I used to pray that my life could be traded for older church members who were sick. It was a strange manifestation - but that is how I processed my feelings as a child.

I was never thinking of suicide as a kid, I just knew I never wanted to be born and that existing meant little to me. I've muddled along, and have had some successes and some failures, but never lost the thought that underneath it all - I just didn't care.

I've attempted suicide twice as an adult, but they weren't well thought out in retrospect.

It is all coming to a head for me the last year or so. I'm trying to figure out a way to quit life. I can think through an existence where I sell everything I own and just sit in an apartment all day - cut off from the world as much as possible. Increasingly, I am coming to the conclusion that I have just to have to make a choice - in or out. And that always takes me back to being a kid and knowing from a young age that I would rather not exist.

So I have the CO method fairly scoped out - with a downstairs bath taped up, chimney starter and lump charcoal purchased. I've detached from most of my friends and family and just waiting for the right moment.

 

[Suicidal4Ever]

I've been suicidal for as long as i can remember. Didn't ever make a serious attempt until mid teens.

 

[Whatshername]

No, I had a good childhood and life in general was kind to me until the age of 29. After that everything went down the drain. Lost my health, family, friends, husband. Finally in late 2017 lost my partner. It was the straw that broke the camel's back and I became actively suicidal. Before that I still had some hope, and fought to get better, but enough is enough. No strength left in me.

 

[Davy]

When I was young I played with the idea of suicide by trying to hang myself off my bed or doorknob. I wanted to slip off to sleep and get suffocated while unconscious.
I thought it was just a normal phase that most children go through but in hindsight it was probably an underlying mental issue.

 

[Ruffian]

No. I really thought I was something special and would bring something meaningful into the world like a novel or screenplay or something. I even thought I'd achieved some kind of "enlightenment" at some point. Now I know life is nothing but a shitty job or jobs that suck the fucking life out of you so there's nothing left over to even enjoy. Pay your bills, go online and watch movies if you're lucky, and I guess that's it. That's why I'm here - I just can't believe how horrible my life has turned out. I can't believe I've been a member here since January - I thought I'd be dead by now. I just can't seem to work up the nerve or find a method I think I could carry out. Plus getting over SI and what it would do to the people I leave behind.

 

[seekingoblivion]

I had a bit of an idea but ultimately I thought I was gonna be alright if not awesome. My teens are when I realized properly that I'm already dead and I'm just waiting for the funeral.

 

[Honigwaffel]

Definitely not. It was fine until I realised how fucked up our world is and how cruel people can be...

 

[Memento Mori]

hell no

not as a kid, maybe as a teenager

 

[Jolene40]

Not in a million years, even as recent as 3 years ago, my life was going along just fine. But when an incurable illness hits, one loses everything and the only way is to try to hopefully exit with a bit of dignity.

Exactly the same as Jessica. Never in a million years did i imagine this. Never. If i had known i would suffer so horrifically with illness i could not have coped

 

[headinghome]

NEVER!!! I had a normal life… I was extremely healthy I thought I would live long healthy and happy…

 

[Soul]

I think it was Kurt Vonnegut who wrote that the offspring of suicides think of suicide as a possible solution to any problem we encounter: "If Jack has $87 and wants to buy catfood and then split the remaining money among 3 friends ..." committing suicide will crop up as a plausible approach to the problem.

I was like that even as a small child. I had no idea when or how, but suicide has always been a given.